SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this exactly isn't about cheating or anything. But I have many dynamics and issues about this situation that's why I'm posting here.

She is my high school sweetheart. We've known each other since we were teenagers. 16 years of marriage, three amazing kids, two of them now teenagers themselves. She's an incredible mum and honestly the kind of wife where I can cry in front of her without being judged, she just holds me. Wanted to put that out there first because context matters.

A little about our life together. I (44M) work in finance, good career, well established, comfortable with where I am professionally. She (44F) works in fashion and media at a senior level and I'll be honest with you she earns more than me and it has never once made me feel insecure or jealous. I'm genuinely proud of her for that. I think it says something about the kind of partnership we've built that it's never even been a tension between us.

About eight years ago, right after our youngest was born, she started acting. Wasn't a career pivot, more something she did for herself alongside everything else. Over the years she's done eight or nine movies and TV shows, a couple of them as leads. I have always been completely in her corner for it. It's hers. I've always wanted her to have things that are fully hers.
A month ago she was offered a role.
A lead role in a film from a very accomplished European director. We're European so this isn't a Hollywood conversation, this is serious cinema. Well known studio, real budget, theatrical release. It would be her first major budget film and her third lead role. The kind of opportunity that genuinely doesn't come around often.

The movie is about two people, a widow and a widower, finding love again in their forties. Both of them have teenage kids. The film is about how a blended family works, or tries to, and where it breaks down. There's a big wedding scene. There are quiet domestic scenes. And then there are two or three scenes that deal with intimacy in a way she has never done before. We're talking nudity. Kissing. Breast and nipple Sucking. Simulated oral sex. The director has framed these scenes deliberately to be uncomfortable, not erotic, not for the audience to enjoy, but to make them feel the dysfunction and the sadness underneath. I read the script. It's genuinely good writing. I understood what they were going for artistically and I can't pretend otherwise.

Her co-lead is a 46 year old man, almost exactly our age, and honestly he is very good looking and that makes me jealous and I'm not going to pretend it doesn't.
For context on where she's been until now she has done two kissing scenes in her entire acting career. Both modest by any measure. Nothing has come close to this.

Here is where I actually am with all of it. When she told me I was honest with her the way I always am. I said I'm not okay with it but I'm open to a conversation because that's how we handle hard things, we always have. So we talked. She listened to everything. She acknowledged my jealousy and my insecurity and didn't dismiss either of them, she said I was allowed to feel what I feel. She asked me to trust her and then she said something I keep coming back to. In thirty years of knowing each other, not once has she given me a reason to doubt her. Not one time. She said whatever happens on set is professional and stays on set and she comes home to me and she always will because she loves me and she chooses me. But she also said that if I'm genuinely not okay with it she will turn the role down. She put it in my hands.

And then she gave me a framework for if I say yes. Couples therapy together before shooting starts. Regular contact and full transparency during the shoot, she'll tell me everything even the boring awkward stuff from set. A proper holiday together when it wraps. She thought about me in all of it.

But she also said something else and I want to be honest that it landed. She said if I say yes I may never fully understand what it means to her to take on something like this emotionally. What she carries going into those scenes. The kind of internal work it takes. Only she knows what that sacrifice looks like.

We are a strictly monogamous couple, nothing outside of that, but I have some thoughts and I'll try to put them honestly.
First. At the core of this, how is she even considering a role where another man's mouth will be on her body? I know it's not real. I know it's not infidelity. But something in me felt violated when I read that script. I'm struggling to locate exactly where that feeling sits because I know logically it's a job and I know logically it's art. But logic isn't doing much for me right now.

Second. Is there something underneath her wanting to do this that I'm not allowed to look at directly. Like is there an excitement there that has something to do with him specifically. With how he looks. I don't know if that's my jealousy talking or whether I'm picking up on something real. And I genuinely can't tell which is scarier.

Third. It's made me quietly question something about us that I never questioned before. We've always said we're that couple. The solid one. And now I'm sitting here wondering, if we're really that, would she have even considered this role in the first place. I don't know if that's a fair thought or just fear. Posting it anyway.

