SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few years ago there was a film called Intimacy directed by Patrice Chéreau. It starred. Kerry Fox, Mark Rylance, two well known actors and featured explicit oral sex. Kerry Fox had your exact conversation with her boyfriend, Alexander Linklater. Linklater wrote about their discussion and their decision in some detail. It might be helpful. For what it's worth I believe they are still together.

How much does she get paid?

I'm sure you and your wife realize the nude scene will be available forever. Everyone will be able to see it. Your family, your children's friends, your colleagues, next door neighbors etc...

No matter how you try to shield them, someone will tell them.

I'll be honest here. If I knew your wife, the scene would play in my head whenever I was around her.

Maybe if it was just showing her breasts but the sucking scene is borderline Porno.

Big nope for me.

Peace

I would want to know why she is considering it.

Do you need the money that badly? Is the director dangling some carrot over her head (think - do this role or your will never work again)? Is there another motive? How does she really thing it would affect her personally and your relationship?

I would turn it down myself.

Decades ago, I was approached by a well known magazine to do a nude spread. I had done local modeling. It was a lot of money (for the time) while WH and I were trying to come up with a down payment for a house. I researched, considered, discussed and ultimately turned it down. I personally considered it "cheating". I realized we'd have never felt fully comfortable in our home (we still live there) as it would have been bought with [what I considered to be] dirty money. And, how in years to come, would potential children feel about this - because you know it would never have fully been a secret.

So here I type many decades later [ironically on SI as the victim of infidelity] realizing I did right for me/us. The money would have made life a lot easier at the time, but life a lot harder as it went on.

The most celebrated, popular, and critically acclaimed movies in cinema history (at least here in America) do not have explicit sex scenes.

A good screen writer can tell the same story without explicit sex scenes. In general, I find explicit sex scenes to be gratuitous nonsense (although I sought them out as a teenager )

I grew up when movies were help to the 'code' that was created in the 1930s by people who thought sex was dirty. I hated that damned code.

For a few years, we saw movies in which sex seemed appropriately done. For the last few decades, sex has been done for shock value. It has become dirty again. You describe some of the sex scenes in the movie, and I suspect they can be done a lot more erotically if they suggest rather than show. I think the director is taking the path of least resistance rather than aiming to create a great movie. Sex isn't the real issue here, so why show it, if not to hide the weaknesses in depicting the emotional difficulties the 2 people face.

Sex is certainly part of the issue for older people - but if that's the point of the movie, the leads need to be 60+. Otherwise, suggesting the solution to the partners desire for each other is likely to be more effective than borrowing from the porn industry.

IOW, I suggest that your W will be better off if she pushes back and if she refuses the role if the director won't budge.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:10 PM, Friday, June 26th]

How much does she get paid?

Almost a million (Dollars? Euros?). Plus 1% of the box office. A pretty significant chunk of change, especially if it does well. Plus future opportunities.

Have not read all the answers but you might watch The Lover although I think they have taken out the graphic scene. It was done with a married man and a younger actress. He was married.
The other is a Marlon Brando movie with a young girl that was traumatized in real life from it Neither girl was a minor. I could not finish the Brando movie and cringed at the other. I do not get why these scenes have to be in movies. I consider the writers and directors in the same place as people who think Lolita is a good story. I consider it all porn disguised as art.
A gifted director could make the same point without the graphic content. It’s voyeuristic.

I would want to know why she is considering it.

Do you need the money that badly? Is the director dangling some carrot over her head (think - do this role or your will never work again)? Is there another motive? How does she really thing it would affect her personally and your relationship?

There are some important reasons, and I believe they're fair.

First, the director has worked with major Hollywood names like Diane Kruger and Marion Cotillard on European films. He's a highly respected director.

Second, it's a big production with a large budget by European standards. This project could open the door to even bigger opportunities for her in the future.

Third, the script itself. I read it, and honestly, I feel like it was made for her.

As I said before, we both have high-paying jobs, so we're financially stable.

She knows what this project could cost us emotionally, which is why she came up with a plan for both of us. Before and after filming, we'll go to therapy together. During the shoot, we'll communicate openly every day, and if I'm having a hard time or feeling overwhelmed, she wants me to tell her immediately. She also suggested that before and after filming, we take a trip together just the two of us.

She believes this won't end our relationship. She knows we'll have difficult days, but she believes we'll get through them together. She also admitted that she's scared and not entirely comfortable with some parts of the role, but she says it's her dream project.

My take is do IC/MC and figure out if you can get over it. I wouldn't get in my wife's way of this type of opportunity.

My take is do IC/MC and figure out if you can get over it. I wouldn't get in my wife's way of this type of opportunity

What's IC/MC?

IC = Individual Counselling

MC = Marriage Counselling

Bud, I don't think that you are prepared for what she's about to do. It all sounds all well and good from a "its for the arts" stand point, but she's a wife and mother, and I don't even know why she would even contemplate doing scenes like that in the first place...

It would be a hard no for me, if I were in your shoes and let the chips fall where they may after that with the marriage...

If she was a single woman, then by all means you do you boo, but this is way too much and you're gonna come out holding the shitty end of the stick on this one imho...

[This message edited by Byebyebirdie at 8:52 PM, Friday, June 26th]

I'm in a similar "cards fall where they may" attitude when I say what I'm saying. I wouldn't want to say no to a legitimate opportunity. If it was too much for me to cope with, then I would break up. But I'm sure not going to control my wife's professional or artistic expression and end up divorced because she resents me.

The deception is the key element of infidelity and OP has a very clearly healthy relationship with full, transparent communication. It's nothing at all like being a BH in the same scenario.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:09 PM, Friday, June 26th]

You and your wife might benefit from the experiences and wisdom of actresses who have expressed regrets about nudity in film.

Google search it. The general consus among actresses is that it's not worth it and it's simply exploitation.

With all this AI available I am not sure why these scenes cannot be created digitally thereby avoiding the need for "real sex".

So let's say in the middle of shooting you are having a very hard time dealing with it and it's causing some major problems for you, what is the solution? Let's say you communicate your problems to her and now she is stuck between a rock and a hard place which may negatively affect her ability to act

She's already been contracted and if she backs out I'm sure there are significant ramifications including financially but more importantly is the possibility of having
issues with it forever

To me it sounds like it's not worth the gamble

I’m with This0is0Fine.

She’s an actress, and this is a breakthrough role. Actors and actresses do this sort of thing, and if you’re ok with her being an actress then the two of you will have to find a way to make sure it works. What I mean is, the sex scene is only one part of it. She’s going to be working in close contact with this handsome leading man even if there were no nude scenes. I am pretty sure there’s been lots of romances, and yes affairs, that happened on sets in Hollywood in movies that had no nudity.

I actually think you’re underestimating the awkwardness for your kids. If you have sons and their friends are anything like mine, then the jokes are going to fly.

Perhaps I am overthinking this, but I kind of gotten the vibe that she is trying to talk you into this in a very round about way.

I get that there’s a lot of money behind it, career advancement etc all of which could disappear if she turns it down.

She knows you’re very uncomfortable with it. This isn’t some mundane topic of discussion. It has the potential to damage your marriage, perhaps beyond repair. She seems to be trying to talk you into it by offering IC/MC and taking you on some kind of vacation.

Is this role really worth the risk? Unless you are completely on board with this, it will always nag at you.

Also have you considered what happens if she takes this role and gets offered a similar one in the future?

I suppose I’m bothered by the fact that once she knew how much of a problem you have with it, didn’t say ok and just turn the role down.