SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Read again and again DRSOOLERS advice!

You are in charge of what your future will look like, choose carefully!

Actually, it's very simple.

You'll leave her. And she can stay in her company.

You're already starting to resent her. Why make it harder for her?

Just leave and divorce her.

You can still reconcile in a few years, after you have healed and after you saw how she "behaved" in the separation and divorce process.

There is another option here.
Since by not immediately quitting the job, or at least asking you if you want her to quit, she’s already told you her priority list and you’re at the bottom.
So,
Do you believe the company will be worth a substantial amount in the somewhat near future? You could always just white knuckle the "marriage" until the time that it’s worth enough, then divorce her and take half of her portion of the company.

If he divorces her, why couldn’t he take half of her stock/options now?

Wow since Your kids financial future might depend on her success this is a tough one.

Research the OM he could be a con man who has done this before, did your WW invest family money into this startup. Possibly the OM uses affairs to blind women and steal from them.

I’ve been in that (startup) world repeatedly. She must choose between her marriage or her startup. Co-founders work crazy hours together, usually under both exciting times and stressful conditions. Her relationship with her AP co-founder is forever MASSIVELY tainted. There’s absolutely no way for things to go back to "just friends".

That also goes to you OP. Unfortunately you must also choose between a CHANCE at R (someday) or the (statistically smaller) chance of landing a payout from an eventual exit. If you choose the cash route (your wife stays with the startup), know that you cannot get there with a truly healed marriage. If she’s still working closely with her co-founder, which she absolutely must, the infidelity continues, whether it’s "physical" or not anymore. What’s truly sad is that your either/or have something in common: not-great odds of succeeding, whether it be a truly healed & happy marriage or a startup landing a big exit.

You still must and can choose only one. Sucks she put you in this position.

straight talk. No sugar. Your head is spinning, so treat this as a checklist.

1. Say nothing about divorce until you're prepared. Right now she thinks she's managing you. Let her think it. While she performs remorse, you quietly gather every financial document you can legally access: tax returns, bank statements, her equity/vesting docs, the cap table if you can get it. The spouse who prepares in silence for 60 days beats the spouse who announces in anger on day one.

2. This week, consult the top 3 family law attorneys in your county. Not one. Three. Once you've consulted them, they can't represent her. Consults cost a few hundred bucks and commit you to nothing. You cannot make any decision - R or D - from a position of ignorance.

3. Understand your leverage, because it's enormous and it's shrinking. Her AP is her co-founder. That means a divorce filing doesn't just reach the marriage - it reaches the company. Depositions of the AP. Subpoenas of their communications and expense reports. A forensic valuation. No startup wants founders deposed about an affair mid-fundraise, and investors hate reading "founder litigation" in due diligence. You never threaten any of this - explicitly threatening to expose the affair to her investors to force a settlement can cross into extortion, so don't. You just file if it comes to that, and legitimate discovery does the rest. The pressure builds itself.

4. Her equity is almost certainly marital property. The timing of filing relative to valuation events (funding rounds) can matter a lot depending on your state. This is exactly the kind of thing your attorney needs to weigh in on. Another reason to go NOW.

5. Dissipation. Every marital dollar spent on the affair - hotels, dinners, gifts, "offsites" - can often be clawed back or credited to your side. The timeline you demand from her is also an accounting document. Get it in writing.

6. If you're in a state where fault matters, proven adultery can reduce or completely bar her from alimony. If you out-earn her, this could be the whole ballgame. Again: attorney, your state, now.

7. From this moment you are a saint on paper. No angry texts, no drinking, no moving out of the house, no revenge dating. Custody evaluators don't care who cheated. They care who's steady. Her 80-hour weeks with her AP become your best exhibit without you saying one unkind word.

8. Know the trade you're being offered. Others here said it and they're right: as long as she works beside her AP, the affair isn't over, whatever she calls it. You can hold out for a payout from an exit that statistically probably never comes, or you can pursue an actual healed life. You can't have both. Only you can make that call, but make it with full information, not fog.

Your leverage is maximal exactly once: before she knows you're serious. Every week you accept words instead of actions, it decays. None of this forces you to divorce. It puts you in a position to choose instead of react.

Standard disclaimer: not a lawyer, laws vary wildly by state. Which is the entire point of #2.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 11:49 AM, Monday, August 10th]

I really appreciate everyone who's chimed in here. We're now back home from our holiday and I've reminded her that -- although we had a pleasant time over the past few weeks with the children and my family -- in my mind nothing's changed, the affair is still ongoing, and if she's looking for R, which she claims, it all starts with NC with the AP. Suffice it to say, she hasn't taken that reminder well...

In the meanwhile, I've already been in contact with two family law firms and will possibly initiate a conversation with a third (thanks for the tip @Sharkman). She has no idea that these consultations are occurring and will likely be taken by surprise when the time comes. It hurts me to go this route, but she really isn't giving me any other out.