I have to be honest about one more thing and I'll say it with a laugh because I think it's true. She's beautiful. Genuinely stunning. And somewhere underneath all of this there is a completely ridiculous part of me that is lowkey proud that a serious director wants my 44 year old wife for this role. Like. That's my girl. I'm not going to pretend that thought isn't in there somewhere even while the other part of me is struggling.

The practical reality is also significant. The offer is close to seven figures with one percent of net profits on top, theatrical and non-theatrical. It would genuinely change things for our kids in a lasting way. And beyond the money, a role like this in a film like this could open doors that nothing she's done before has been able to.

I want to hear from strangers who have no reason to be gentle with me. Third person perspective. What am I not seeing. What am I being unreasonable about. What would you do.

Do they have an "intimacy" director on set? Maybe you could talk to (I'm going to say "her" here because it's usually a woman) her and she could tell you about how much is being covered vs shown, simulated vs actual, etc. It sounds to me like your wife is not 100% comfortable with the intimacy scenes either, and that might be what she means by

what it means to her to take on something like this emotionally. What she carries going into those scenes. The kind of internal work it takes. Only she knows what that sacrifice looks like.

NGL, I've made adult content for sale before, and having to act out sexual things that you're not in the mood to do and that you're not actually feeling can be absolutely soul sucking. While professional acting for cinema isn't exactly the same, I would imagine there is a lot of overlap during sex scenes. So I don't imagine that she'll be getting any enjoyment out of the making of those scenes, no matter how good looking the other lead is.

Is she able to negotiate with the director at all? Do you have time to get counseling whether individual (IC) or couple's (MC) before they need an answer from her? Because you may be able to work through your present feelings, or you may not, and if it's the latter, you're going to have bigger issues down the line. The good thing is that she's leaving it up to you. You just need to figure out where your boundaries are so that you can enforce them.

Wow this is a unique situation for this forum. My response to my wife would be no. I am not comfortable with you being semi naked with another man touching you, his mouth on your bare breast, Etc

I understand the professional setting of it all, but. And then it's going to be out there for everyone to see. Friends, family, coworkers, Etc

It's awesome that the two of you are able to sit down and discuss it and she's leaving the decision up to you which shows respect.

I would be too worried about the unforeseen emotional consequences so my answer would be no

The only perfect outcome would be that you say yes I fully trust and support you and she says no, it's actually not for me lol.

That is not the case and it really sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity, not just financially and career wise, but also from the angle of personal fulfillment. Many people would pay to have that opportunity. It's tough, but I have the feeling that saying no will certainly do a lot of damage, resentment and loss of respect, so if it was me, I think I would put on my big boy pants and try to go through this with dignity. Showing calm confidence, support, pride and courage will surely add a lot of respect in your wife's eyes.

Read some testimonies about making such scenes and how it looks like. Maybe it will help. You may also consider moving the "how do you feel about it" part of marriage counseling for after the filming.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 5:09 PM, Thursday, June 25th]

You guys should give some thought to how this might impact your kids. Teenagers feel embarrassment very acutely.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 6:53 PM, Thursday, June 25th]

I don’t know if this applies or not, but this reminds me of the movie "Indecent Proposal" from a few decades ago with Robert Redford, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson. The premise was a filthy rich business tycoon, Robert Redford, offers 1 million dollars to a financially struggling couple in exchange for one night with the wife. She goes through with it, but was the price worth the money? I've never watched it because it's too triggery for me.

I would also question why my wife wouldn't immediately turn down this kind of role. Will you forever have those images burned into your mind? What about your children possibly seeing her like that?

She's giving you veto power, but does it seem like she'll resent you for it? I honestly don't see this as a missed opportunity as much as a possible marital disaster wrapped up with the promise of money. How much is your marriage worth? It would be a hard "no" for me, no matter how much money was involved.

Do they have an "intimacy" director on set? Maybe you could talk to (I'm going to say "her" here because it's usually a woman) her and she could tell you about how much is being covered vs shown, simulated vs actual, etc.

I recently listened to a podcast called The Economics of Everyday Things. It's usually fairly short but this was one of the topics recently. Fascinating, and it might address some of your fears, or at least give you some questions to ask and processes to confirm.

