SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To those who are R or in R

1) Why did you decide to stay and R?

2) how did you know you were strong enough to live with what your WS did?

3) are you happy and at peace with your decision now?

The only reason I decided to give Reconciliation a chance was because I saw my H change.

He refused to even admit to his first affair. And I allowed it to be rugswept. I was a doormat.

Second affair (typical midlife crisis) he is planning to Divorce me. Two DDays, false R and all that goes with it.

When I finally snap and had enough and tell him I have no choice but to D him, he’s begging to R. I refused. He’s badgering me and pestering me and I finally was tired if it. So I told him if he wanted to R to go right ahead, but I’m not doing anything to help you. I’m not lifting a finger or making an effort.

And at that point I was doing the hard 180 b/c I planned to D him.

It was my counselor who pointed out that there was hope. He (the counselor) recognized that in 30 days my H had made some changes, was showing remorse AND doing what he could to make amends.

It took me a year to let my guard down. It took me a year before I stopped waking up every day thinking "I can’t do this. I need to D him".

But during that time my H never quit trying. Whether we D or R, he was committed to making amends.

The only reason I stayed was because I still loved him and believe we would be happy if we stayed together.

So far it’s been pretty damn good. I do not regret my decision.

PS - today is 12 years from Dday. July 4th is not my favorite holiday. I remember sitting in my bedroom on the floor crying my eyes out and my H stepping over me to go to a BBQ. He had NO REMORSE at that time for anything. It was "my fault" he cheated.

He truly regrets all of it. And that is what made R for us possible-his ability to recognize and admit the mistakes he made.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:30 PM, Thursday, July 3rd]

Regarding being strong enough, that is tough.

I was a mess for 6 months and unfortunately I did not know about SI so I was operating on my smarts.

First thing I did was to become financially independent and get as much $ together as fast as possible.

I then had a plan for every contingency.

If we D and it’s ugly, I had a plan. If we D and the OW wants to be a step mom, I was prepared. If we D and it’s going ok, I had a plan for custody that was 50/50 and very fair.

I started my own social life which I continue to this day.

I also think that while I would not have wanted a D, I also think living with a lying cheating H who blamed me for everything was not an option either. So at the time, unfortunately D was my only option.

I only had 6 months to prepare for it. I had mediators lined up and division of assets in my mind. I planned to get it done fast and w/ as little drama as possible.

I still have that plan in place today. No joint credit cards, one joint checking account, my business is separate and my kids are now adults so there is no custody to decide.

That plan gives me security and allows me to sleep well lol

You’re a warrior the1stwife, a warrior.

I went from being a doormat to being someone to reckon either (in a quiet understated way).

I am certain my H regrets opening up that can of worms because I used to be much more agreeable.

I sometimes recommend not making any decisions on D or R for 6 months. It gives you time for the dust to settle and to get your bearings. Dday is an emotional trauma that is like a bomb hitting your marriage.

Just sit back and watch. That will tell you everything you need to know.

1) Why did you decide to stay and R?

a) I still loved my W. I thought her A was a symptom of some type of illness, and I thought this what was meant by 'in sickness...' and 'for worse'.

b) She took responsibility for her actions, became honest (I haven't detected a lie since she decided to be honest on 12/22/2010), and she committed to change.

c) I thought she'd follow through on her commitment to change.

2) how did you know you were strong enough to live with what your WS did?

I didn't think I had a good choice other than to heal. Anything else meant either a slow, quick, or in-between suicide.

3) are you happy and at peace with your decision now?

Yes, but I don't regret decisions, with a few exceptions. Life is like poker, IMO - once the money is in the pot, it's no longer mine. Once I make a decision, I have to deal with the consequences, whether i like them or not, and I accept that I can't predict the future.

1) Why did you decide to stay and R?

Of course I still love my wife and never stopped. I think that is a fundamental necessity of the relationship to exist at all. I don't think love is even close to a good reason to try to R. In fact, it's probably the worst reason. We do dumb things for love. It's almost never used to justify a good decision. I've written on this topic at length before. What it comes down to for me is that love is like the sole of a shoe. Every shoe has a sole, or it isn't a shoe. But even the shittiest shoes have soles. Doesn't mean you should keep wearing those shoes.