For everyone who's commented on the implications to the startup, I absolutely understand my leverage here. For my children's sake, I'd rather not blow up her company, which I believe is currently valued in the low single-digit millions. I'm not at all entertaining the idea of sticking around for my own payout, given the low probability of a successful exit in the world of biotech.

And as for me, day by day I'm seeing R become more and more improbable. I've opened up to more friends, my own family, and even her brother, with whom I'm close. Everyone agrees with my (our) assessment: that she can't have both our family in its current state and her company. Really poor decisions on her part have guaranteed awful outcomes for everybody...

I know it doesn't feel like it but you're doing great. You're not frozen with indecision and you're taking steps to protect yourself. I know this sucks really bad, but you taking those steps will help pull you through this in as good a position as possible. Stay strong, don't waver, and stick to your guns. You will get through this, and in better shape than a lot of others in the same shoes.

I wish you weren't dealing with this at all, but since it's been dumped in your lap you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself and your children. Future you will appreciate present you for doing what you're doing now. Keep us updated and let us know if you have any questions. I wish you the best.

Stay on course with the lawyer, because it seems like her job and AP have more priority over you, the kids and the marriage...

You're flogging the proverbial dead horse when it comes to her...

Hope you got tested for STD's etc?

I'm very glad you are seeing it this way.

There really is no path to happiness staying in a relationship with a partner who is trying to negotiate staying in contact with her AP, no matter what the circumstances.

If she truly wanted a chance at a life with you after infidelity she'd be taking the lead on the steps she needs in order to help with your healing and to rebuild what she destroyed. That would be of the utmost importance, not the future of her company.

And you can't do it for her. You need it to come from her own desire for you and your relationship. If you lead her thru it you will only have reconciled with yourself, not her.

You are doing well in this storm, taking action that needs to be done. Be aware of the rollercoaster of emotions that come along with infidelity. Post and vent your frustrations as you need. This site is a good place to vent, among people who understand and have been where you are. Be there for your children and help them through this horrible situation she is creating. Take care of your health. You are on the right path to get out of infidelity.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:31 AM, Tuesday, August 11th]

I’m sorry that R is not happening the way it should.

What if your Wife decides to leave the start-up company after you announce your plan to Divorce?

Would that change your mind?

It sounds like you are taking the appropriate steps, it's a shame she is unwilling to put you or your family above her work and affair partner.

Just remembered you can do better than someone who'd betray you and your family. She's been lucky to be offered the chance you gave her. If she wanted this, she'd be gripping the chance with both hands. You shouldn't need to chase her to do the right thing. Many people would have went nuclear upon discovery, kicked her out, dragged her name through the mud and initiated a messy divorce. You've given her every chance. You can't make her do the right thing, you can't make her a decent person. Onwards and upwards.

Startup, glad to see you back. Seems like you are doing well, but you may not feel like it right now. The right direction often isn't the direction where you face the least pain. Sorry. One thing you didn't mention was confirming the story about the AP's relationship status. Your WW, may not know the truth and if she does she may not have been honest about it. If there is an OBS (or partner), informing her has the potential for a significant impact on this situation. I really hope you won't let this slip by the way side.

@The1stWife

What if your Wife decides to leave the start-up company after you announce your plan to Divorce?

Would that change your mind?

Maybe I'd put the proceedings on hold? It's hard to say right now. I've tried to make it clear to her that I'm not working on the marriage / trying to fix 'us' until I'm certain the affair is over. So no R could even begin until she actually leaves the company. That said, affair aside, her responses and reactions over the past few months have soured me quite a bit on her character.

@Lostinmarriage: I started to pursue the AP's relationship status, but I found myself becoming highly activated spending so much time engaging with his name on Google. He doesn't have any social media presence outside of LinkedIn, and my understanding of privacy laws where we live in Western Europe make it seem like the details of someone's marital/divorce status aren't publicly available without substantial cause. Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

Check trade registers, starting with the startup representation, if he is enterprising person then there is a good chance that he own or owned some other enterprises. Maybe one of them was co-owned with his wife, then You'll have her name to look for. You can also pay for economic report on him (sort of credit or financial standing), results may come back with martial status which is important information regarding financial status of potential business partner.

Depending on a country, land registers may be available online. If You know any property that he owned (check registered offices of his enterprises gained through trade registers), check it, there is a chance that he co own it with his wife.

Then with her name look for her socials.

[This message edited by ToKu at 2:30 PM, Tuesday, August 11th]

Glad you are still with us…

Unfortunately some of the good advice offered regarding legal standing won’t apply seeing as you are in Western Europe.