I don’t know if this applies or not, but this reminds me of the movie "Indecent Proposal" from a few decades ago with Robert Redford, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson. The premise was a filthy rich business tycoon, Robert Redford, offers 1 million dollars to a financially struggling couple in exchange for one night with the wife. She goes through with it, but was the price worth the money? I've never watched it because it's too triggery for me.

This was exactly my first thought, tho I did watch it when it came out. There's no way I'd watch it again today tho...

This us such a unique and certainly unlikely situation for me to ever anticipate happening, so I don't have much to add. I showed this thread to my wife tho, and her immediate reaction was a very strong "hell no!" So she wouldn't want me to do it, nor would she do it herself. At least that's her stance right now, today, given what we've been going through for the last year.

While I agree this isn't really infidelity, I do think it's an appropriate topic for this forum. I'm curious to see what some of the veterans have to say.

Nah, never.

So as long as it's "professional" another man can have his way with your wife?

What about your kids?

Someone said she will give you credit and respect if you "allow" it.

I highly doubt that. I think it will be exactly the opposite.

At least in US Hollywood history, an actor who does well in a leading role will tend to get other, similar roles offered. I am not a movie person, but even I can think of dozens of such actors and actresses' careers. The bad guy star in one major hit movie tends to be cast as the villain in others; the female siren in one movie tends to be repeatedly cast in sexually suggestive roles. I think this path, should your wife choose it, will have consequences neither of you now can foresee. I wonder if the seduction of money is the only motive behind this offer she was made?

Not making light of your situation and the struggle you are experiencing when I say that I thought I had seen everything in the years I have been here but this is a new one to me.
I would like to think that i would be mature enough to say yes but honestly I don't know that I am or would be.

I am sure you must have discussed this with her at great length but let me ask anyway... if she goes ahead with this project how do you think it will impact your children?

I see this as a "No Win" situation for you no matter which way you choose. She has placed you between a rock and a hard place.

If you say Yes, then the whole world, including your children, will see your wife in a not so good light on the screen. As someone mentioned, subsequent roles might also be for nude type scenes.

If you say No, then she may begin to resent you further down the road because there was a lot of money turned down and this was probably a "great opportunity" (in her mind) that could lead to other "great opportunities" (in her mind) and you squelched it.

I have no advice or opinion to give you. You know your wife and the situation a lot more than any of us.

All I can say is Good Luck.

I also thought of "Indecent Proposal". The situations aren't the same, but the vibes very much are.

Joshken, I don't like that your wife has put the decision on you. That's unfair. You should say how you feel and how this might impact your feelings in the future. Given that information, she has to make the decision. That's how boundaries work. You are not her parent. You don't get to "allow" or "disallow" her from this role, and she shouldn't not put you in that position.

I feel strongly about this because my ex put me in the parenting role a lot, and it led to resentment from both of us.

I think it's pretty clear that you'll end up being unhappy if she takes the role given how much anxiety it's causing you already. Marriage requires tough choices and occasional sacrifices, and it can be hard to prioritize the emotional well being of your spouse over major career prospects. Your wife has the difficult choice to make here. It comes down to what her priorities are.

Direct experience says that stuff is awkward enough to be a turnoff even for a guy, whether is pictures or filmed I imagine won’t change much, filmed might be more stressful and awkward.

I wouldn’t like it, it’s performed and there are ways to keep genitalia in no contact while still seeming believable(is not a porn).

Kissing and such is still something that I would not want to ever see my partner doing , not much you can do to mimic that

On the other hand there’s her passion, craft and a opportunity which you seem to support.

Tough one. It will be a hard hit probably for you. I think that you may talk to her openly that you both support her and you feel discomfort, try to figure what you both can do to not having this causing damage to your bond or minimize it so your nerve system does not fry and calm down when is done.

It sounds as though your wife is demonstrating honesty to a fault and the studio has put in various provisions for mitigation.

How do you think your wife would take it if you said: once and once only, I’m not comfortable with you being typecast.

