SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So 15 weeks ago I was bombarded with messages on social media by a colleague that used to work with my partner.

Letting me know some of the things she had been Upto.

For 15 weeks she categorically denied it all, turning it around on me and repeatedly telling me I was just looking for a way out and it was people making stuff up.

Everyday I just asked for the truth. I had a gut feeling and I knew it was true.

She wouldn’t give me answers and every time I asked it turned into an argument.

I gave her every opportunity to come clean and hold on to any respect for me she had left and her own dignity.

She even told me she would take a lie detector test. She has lied about everything.

By downloading historic data and messages on her phone I have now found out the truth.

She has been having an affair and having sex with the neighbour sneaking out when I was asleep to have sex in the back of his work van then coming home to myself and the kids like there was nothing wrong.

2 doors down.

What makes this worse is that this happened when I was recovering from major surgery. I have had 3 surgeries in the last so many years and have been told twice they may need to amputate my leg.

I have had a lot of trauma following on from and accident and for the last 10 years or so but in particular the last 3 have suffered with my mental health. I was diagnosed with PTSD.

She was helping me and looking after me, then doing this in her space time.

The relationship and social media had been maintained and he was saved under a girls name from work in her phone book.

Even when caught out she had nowhere to go but continued to give me the trickle truth.

I have had a little bit of a mental break down.

I’ve shaved my head, I’ve smashed up his house and cars and acted in a way that I don’t condone but I was unbelievably angry.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

I’ve cried myself to sleep over and over again.

I want to try and forgive her. I want to try and move on. I want my family to remain together but I don’t know what to do.

I have allowed her to come back home and we have spoken.

But I fear that she may be saying all the right things but does she mean them.

Is she genuinely sorry or is she just sorry she got caught.

She had no intention of me finding out and she had zero intention of ever coming clean. It’s only due to my detective work I uncovered the truth.

Any advice is welcomed.

[This message edited by Anonymous19 at 7:11 PM, Thursday, June 25th]

This is a rough one for me because there are a couple similarities with my story, but when my detecive work produced fruit and I confronted my wife she at least admitted she was having an affair, and tho I really wanted to, I didn't smash her AP's (affair partner's) house and vehicles. Part of me understands why you went off like that, believe me, I do, but that wasn't the best way to go about it. That same part of me that understands hopes you didn't get into much legal trouble over it, but I wouldn't be surprised if you did.

I'm not one of the veteran advice givers here, but I can certainly feel your pain coming through in your words and I didn't want to leave you hanging. What I can say is, 15 weeks is still pretty early out, and since you only recently discovered the truth I'd say your actual d day is very recent. You're going to need time to get your feet back under you. Betrayal trauma is real trauma, and that alone can cause PTSD symptoms, let alone the fact that you were already suffering from it.

I think it's too early to definitively say if reconciliation is in the cards for you, but I understand the desire to. The thing is, your wife is off to a pretty terrible start by stringing you along for 15 weeks then trickle truthing you after discovery. First and foremost, if there's any chance for reconciliation you're going to have to start rebuilding from the truth. The whole truth. Not some sanitized, minimized version where half of the facts are withheld or omitted. You might want to take her up on that offer for a polygraph test.

Your marriage as it was is over. It will never go back to the way it was. That doesn't mean something new can't be rebuilt, but you're going to have to figure out whether or not this is a dealbreaker and your wife is going to have to really roll her sleeves up and prove she's worth the effort. That means a lot of conversations and answering all of your questions, even if you ask the same ones a hundred times. She's going to have to be completely transparent and honest with you about everything. No more secrets, access to her devices and location at all times, and a heaping helping of humility and empathy. I'd hate to say this, but I don't know how it will work if you continue being neighbors with the guy either.

Those are just a few things to know and consider. Hopefully some of the veterans here will be along soon with better insight and advice than I have. I'm still kind of new to this myself and don't usually poke my head into the more complicated situations like this, but like I said I didn't want to leave you hanging man.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, and for the way it all went down for you. This is a really good group of folks who understand what you're going through. We get it. We really do. Hang in there. No one deserves this. No one. There is never a justification for infidelity. No matter what.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:02 PM, Thursday, June 25th]

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's absolutely brutal, and the rage and grief and emotional rollercoaster ride is like nothing else. Be patient and kind with yourself. Love your children and do your best to shield them from all this. Whether you manage to reconcile or not, it's likely to be a multi-year journey before you know if her remorse is real, if you truly want to stay with her (your feelings can change over time), and for you to start feeling whole again.

There are some great pinned threads in the Just Found Out forum. Definitely start there and with the articles in The Healing Library (up top).

