SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was just barely over a year ago. I caught my (F41) husband (M43, Married for 14 years, together for 19) soliciting sex online, and sexting with other women when he was away at a conference. I decided at the time that I would try for reconciliation because we have 2 young children. (6M and 3F). But the year since then has been like clawing my way out of thick fog... and every step has revealed more horrifying things. I am now at the very beginning stages of divorce, though my spouse doesn't know that yet. I am waiting for my lawyer to have an initial contact letter ready before I have a conversation with him where I tell him that I want a divorce. But I am sitting on some vile, land mine type information and its making me feel sick.

I read somewhere that what you find out on DDay is always just the tip of the iceberg. And that has been horrifyingly true in my case.

For most of this past year he has still, even after being discovered, been leaving his computer on and unlocked 24/7. So my discoveries have been made through occasional monitoring of his computer.

First revelation post DDay... my husband likely has compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. (The official, diagnosable term that would include porn addiction.) I have discovered that he keeps a seperate browser window of porn tabs minimized on his computer at all times. (Which might explain why he has been freaking out every time the kids go into his office!) He is watching porn for anywhere from 30 - 1.5 hours per day, almost every day. Sometimes during his work hours. (He's hybrid.) Sometimes during the middle of the day when the kids are home. Even once when we were at my parent's house, and I know he was sitting alone in their living room in the middle of the night.

Second revelation: He has 20 year old nude photos and pornographic videos of ex girlfriends (who are barely legal in the videos) still on his computer.

Third revelation: He has a taste for teen and college girl porn content. The type on regular porn sites where the women are likely legal, but there is no way to tell 100%. (He insisted, vehemently when he was trying to cover up his sexting that the girls were 20 years younger than him, and that would be disgusting. Now I know why he protested so much without prompting!)

Fourth revelation: He sexualizes everything I do... special interests, hobbies. I've found porn related to all of them. The worst one though was when he found my sex toys. New ones, that he had never touched. That I bought on the recommendaion of my therapist to work through some of my betrayal trauma. They were missing for over a week when he came to me and said that "one of the kids found something private of yours. I left it on the bed. Maybe find a better hiding spot." But I found searches in his browser history, dated a full week before he told me this, for the brand I bought the toys from, and of porn videos of women using my specific toys.

Fifth: I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and my husband is likely a narcissist. I've been subjected to all the blame shifting (My therpaist called him a master of blame shifting) gaslighting and minimization. I have confusion, exhaustion, and autoimmune issues associated with it. I can finally, FINALLY see the patterns.

Sixth: He searched for ways to bug my phone.

Seventh: There are disappearing messages in his instagram account going back years. This was likely NOT his first foray into sexting.

Eigth: He has files of downloaded porn videos and photos, going back 20+ years saved on old hard drives that are still connected to his computer.

Ninth: He has a hidden "shag list" of when he has slept with saved amongst his porn.

Tenth: *TRIGGER WARNING. Child porn. If you need to, skip this.*

I found 20+ year old child pornography photos. So at some point in the years just before I met him, when he was in his early 20s, he was searching for, looking at, and downloading images of young teenage girls... None of them are of my our children, or of children we know.

I had this last revelation an hour before my first consultation with my lawyer. The lawyer walked me through what my options were. The lawyer's opinion was that if I called the cops he would be arrested. There would be an investigation and a bunch of chaos in our home, that my kids would not be able to be protected from completely. But eventually he would likely be released and not officially charged because he didnt take the images or distribute them, and because the images are 20 - 25 years old. He recommended instead that I collect proof of their existence (I have screen shots of the folder on a secured pin drive.) As we start discussing custody, if my husband starts to push back against me having primary custody my lawyer will have a side conversation with his, basically along the lines of "Did he tell you whats on his computer? Your client doesnt want this custody discussion to go to court." Since my kids are not in the images and not in immediate danger, (I do 99% of the parenting, he's alsmost never alone with them) this will help us ensure that I get primary custody. I've done additional research to check my lawyer's advice and it seems sound. So unless you're a lawyer in my province please no legal advice. I dont need judgement on this decision. Its hard enough as is.

Im struggling with sitting on all of this information, and keeping this last bit a secret. My support system knows bits and peices... but no one person knows everything. No one truly knows how BAD it is. And for now I cant tell either my therapist or my best friend about the child porn because of mandatory reporter laws.

*TRIGGER WARNING OVER*

I am still living with him, interacting with him, every day. He acts like such a nice guy most of the time. And there is all this opperating underneath the surface. I no longer feel like I know who I married, and I feel sick from the contradiction of how he acts most of the time and evertyhing that I know. I feel sick keeping this secret to protect my kids.

Has anyone else dealt with DDay being the tip of the iceberg like this, and revealing a darker side of their spouse? Dealt with having to keep some of what you found out secret either for legal reasons or to protect the kids? How did you cope?

Short answer: "Oh Yes!"

It is really accurate to say D-Day is the tip of the iceberg. Took me over 5 years to get the adultery timeline verified that I always had a hunch it was. And that was only by sheer chance: an out-of-town massage parlor receipt I came across in carry-on luggage that had been in upstairs storage for 5 years. The date on the receipt was a full year before he had sworn he cheated for the "first time." Oddly I just got the urge to open all the side zip pouches in the case, for no conscious reason, when he was planning another trip away after years staying home "working on R" at the advice of our MC. That is when I discovered 5 more years of his lies after the first D-Day. My suspicions all along were "you don't get from A to Z like he did, without going through a LOT of steps..." Turned out his entire adult life story he had "shared" with me from when we met, was a total lie. I kept wondering how he got so far down into the gutter and he finally admitted, under pressure, that his first sex was with a prostitute, many years before we met. And it went on from there.

But yes, it is really sick how they act so nice to keep the appearances up! I'm sure you are still seeing just enough to open your eyes, but please know it could be a lot more than you ever want to know. I am also very sorry you feel you have to "protect" him, the way your lawyer advised you.

You have been traumatized, and I would recommend getting yourself some confidential trauma-informed therapy or support for yourself besides just the legal angle. I wish I had gotten that. Like you, my first stop was a divorce lawyer who warned me right away not to move too fast until he could help me build a better case for financial relief, since my WH is not from this country and this lawyer had seen many such marriages where the guilty party turns into a "flight risk" for spousal abandonment. He thought if we sued for Adultery and/or annulment, my WH would just get on a plane and go home to his family. With our combined debts by that point, I felt I had to grit my teeth and go through years of hell instead while we got out of that situation. Maybe that wasn't the right way...

Thank you! Thankfully it wont be years. In hopefully less than a week I will have that letter, and be able to start the process rolling. Seperation for a year will be required, because legally online sexual activity doesnt count as infideltiy here. Which is the most ridiculous bull shit!

The lawyer and I had a conversation about the stratgey and he very clearly said "I want you to remember you're not doing this to protect him. You're doing it to protect your kids from the chaos." And its 100% true. But also, I wish it didnt have the side effect of protecting him as well. I really wish I had a better way to protect them.

I have a good therapist. But I cant tell her specifically what I found because in Ontario therapists are mandatory reporters. She would be legally required to call the cops, and then chaos ensues anyway. My best friend is also a mandatory reporter.

Its honestly the reason I joined this forum. So I could talk about this with some anonymity and not trigger legal chaos.