SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is this pattern familiar to you:

In the begining after DDay whenever i would bring it up there would be arguing and crying on both parites.
Then it moved to him adjusting to me "still" being upset after year three---but he would still react to my triggers in a rage or like a giant cry baby and arguing would insue...
then it went to instead of him reacting and shame spiraling he would get quiet and listen better but i could still see the stuff underneath.....
He kept improving.....he apologizes and reassures instead of being silent.

Basically he gradually went from tantrums on Dday, to smaller tantrums, to yelling, to active listening, to reassurance....and now.. drum roll please:

He responds more maturely and lets me know that he hears me and understands why I feel the way I do.......but the rest of the day he's kind of quiet and i feel like he's distant.

I tell him that You caused a gunshot to my heart with the affair---then something triggers me or brushes up against the wound....then I share my pain....and then he goes silent in reflection after active listening and reassurance.

I feel like he undermines the growth of the active listening and reassurance by then withdrawing and going silent. I am so sick of this. When will he respond in a way that doesn't keep the pain at the surface......he still doesn't quite know how to help me through my pain. I know it's been a long time but I still feel sad....and his response (although it's much better than before) is still not leaving me better than he found me.

What do you want him to do in such situations? What could he possibly say to assuage your anguish?

It's entirely possible that he's at a loss in this regard. He cannot read your mind and rather than guess or attempt to "wing it," he goes silent.

YES! For us, we got into a vicious pattern. I’d get triggered….be very, very upset. I’d look to him for some kind of reassurance that we were progressing, he was really present, he regretted his choices that led him down the A path…..and then I wouldn’t believe a word he said….because he cheated. He would clam up, because there was virtually nothing he could say that would help. Part of it was me being triggered and then having to just accept that Yes, the affair happened….and eventually come back to the present reality of where we are now…the work we’ve done.

Eventually, I specifically told him what I needed. I ran into her….I’m having a really bad/tough time, I need you to hold me, etc. Takes all the romance out of it, for sure….but it worked for us.

The thing is, he would STILL have to process his feelings around my trigger. His remorse, guilt, maybe wishing he ran off with the fantasy of OW instead of doing the work, IDK. He would be distant for a day or two. I had to learn to sit in the discomfort on my own. He described it as "when you have these episodes, it takes me some time to get back to normal".

We’re still here. But, yes….highly familiar to me.