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I found it difficult to pull myself out of the depression and anxiety. Just been emotionally paralysed. I haven't found my anger yet.

It takes longer than you want. For me, it was close to 9 months before I really started to get back on my feet, and then another few months to get fully up. Others get though it faster, but it is months no matter what. Rage set in around 3 months for me, but for some it is closer to 6 months (and some skip that step). Whatever you are going through, it is a normal part of the roller coaster of infidelity.

Have you talked to your doctor? Many of us have gone on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for a short term to get through this. Talk therapy can help too - you need outlets for the energy that is building up. Exercise - even just a long walk- will help a ton, too.

This is brutal stuff. Hang in there.

What are you doing to help process all this pain?

I agree ! this is such a devastating experience to have to live through ! Having to go through this at any age, it’s a nightmare. I’m 70 ! How much time do I have to get over it? I don’t think I will ever get over it. It’s been 16 months since I found out about his betrayal and it’s been nine months since we divorced. It’s still raw. I see two therapists one is a trauma therapist. I’m doing EMDR therapy have been since January doesn’t seem to be helping . This pain cuts to our souls it runs very deep. I am trying so hard exercising , doing things that I really don’t want to do , but the rumination snd the need for consequences for him and his AP eat away at me every second of my day. But I am determined not to let them destroy my life any further.

I guess it depends on what you mean by "restart life" - I withdrew from friends and family for a while, but I always went through the motions for holidays and such. I worked. I did the best I could for my kid.

That said, for a long time I lived in a fog of not wanting to live. Every night I would go to bed hoping I just didn't wake up. *That* finally started to clear about 4 months after separation, 2.5 years after dday1, but it took more than 3 years to start feeling happy more often than sad. Now it's been more like 3.5 years (6 weeks until we're officially divorced), and I'm genuinely happy most days. I still mourn what was lost, but the grief passes very quickly, like a fleeting shadow.

It's a long, brutal process, and like BearlyBreathing said, it takes way longer than we ever want. Hang in there and keep doing the work. If someone actually stabbed you in the gut, you would expect the pain and healing to last a long time. This isn't much different.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 4:59 AM, Thursday, June 25th]

It’s been almost a year since dday. But I had gone through fake reconciliation, then a brutal separation, that completely broke me.
I am climbing out of the darkest place. But still have to face the brutal cheater.
Do they not feel bad at all?!

There is a commonly held concept in trauma recovery that suggests it takes 2 years to reach a stage of acceptance or ability to move on.
This is not infidelity-specific, but commonly considered a very loose and unscientific deadline based on experience.

For example; when my dad died my mom was told that her sorrow would be manageable within 2 years. When parents lose a child there is generally a two year period of extreme pain. Getting fired unexpectedly or undeservedly from a job supposedly takes 2 years of recovery…
I think (and this is just my conclusion) that major traumas create such physical devastation as well as mental, and it simply takes the body 12-18 months to semi-recover, and then in turn for the mind to recuperate.

There is an old survey done some decades ago about divorce. It’s really old and the only part I remember was that when people were questioned 6 months after divorce there was a high percentage that regretted divorcing, and 12 months after divorce a high percentage said that the issues causing the divorce could have been solved. However… when asked at 18 months and later the vast majority was content and happy with the decision to divorce. This was always the same group being queried.

I can also share that about 2 years after dad’s passing my mom was fine.
I can also share that for the first six months after my d-day (definitely a trauma) I questioned being alive. For the next 3 months things got a bit more positive, and one day about 9 months later I woke up and had to remind myself why I was sad. I guess I "recovered" in 18 months, but that was maybe because I took very active steps and actions to recover.

I didnt start a "new" life. I carried on with mine, recovering from the detour my ex had been.

One year is still early in the process, especially with false R (I dealt with that too), which is so much more damaging than the first time. Separation helps. Start your timer from when you separated. Also remember that everyone is on their own journey, and it might take you a little longer.

Do they not feel bad at all?!

Some do, some don't. But feeling bad doesn't stop them from doing the bad things, so does it matter if they feel bad?

Do you have a therapist? People have good luck with EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy, and acceptance therapy. If you can't get to a professional, check out some videos online and see if you can work on yourself. Keep in mind that healing doesn't always go in one direction - you can still have bad days after you've had some better days.

Practice acceptance. Accept what happened. Accept who he really is (not who you thought he was). Accept that he might not behave in ways that you want or would reasonably expect. Accept that it's going to hurt, and that you'll have to move through grief to get to the other side.

Is there anyone you can talk to in person? A friend or family member who has a shoulder you can cry on? That was really important for my sanity.

Both of the following are true:

I needed 18 yers for the current woman, by in truth my first betrayal trauma was when I was teenager, the "first love" the only time in my life I felt the butterflies, so it was more like 25 years. The in between were only partial recoveries that got reset for each subsequent betrayal.

The complete healing took seconds. A change of mind, a "I see" unconditional acceptance, and after a peaceful night of rest, tranquility.

Everlasting