Another good thing to do is see a lawyer and understand what splitting up would likely mean in terms of finances and child custody. I have no legal experience, but I suspect that the vandalism could potentially work against you (even though it is very understandable), so you'll want to address that too.

In the meantime, take care of yourself as best you can. Talk to your doctor if you're having trouble eating or sleeping, and try to find a good therapist for yourself. Recovery from infidelity is a marathon, not a sprint. There's no easy way to the other side. Hang in there!

You will be amazed the day you will discover that you are and we’re all along the strong one.

And the prize.

You have been heard

The neighbour is no longer there having been moved on.

He’s walked away from this with a smile on his face and absolutely not bothered one bit.

Me on the other hand I am left devastated. I had self harmed a little as well but I have stopped that now. I don’t know why I did it, I just wanted to feel something else other than the pain inside of me.

The neighbours surrounding my property didn’t give their cctv footage to the police so I at least didn’t get into any major trouble regarding the damage of his property.

I don’t condone my actions, I had never been so angry in all of my life.

The last 15 weeks I was being lied to. This happened quite a bit before that. She had obviously confided in her colleague at work and spoken about it, don’t know if she was proud of it or what. There doesn’t seem to have been any shame in what she’s done or guilt if she is openly discussing it with her friends.

She continued to say good morning to this neighbour every morning for months, as did I, walking past, parking outside his house as if nothing had happened.

She said she felt guilty and ashamed but the above doesn’t feel like that to me. She was never going to tell me, instead they tried to sweep it under the rug together.

She says it happened once, I also don’t believe this.

Thank you for your replies.

Anonymous19,

Can you tell us a little more? How old are you guys? How old are your kids?

Does the POSOM have a wife? If yes, have you told her about the A?

When she said she only did this once, I take that to mean she’s saying this is the only time she cheated?

Was the sequence of events that she finally admitted it, you kicked her out, then rampaged, and then after that she came back seeking to reconcile?

Have you followed up with the former colleague who tipped you off? Seems like that person would be willing to answer your questions, no?

You’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, so that means that you’ve done some therapy. Are you still in therapy? You need to be if you’re not. The self-harm, the out of control rage, those are not things you should try to resolve alone.

You both need to be tested for STDs.

I hear you that you want to want to try to forgive her and to keep your family together. A healthy and properly done reconciliation is one of the ways out of infidelity. But you are full of doubt - with good reason! That doubt is naturally going to interfere with your ability to heal in R with her. One logical approach to that is to start removing sources of doubt.

You can’t be sure you know the whole truth at this point. It’s commonly suggested here to offer her amnesty in exchange for full disclosure. In other words, you trade her a chance to save the marriage for some period of time in exchange for the unvarnished and unedited truth. She writes out a timeline of everything she did (including with other guys if there were any) and then that disclosure is tested via polygraph. She’s already volunteered to take one, so why not take her up on that. Frame it as a golden opportunity for her to prove that she’s now telling the truth.

DNA your kids

STD testing

Polygraph

Expose the OM to everyone in his life, work, his parents, grandparents. Do this suddenly and without warning or threats

Gather your evidence save it securely in case your WW years from now pretends it never happened.

What Survrus said!

Also don't beat yourself up about f'ing up his stuff. I did the same but it was MY stuff!

The AP didn't make a vow to you, try not spend your energy on him. Instead direct it toward your wife, who made thousands of decisions to betray you and your family.

From what you've described. Divorce her and move on. Bragging to colleague indicates she has little to no remorse.

It sounds like you are trying to find a path toward reconciliation, but looking coldly at the facts of your situation, you are not a fit candidate for it, and divorce is the safest and most logical step forward.

Reconciliation is only possible when there is a foundation of radical honesty and profound remorse, neither of which your wife has demonstrated. She lied to you for fifteen weeks and is currently minimising the betrayal by claiming it only happened once, an account you quite rightly do not believe. Genuine remorse does not involve confiding in a work colleague as if she were proud of the situation, nor does it look like casually saying good morning to the neighbour and parking outside his house for months while keeping you in the dark. She showed a massive capacity for duplicity and a clear intent to sweep the entire affair under the rug rather than come clean.

Beyond her actions, the toll this is taking on your own well-being is entirely unsustainable. This betrayal has already pushed you to the point of property damage and self-harm. Coupled with a PTSD diagnosis, staying in a marriage with someone you fundamentally do not trust is actively dangerous to your mental and physical health. You cannot heal in the environment that broke you, especially when the person who broke you is offering nothing but lies and deflection.

The trust is entirely gone, and her behaviour proves she lacks the character required to help you rebuild it. For the sake of your sanity, your safety, and your future, ending the marriage is the only viable option.