Practical reasons. We have kids and a house. I don't want to move and I don't want to spend half my time away from them. I did weigh D as an option, and it is still always an option. While my R is solid, it is philosophically always going to be "R for now, but I can change my mind if I want to".

I made a decision tree. The decision is essentially dictated by the chances I assign to repeat behavior by my wife. She has done the work to make that sufficiently low for me to remain comfortable in my decision.

2) how did you know you were strong enough to live with what your WS did?

This is where being in the minor leagues of betrayal helps? It's impossible to know if I would be strong enough under different conditions than the ones I am in. But I found I'm able to live with the betrayal as part of our relationship history. I guess I found that out by living with it long enough. I don't know if there is any other way to figure it out than by living with it for a good long while.

3) are you happy and at peace with your decision now?

Yes.

1) Why did you decide to stay and R?

Initially I stayed to try and understand what happened and why it happened. I loved my wife, but love wasn’t enough to keep us out of infidelity, it would take more than love to move forward. Strangely enough, our R didn’t really start until two years in, shortly after I had given up hope. I told my wife I didn’t think it was going to work, we agreed on my choice and the whole "willing to lose the M to save the M" thing kicked in.

Once I understood, one I absolutely KNEW I would be fine single or married, I got curious about what my wife and I could salvage from a reset.

2) how did you know you were strong enough to live with what your WS did?

Strength isn’t a problem. I’ve survived other trauma in life, this may be one of the toughest emotional adversities I have faced, but humans are certainly built to handle a lot more duress than we plan on.

For me, it is about if I stay, will my M be worthy of me, of my precious, limited time on the planet?

The challenge isn’t overcoming what happened, it is being able to see my wife as a complete person, not merely her flaws. And in my case, my wife made some horrible choices, but she has made some really good choices to as a parent, as a person. I don’t let her worst moments define her or me.

3) are you happy and at peace with your decision now?

Yes.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:38 PM, Thursday, July 3rd]

I guess I qualify to answer.

So, my story is a little like The1stWife's in that I snapped and kicked him out and stopped trying to control the narrative, started working on acceptance that there was likely going to be a divorce. Got myself into therapy. Lo and behold, he did the same. And started to do the work, read the books, wrote the timeline, etc and started to make enough changes that I let him come back about 6 weeks later.

After individual therapy for a while, we started therapy as a couple. And tried to re-build.

There was an element of time sunk in my decision. We had been married for 28 years, together for 33. Money was certainly part of my decision making in that we are obviously better off together financially than apart. No kids, but honestly, my dogs played into the decision, too, and lifestyle.

I'm the sort of person who is pretty logical, and I'm quite aware that people have lived through much worse than I did just being betrayed. Not to make betrayal seem like a small thing because it's not but in the grand scheme of things, people have survived way worse things, imo. I tend to look at war, torture, rape, abuse, crime, etc as way worse than what happened to me. What happened was obviously emotionally painful but I still knew I'm a great person and he made shitty choices, and I had nothing to be ashamed of, you know?

Not going to lie, I am not always happy and at peace. My d-day was 12 years ago. I don't think about it every day. I feel that our marriage is somewhat tainted, and that I am more cautious than I was before. Trying to be more aware, tuned in. I miss the innocence. I'm mostly happy - after all, it was my decision. But I can't say 100% happy. Logical me says who is?

Bruce123

ThisiIs0Fine and Oldwounds

both posted what I would have but they got on first.

ThisiIs0Fine - his story very close to mine.

The cheating memory is for life - you learn to live with that same as loss of relative or losing vehicle in a wreck.

Not the same intensity but as time passes, the memory doesn't bring you down but for a few seconds or a minute.

- Life goes on - Live for it!

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 8:43 PM, Thursday, July 3rd]

I decided to stay and R because my WH was immediately remorseful and willing to work together to rebuild our marriage from the ground up. He took full responsibility, never blamed me and went immediate NC with her. We started MC right away (I know many on here don’t recommend that but it worked well for us) and we both started IC a little while after that. He took a few months to work on his whys and came to the realization about what had been missing between us that led to his selfish, poor decisions. We worked together to get our deep connection back and have been making steady progress over the past 8 months since DDay.