Do they have an "intimacy" director on set? Maybe you could talk to (I'm going to say "her" here because it's usually a woman) her and she could tell you about how much is being covered vs shown, simulated vs actual, etc. It sounds to me like your wife is not 100% comfortable with the intimacy scenes either, and that might be what she means by

Yes they have an intimacy coordinator on set!! I'm not sure i can't talk to intimacy coordinator or it's her job. But it would be helpful before anything signed

I would like to think that i would be mature enough to say yes but honestly I don't know that I am or would be.

I am sure you must have discussed this with her at great length but let me ask anyway... if she goes ahead with this project how do you think it will impact your children?

I have always been in her corner. I had no problem with her two kissing scenes because, to me, that's normal. I know it's just acting.

But these nude intimate scenes feel like too much. I'm not saying they're wrong in fact, they're very well written, and I'm sure she'll absolutely nail those scenes too.

The thing is, I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to handle it. I don't know how it might affect me afterward. Every time I think about it, my nervous system gets completely overwhelmed.

That said, this isn't a marriage-ending situation for either of us. Whether she does the role or not, our relationship is strong, and we'll get through it. I just don't know how long it might take me to process it. It could be a week, or it could take a year.

As for the impact on our kids, they won't be allowed to watch the movie until they're adults. We'll simply tell them, "Mama is acting in a movie that has some adult scenes, so it's not something you need to watch."

My older son is 15 and my daughter is 13. By the time the movie is released, they'll be 17 and 15. They'll be old enough to understand that what their mom did isn't wrong and that it's part of her profession.

Also, my wife is Spanish, I'm Dutch, and the movie is German. I don't think it'll easily reach their friends' circle. I know it's a big-budget film by European standards, with a theatrical release and later streaming, but I don't think the kids or their friends will come across it that easily. So I'm not really worried about them being bullied. Besides, by the time the movie comes out, my older son will already be in college.

At least in US Hollywood history, an actor who does well in a leading role will tend to get other, similar roles offered. I am not a movie person, but even I can think of dozens of such actors and actresses' careers. The bad guy star in one major hit movie tends to be cast as the villain in others; the female siren in one movie tends to be repeatedly cast in sexually suggestive roles. I think this path, should your wife choose it, will have consequences neither of you now can foresee. I wonder if the seduction of money is the only motive behind this offer she was made?

She's had a few lead roles that were appropriate for her age, and she's also taken on a variety of supporting roles across different genres. That variety is one of the reasons I don't see her being boxed into a single type of character.

For me, this role isn't just about the nudity. It's part of the story, not the point of it. She's playing a wife and a mother in a well written, meaningful role, and that's what makes it interesting.
Going forward, I have no problem with her playing wives, mothers, or love interests, especially if the roles are well written. My only concern would be if nudity started becoming something that's expected in every project rather than something that's genuinely necessary for the story.

I do agree that if she continues doing nude scenes in future films, there's a chance she'll start getting more offers that involve nudity. That's something we'd definitely want to talk about carefully before she signs another project.

As for the money, I won't pretend it doesn't matter. The offer is close to seven figures, and with backend participation, it could end up being even more. It's a significant amount.

That said, we're already in a comfortable financial position. We both have well paying jobs, so while the money is definitely a plus, it isn't the main reason.
What really makes this project stand out is that it's from a major studio, with a respected director, a strong budget, and, most importantly, a story that's genuinely good. It feels like the kind of opportunity that could open a lot of doors for her in the future, and that's a big part of why it's so appealing.

Can they use a body double for those scenes?

You lean towards this as though she will like this type of contact. What if the co-star lead is a real jerk? Obnoxious and just someone she would normally avoid. Now she has to kiss him etc.

I’m sorry but that is not something I could do. If I disliked someone I’m not that good of an actress that I could kiss or pretend sex etc. I could not be in that position where I dislike someone and they get to touch me or kiss me.

Simulated sex acts without emotion is just another job for some people.

But then again Princess Grace Kelly never acted after she married because it was unbecoming to her role time to be kissing another man. Period.

"...emotionally strong enough to handle it. I don't know how it might affect me afterward."

Why do you think you're emotionally strong if you can handle a nipple sucking scene?
So if she is in the porn industry and you're consenting to it, it makes you even more emotionally strong?
Wow, really?

Just acknowledge that it's absolutely ok not to be okay with it.

I think it's even more emotionally strong to say no, I have a problem with that.