First of all: Wife and OM not working together won’t guarantee or ensure the affair is over. However no contact makes accountability so much more possible.
I have shared this story many times here: Some years ago I had a guy on my team who had an affair with a woman in another department. He came to me to ask that he no longer had to interact with his OW (she did job assignments and follow-ups). The OW is a good personal friend of mine (yet I didn’t have a clue about the affair).
However – knowing both of them and working with both I KNOW the affair ended on d-day. I know the man stopped eating lunch at the cafeteria, avoided the building the OW was in, kept away from company social events and all that. I also know from talking to the OW that she kept away from him.
Yet the man shared with me that reconciliation was slow.
Then, about six months after all this came to light, the OW took a position in another company. A few months later the man told me that his marriage was improving drastically, and that he felt certain they would make it. The watershed moment seemed to be when the OW left the company. This despite there having been no or minimal contact (and then only as in group emails) between the two of them.
Turns out the wife needed that barrier, that distance, to feel safe enough to allow herself to start reconciling. The NC was so important for HER to be able to reconcile, more so than for the wayward husband who had already committed to ending the affair.
Another twist is that although they met at work, their affair wasn’t consummated in office-space, but at the OW apartment only a few miles from work. Her new job was less than five miles from the old job. Had they wanted to continue the affair or break NC then – if anything – the new job might have made it easier. Yet for US – the betrayed spouse – I think having that distance from regular reminders is important and crucial for reconciliation.

I can also share that his wife had a hard time attending company functions after d-day. Even after the OW left she had a hard time at the annual family picnic, the Christmas events and so on. She felt as if all eyes were on her and everyone whispering about how she had been cheated on. If your wife’s company is important to her – are you capable and willing to attend social functions with her where there might be others that know of the affair?

I don’t think you should make leaving the job a requirement. That is simply one possible solution to ensure/support NC. Make NC a requirement, and allow her to suggest how that might be possible:
Other options might be to have the OM bought out or fired from the company.
Might be selling the company. If it’s successful there will be interested parties.
Might be opening to the board and having them choose between the two.

Frankly – it’s relatively rare that a startup company is worth millions of anything 2-3 years in. When I say "worth" then I’m considering value over debt, or clean financial value after all debts and commitments are cleared. As a rule (and saying this as an entrepreneur with experience) startups are not profitable despite possible high turnover or income due to startup and marketing costs. A good indicator might be to evaluate what your wife is bringing home in pay. Does it reflect a CEO in a startup worth millions? Is it regular? Is she getting perks like a car and all that?

If she’s successful there then how hard would it be to get a comparable role in another company?
Friend – I made the mistake I think you are making in not knowing about key-partners in an important venture. You don’t seem to know much about this cofounder who – even assuming the affair started AFTER the company was founded – was an integral part of your family future (and yes – deciding to go into a startup while married is something marital partners need to be in agreement with).
In my instance the unvetted business partner embezzled the startup and left if worthless.
This lack of knowledge about her key-partners in the startup make me wonder if you really have a good-enough vision of where the startup is financially and progressively right now? With Western Europe’s heavy financial regulation, I suggest you get a copy of the latest annual financial reports and see how profitable the company really is, as well as learn who her partners really are.

@Bigger, I really appreciate your post. You're right that I've probably been too distant and unknowledgeable about the financial and personal workings of my wife's company. Financially, the startup is at a pre-revenue stage, with a candidate cancer therapy beginning to enter clinical trials. Valuation is definitely a "finger in the air" estimate that reflects what their initial investor(s) are saying the company is worth. In the discussion I had with an attorney this morning he suggested that, should we D, I find some evidence of that valuation that could be used in a settlement. I honestly wonder if it's worth the headache, as it's probably not something my wife will be willing to share freely.

About not knowing her business partners better, yeah, I overlooked the risk there. Lesson learnt!

Finally, I'm totally with you about NC being the requirement rather than leaving the job. Problem is, she's not coming back to me with any options and I don't see it as my problem to solve.

Keep a couple of things in mind regarding the attorney:
His task is to ensure a fair divorce that is as advantageous to you as possible within the framework of the law in your area. In Western Europe it tends to be pretty cut-and-clear: Chances ALL the assets gained in the marriage are joint – including the value of her share in the startup. It would not be to anyone’s advantage to dilute that value as part of a divorce process simply to lessen what she might have to pay towards a divorce, as that would also devalue it at the same time for investments, loans etc.
Your wife does not have the option of not presenting the value, and if she undervalues it to minimize her payout in a legal document, she’s also telling the initial investors that their investment is down the drain.
Your local national company business registry should have a copy of last years annual financial statement. In many European countries you can download it for free or for a nominal charge. Part of EU regulations…
Chances are also that the company has a portfolio or folder for potential investors.

I guestimate that the real value of the company as far as a possible divorce goes is what she’s willing to leave for you in lieu of the company shares.
Keep in mind that the division of assets is not 50/50 per asset, but more like the total value of everything divided in an amicable manner. So you might be able to keep your pension in it’s totality, or the paid off vehicle, or the family home (or a larger share of the family home) based on her retaining her shares of the company.