How did I know I was strong enough? I didn’t at first, and until very recently (the past month) I still felt at times that he didn’t deserve forgiveness and I should consider walking away, despite our progress and how remorseful he was. I just didn’t know if I could ever get past the A. But those feelings got less and less over the past few months and lately I have really felt sure that this is the right thing to do. It happened, but it’s not happening now, and nothing I do can change the past. The present is what matters, and our marriage grows stronger all the time. He continues to be amazed that I have stayed and tries to show me how grateful he is on a daily basis. It will probably always hurt, but it feels less important now.

Yes I am at peace with my decision now. It really is possible to happily reconcile after this but I believe it requires a WH who takes full responsibility. It has been a very rough ride but we are both committed to seeing it through together. I hope this helps you.

1) Why did you decide to stay and R?
I'm not sure I'd say it was explicitly because of the kids, but I can say that if we hadn't had kids (ages 8-10-12 at the time) that I definitely would've left her. There's also always been a sense of "for better or worse" running through my mind, and this falls in the "for worse" part of that for me. I made that vow, and I'm willing to keep it.

2) how did you know you were strong enough to live with what your WS did?
Because I was strong enough for anything I decided to take on. I'm a grown-ass man, and I could walk if I wanted, or stay if I wanted, or change my mind any time I wanted.

3) are you happy and at peace with your decision now?
Yeah - I'm at peace with my decisions. Were they the best? Who knows, but I'm content with what I decided when I decided it. It's kinda weird, but I don't second guess myself. I made the best choices at the time, knowing what I knew and given what I had to work with. If I want to change my mind at any time, I will do that. Her affair put me in a shitty spot, but it also put me in a place where I could make any decision I chose, without regrets, and I guess I'm still kinda there.

1) Why did you decide to stay and R?

Honestly from the second I found out my initial reaction was I am staying because I read the text and knew it was very short term and wasn’t physical but then later second guessed that and dug deeper but came up with the same conclusion. Before this happened my opinion was you cheat, I’m gone, I’m the breadwinner, I don’t need him, I want him, but if you cheat I will be fine. I knew I loved my husband and this was so out of character and I had to dig deeper and figure out what was going on and at least give it a chance before I walked away. His reaction changed my mind.

2) how did you know you were strong enough to live with what your WS did?

I still 18 months later don’t know that I’m strong enough. My life has completely changed because of what he did. He had also been there every step of the way, there is no contact, he quit the job he had with her, he has diffused several triggers and he lets me talk about it anytime I want to, even if it is out of the blue and something that has nothing to do with us. He is 100% committed to me. Does that mean I trust him and have forgiven him, not yet, I wear a fake ring, because I am not ready to put my wedding ring on yet but he has never balked at another hour long session of me firing questions and losing my mind. He has loved me through it all.

3) are you happy and at peace with your decision now?

I am happy most days, the triggers suck and I still think about it all the time but we are moving on with life and raising our kids and vacationing and enjoying life. We are now planning vacations together instead of me doing it and him coming and we are having so much fun and I do remind him that he could have done this before. I am at peace with my decision to stay, I am just not at the point I forgive you stage, yet I feel I will be if he keeps putting in the work and rebuilding trust. He has done nothing in 18 months to make me not trust him, he text me when he leaves work or is doing certain things without me asking, I don’t regret staying and I hope I don’t end up regretting it but confident I won’t.

His affair with as as an emotional affair with a coworker over a couple of months and only texting over a couple of weeks, he thought he was deleting text but didn’t know how to permanently delete them, even with her asking if he was, so I saw them all.

[This message edited by Emotionalaffair24 at 5:27 AM, Monday, July 7th]

My first marriage ended while I was in labour with our second child. He told me he’d met someone else and was leaving me. I had no choice in the matter, and we went through a long drawn out, very acrimonious divorce.

My current FWH cheated after 26 years of marriage. I assumed we’d divorce, but after a while realised I still loved him and wanted to try R. My previous experience had shown me that I am certainly strong enough to cope with divorce, but I had no idea if I was strong enough for R. But my FWH did all the work, became open and honest, and worked hard to show me that he loved and wanted me. I was an absolute mess for the first year, but it’s been more than 6 years now and I don’t regret my decision to R. There is a small part of me that knows I could cope if anything happened and I had to leave. Other than financially I’d be fine.

My marriage these days is comfortable and happy, and I’m glad I managed to get through the painful days of 2019 and get to where we are now. As all others who have successfully R have said, it only works if the wayward partner is all in and does the work to heal themselves and the marriage.