SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out 2 days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair. (not sure he admits to the word "affair) but more on that another time.

I am devastated.

In the past, I was married to a lying, womanizing, cheating alcoholic. I stayed for a very long time, for my kids. When I finally had enough, I distanced myself emotionally and joined him in drinking to numb the pain of my life. We eventually divorced, but continued to "hook up". I even stayed at the house with him at times. Also, during this time, I began participating in online chatting communities for fun (not for healing). I met lots of people, and it became a source to fulfill my own needs. I had my own emotional affair (convinced it was fine as my then H had cheated with over 15 women, that I was aware of and could name, and we weren't even married anymore) It gave me an outlet and boosted my self-esteem.

Fast forward, and why is that important? Well, when my now husband and I began seeing each other, I told him about all this. He knew my tumultuous relationship. We had so many lengthy conversations about how emotional affairs are still forms of cheating and that it was important for people to guard their relationship, so that doesn't happen. It took me a very long time to let down my guard and trust this man. But I eventually did. And now, this. I am devastated not only for the pain of the betrayal, but for the loss of who I believed him to be.

I'm so lost and broken.

So sorry to hear this. Are you thinking of working on it or leaving? You don't have to answer. Take the time you need to process. Seek God. 🙏

I’m thinking about staying.
So many reasons to
But, not sure how I’ll get over it. I want to go back to us, but not sure there will ever be that same us now. It’s like a death.

But, not sure how I’ll get over it. I want to go back to us, but not sure there will ever be that same us now.

Things will never go back to the way they were. Your relationship is forever changed and will never be the same again. That's just a fact.

That's not necessarily all gloom and doom tho. It is possible to rebuild and make something new, but the way things were might not be a goal you necessarily want.

It’s like a death.

It really is. I've seen many describe it as worse than the loss of a loved one, topped only by the death of a child. You're going to need time to mourn. To adjust to the new normal. The general rule is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from betrayal trauma. There's no quick fix, and you both have a long road ahead of you. Your WS has a lot of work ahead to try and make things right.

I would suggest you don't make any permanent decisions right now and see how things go. D day was over a year ago for me, and things are going well. We get along better now than we ever have, but I still have some rough days, and while I'm pretty sure we're gonna make it I've left the door open to the possibility we won't. Reconciling at all costs can set a person up for more heartbreak.

He won’t tell me who it was. I feel like I should be given that information. That should be part of his being transparent. Am I wrong!? He just says it won’t help anything for me to know that. He says he has cut off talking to her. I can check his phone anytime I want. But that he won’t tell me who. She was just someone he could talk to about his feelings because he couldn’t talk to me. He wants to work on us.

The relationship can never be the same. It 'may' be repairable and it 'may' become better if the WS is willing to do whatever it takes.

You will forever see your partner differently. You now know that he is capable of. Were you to ask any of my friends or family if they could ever see my wife doing what she did and the resounding response would have been HELL NO yet she did.

You bare no responsibility for his decisions. This is all on him and it's up to him to fix the relationship.

My suggestion is that you demand that he starts IC in hopes that he can find/fix whatever is missing/broken in himself. Until you can believe that he can be a safe partner the relationship will suffer

You could start IC as well to help you navigate the trauma of infidelity. You have found a great place for support and advice

He won’t tell me who it was.

Excuse my language, but fuck that. He doesn’t get to keep that secret. He doesn’t get to protect her or their A. What if it’s someone you know, and you’re just happily chatting with her at the store or church or whatever? How will you ever know if he’s stopped talking to her? No he doesn’t get to keep any of it secret. He needs to tell you everything.

If he wants to work on "us" then he can start by being transparent and honest. He can start by trusting you. He can start by giving what you need to heal from his betrayal. He does not get to dictate the terms of your recovery.

Once you know who it is, you’ll need to inform that person’s spouse if there is one.

I'm sorry you're here.

Do not let him control the situation, that's what every cheater tries to do so that they minimize the blowback to themselves. They always mask it under the guise of 'i dont want to hurt you anymore' or 'it meant nothing', etc.

Don't assume it was only an emotional affair either. You have the right to know all the details - how it started, who she is, everything. Make him write it all down and then tell him you want a polygraph after and see if the details change.

You don't need to make any decisions right now but know that YOU are the one that matters right now. Don't let him make this about things you didn't do in the marriage either. None of that matters because HE crossed the line, not you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I truly feel your pain. At the beginning, I felt exactly the same way: I want my life back, I want our "us" back, I want to wake up from this nightmare.

