WBFA, I agree that prompt replies to text messages, being transparent about one's location, or a warning that one is running late, are not terribly difficult habits to develop. It does, however, require a level of mindfulness that may be alien to someone who is not habitually so inclined.
Before d-day, my ex-wife didn't always promptly reply to my text messages, I was rarely, if ever, concerned with her whereabouts, and generally annoyed with, but accustomed to, her habitual tardiness. And since I rarely, if ever, demanded any of those habits change, I'd imagine she became quite accustomed to my lack of concern.
After d-day, while suffering from the trauma, being hypersensitive and hypervigalent and hypereverythingelse, it took me a while to impress upon her how important these things were to me, and a while longer for her to change her habits.
I'm not trying to excuse Gemmy's wife, defend her specifically, nor in any way chastise him for being angry about it. I am merely trying to point out that for most people, developing new habits involves a very natural learning curve.
Even the smallest requests to avoid triggers are still too much effort for her.
This is what I was referring to that prompted my comment about a steep learning curve.
It is damned near impossible to avoid triggers. First, it seems to me, from personal experience and reading from other BS, that none of us can possibly know what might be a trigger. All sorts of crazy, unpredictable shit, can be a trigger. Second, a WS has the same problem. They have no idea how to avoid triggers they cannot reasonably predict. Even trying to avoid them can often be a trigger, which is totally FUBAR in and of itself.
Learning to embrace triggers, learning how to disarm them, is fucking hard - it's a steep ass learning curve.
I understand that you're opposed to reconciliation and I respect your views. I don't judge either way. I'm neither pro-R nor pro-D. My goal is to help BS find their own way forward, regardless. I honestly don't care one way or another which road Gemmy takes so long as he finds peace.
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sisoon, you're certainly correct, IMO, that BS are victims of betrayal. The difference for me - and NtV helped me to understand this - is that there is a very real danger in allowing victimhood to define us.
I was victimized, but I am not a victim. And while it may seem a subtle distinction or semantic argument, there's truth and wisdom that our thoughts can mislead us.
