SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was in IC yesterday,and I asked him how I could protect myself from my wife betraying me again.

He pointed out that I am now more aware and observant and I would notice the signs this time.

I have seen this repeated in various places.

I think it's true for waywards that had significant and negative personality changes. Such as becoming more distant, or angry, or what not.

In my case the year year she was betraying me was one of our best years in our relationship. We were happy. Having TONS of sex. We spent quality time together. Went on long walks talking, etc.

She would betray me with him in the afternoon, come home, give me a big hug and tell me she loved me.

In retrospect there were subtle signs she was cheating. Just nothing very concrete or highly noticeable.

So I'm struggling to trust any positive signs now. When she tells me she loves me, my mind is like "okay I like this more than the alternative, but she could also be betraying me again because that's how she acted during that time"

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How did you convince yourself they meant it and you could trust them again at some point?

First thing I had to do was learn to trust ME again.

You are asking really good questions, that’s a good sign.

When you look back, you will see some of the clues you missed before.

And, based on the questions you are asking shows a new level of vigilance — and you will likely have this level of keeping your head on a swivel regardless of the path you choose moving forward, R or D.

I am glad I am done with blind trust, it is not a healthy approach to any relationship.

Awareness of what can happen will eventually lead you to verifiable trust of your surroundings. I don’t mean playing detective for the rest of your life, but learning enough about whoever you are with to understand the distance or subtle signs better.

Subtle signs may be all we get, but we do know them.

My wife never left, never wanted to leave, her A was the classic have her cake and eat it too type of deal, so I get it.

She would betray me with him in the afternoon, come home, give me a big hug and tell me she loved me.

In retrospect there were subtle signs she was cheating. Just nothing very concrete or highly noticeable.

This remains one of my greatest fears. That I’ll not notice some of the subtle signs and it just keeps going. Can I ask what those signs were that were there but easy to overlook?

First odd sign was her libido went through the roof. She had never been like that in our entire twenty year relationship. It was fun, but odd for sure.

Second one was she kept making little comments like "if we ever got divorced, I think we would be the parents that work well together"

I am very sensitive to people's moods and i noticed right around when she started her affair she often seemed distant, distracted, or down when nothing was going on. I Constantly asked her what was wrong, and she always had some excuse. Oh I'm tired. Oh my stomach is upset. Oh a work thing is bothering me. Nothings wrong why do you keep asking!? Etc...

That's the manipulation and gaslighting.

I was suspicious of her affair partner. She would tell me little things he did such as he put his hand on her leg for example. I told her I didn't want her around him. All talk of him ended when her affair started. I thought it meant she was keeping her distance. Turns out it was the opposite.

The final one that caused me to confront her (I didn't consciously know or suspect an affair, just something like a flirtation) she suggested i go get a girlfriend.

I didn't understand when we all of the sudden had an open relationship. I confronted her about it and she admitted to her affair.

I think "the truth will always out".

For me, it was learning to trust myself….as old wounds said. I am much more sensitive to emotional distance than I was pre D-Day. When there is a bit more distance in the ebbs and flows of relationships and life….I am quick to question it both in myself and my FWH.

One example. My fwh will occasionally say off hand, that I’m very sensitive. Of course, I’m very sensitive to him. I can cry at a supermarket commerical. I used to take in that comment and think that maybe I was too sensitive. Nope, not anymore. I’m allowed to be as sensitive as I am. I can be self aware and look deeply into the whys of what I’m feeling….but I honor my own feelings and gut instincts much more than pre-A.

Looking back there were so many signs that I picked up on and listened to him lie about during the A. He too became very attentive during the A.

There were no warning signs. Not one.

This is going to sound bizarre but I had a very vivid dream that in X date my H was going to tell me he wanted a D. No reason given in the dream but I started paying attention to things.

Nothing was off. If he wasn’t very very late coming home from work one night (of course I confronted him and he did admit he was cheating) I would not have known.

There were no red flags. 🚩

Interestingly enough— I never told my H about my dream. And on X date he told me he wanted a D. He claimed he just didn’t want to be married anymore.

That's interesting because I had a bad dream about a month before D-day where I came to my own house, and had to knock on the door because I didn't live there any longer. A man opened the door, I came in a couple feet like a guest would, then the man went to get my wife from the bedroom.

It felt horrible, like I had been replaced by the woman I loved.

Unfortunately that process was well underway with her LTA.

There's a part of us that knows something is up, and I think that part was trying to warn me.