It’s been a little over a year now, and I’ve stayed. Sometimes it feels like two parallel tracks, with trains moving at different speeds: building a new future and a new relationship is going much better than my own healing from the trauma. We’re both in IC, and my WH is taking his issues very seriously. He’s fully transparent with me and answers every question I have. That’s absolutely essential for rebuilding trust and being able to move forward. I actually feel more comfortable in my marriage now than I did before but I still struggle with the aftermath of the affair, and those demons from what happened keep coming back. Working through PTSD unfortunately just takes a very long time.

If you decide to stay, he needs to come clean, get professional help, and really make you feel he’s sorry (and I mean through actions, not just words).

The first few weeks are brutal - take good care of yourself.

Thank you all who have responded. It’s very helpful to not feel alone in this. Your thoughts about him are spot on. I think he’s trying to make himself feel better because he knows how wrong he’s been. It’s so easy to blame me for not being there for him emotionally. There is truth to this , I made mistakes, got caught up in other focuses (my job, finishing my degree, our teenage daughter) and did not make him or us a priority. So he has "valid" feelings… but ZERO excuse. Its inexcusable. But he’s taking the position of both is were wrong to save face (for himself).

He won’t tell me who it was.

That's a load of shit.

I feel like I should be given that information.

Yes, you should.

That should be part of his being transparent.

Absolutely.

Am I wrong!?

NO.

He just says it won’t help anything for me to know that.

He's just dead wrong. You need the truth, the whole truth, and transparency. Him not telling you is not being transparent at all.

He says he has cut off talking to her.

How are you supposed to know that if he won't even tell you who it is?

I can check his phone anytime I want.

A fat lot of good that does when you don't even knownwho it is, and he can just delete stuff.

But that he won’t tell me who. She was just someone he could talk to about his feelings because he couldn’t talk to me

That's just an excuse.

He wants to work on us.

If that's true then he'll tell you who it was and stop bullshitting you.

I know this hurts to hear, but I wouldn't be so certain that it was only emotional, which is just as bad, really, but his behavior and excuses leave me wondering if he's being honest about any of this. I'm so sorry you're here.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:00 PM, Friday, June 26th]

There is truth to this , I made mistakes, got caught up in other focuses (my job, finishing my degree, our teenage daughter) and did not make him or us a priority. So he has "valid" feelings… but ZERO excuse.

Oh wow this bothers me. Your big "flaw" was working while raising a teenager and getting a degree. While his feelings may be valid, having an affair is not the answer. I know you know this but it's worth repeating, you have done nothing to deserve this.

I echo everyone else's sentiments, it's important for you to know who this person is. Full transparency is needed and if he's not willing to give that to you, that is a major red flag. He can give you his phone but like others have said what are you looking for. I imagine he's deleted all evidence of it and likely used discreet apps to hide. So if you do check his phone, check the battery usage and see which apps are draining the battery. If the calculator app or some innocent but unrecognizable app are sucking up his battery usage it's probably a decoy app he's using and still in contact.

Regardless even if he truly has stopped all contact, you deserve to know. You would want to know especially if it's someone you come across in your life.

Focus on yourself, your school and your daughter and take it hour by hour. It gets better with time and if he continues to be unwilling to share the full story, I would ignore him. He should write down everything he's done including the person he was having an affair with. If he's not willing to give up her name it's likely because she is married and he's protecting her. My wife did the same thing at first, refused to give me information on the guy out of fear of me blowing up his life. To be honest when I found out who he was and that he was also in a relationship I wasn't going to blow up his life, until I posted here and everyone encouraged me to reach out to the AP's SO, which I did and it helped me immensely. A little bit of revenge felt good but it also was the nail in the coffin of that relationship and the OW deserved to know.

I'm rooting for you, no one deserves this. I wish I didn't know this website existed, but it's been helpful getting advice and knowing we're not alone.

He won’t tell me who it was - That's BS. That's him trying to control the narrative because that's what is easiest for him. But he does not get to control the narrative since he is the one who cheated.

Without knowing who it was you may drive yourself nuts wondering was it her or her or her? Was it someone he works with? Was it someone we are friends with? The not knowing will make reconciliation incredibly hard if not impossible

You need to do what is called the 180. You set the rules, you set the boundaries, you set how things are going to progress, and it's his choice to agree or he can leave

And yes you are correct, you may not have been connected to him, you may have been focused on other things, but nothing justifies cheating. Until he realizes that you are willing to end the relationship he has little to no motivation to change

Get his phone records.
Check his email.
You have every right to know who they are.
Good luck.