Too soon to say R
3 months post DDay, quick background if not known. WS had a 4 month EA with coworker. Mainly phone calls, texting and progressed to agreeing and discussing to meet outside of work for sex. First 2.5 months, I did a 180 and last couple weeks I’ve begun to show some kindness, allowed more conversations and shown emotions.
Things I’ve observed from WS since DDay:
1. Stopped contact w/AP
2. Started process to transfer out of office, he says bc he wants to remove himself from the environment but also bc he knows it will always be a trigger for me everyday he goes into work. This process may take minimum 6 months and likely a lot more. There has to be an opening, he has to apply and be selected. Not a quick or easy process, but he’s set on it.
3. Shared phone location. Sharing wearing abouts, which he usually did but now I have location. Access to phone logs through phone carrier.
4. Began individual counseling. This one shocked me, he’s not the type of person who "believes" in counseling. The couple times we’ve done counseling throughout our marriage has been because I’ve asked him to do it, while I searched it and booked it. He has not shared anything about it, so I don’t know what topics he’s starting with…he has child sexual abuse trauma which has never been addressed. I did search up the place he chose and it specializes in trauma and in people who serve/first responders(WS works in this field) but provides all counseling services. According to the business card he left on his nightstand, he’s meeting with a clinical psychologist who specializes in marriage/family and PTSD.
5. He also ask how I’m feeling, if I have any questions or just need to talk. He apologizes randomly in situations that he believes may be triggering to me.
This is WS second affair. First affair was 10 years ago, a 1 night stand, he did a polygraph then and we did some marriage counseling. He didn’t seem truly remorseful and wanted to sweep under the rug. I eventually forgave and moved past it. This time we both reacted completely different. I was done, strong and did 180. He seems remorseful, and doesn’t want to sweep it under the rug and actually wants to do the hard work this time around. The individual counseling seems to be helping him emotionally mature, and understand the damage he’s caused and also maybe steps he can take.
I guess I’m still watching, waiting, healing, and deciding. It’s still very early, I know I’ve been through this. But what I do know is I’m focused on my healing this time, even though I haven’t offered him R or D, he also seems to be focused on my healing. We have also been parenting our kids smoothly since we both agreed they are priority and don’t want the home to be toxic or uncomfortable.
2 comments posted: Sunday, April 12th, 2026
Lifestyle vs Love
Under 2 months of DDay, affair #2. My mind says he will never change, he’s not emotionally mature and he’s not really interested in doing any work on himself. He’s gotten pretty good at lieing and hiding. I think he doesn’t deserve me, my loyalty or my love. But here is where I play scenarios in my head, what if I eventually get in another relationship and that person has an A or has other flaws that I’m not okay with. See, I know my WS is a horrible person for what he’s done to me, the betrayal, the lies, the sneaking around and I’m not interested in a relationship with him because of it. But he was a "good" day to day partner. Never questioned if I spent money, if I went with friends to brunch, if I didn’t work, if I didn’t clean, if I didn’t cook dinner bc I was just lazy. He’s doesn’t yell or pick fights. He’s very handy in the home, a hands on and lovable dad to our kids Which makes me think, can I sacrifice my heart/love life, for comfort of the day to day life, for the finances, for my kids, for the life I am able to live daily. One lawyer during consult said, D is hard on everyone and your life will change and be challenging in many ways, are you okay with that? And that’s the dilemma I’m in. I want WS to know, I don’t want him back as a husband, I don’t trust and never will, I see him differently. But I want to keep the life I have, I want my kids everyday! we are currently doing IHS, texting about kids and not much interactions besides kids. He does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, set up the spare bedroom for himself and I have stopped communication regarding A, R, or D. He does occasionally ask how I’m doing, feeling, apologizes and wants a chance but immediately tell him I don’t want to talk about it and he stops. Another lawyer recommended a post nuptial agreement if I don’t D now, granting me assets/properties.
Is this even possible? to choose to live as coparents and not have a marriage. Am I delusional, being unrealistic, or dangerous situation.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, March 4th, 2026
What is healing?
I read it and see it over and over. As a betrayed spouse, work on your healing, take your time to heal etc. what exactly does that mean? I’m over 2 weeks DDay and I’m reading here, journaling, praying and thinking and trying to focus on myself and of course my kids. What is real healing? And not just coping. Any insight would be appreciated.
13 comments posted: Saturday, February 7th, 2026
Should I give myself a deadline
DDAY of second affair(10 years apart) was a few days ago, posted in just found out a quick story. First time posting on here because I don’t see myself ever fully trusting him again. So I currently feel separation/divorce is what makes sense for me. My main worry is about the effects on my two young children. That is my fear. I don’t fear financial, even though I don’t have job. I don’t fear criticism or lack of support, nor being alone. I understand and have seen divorce through almost all of my immediate family. I always thought he was "almost" the perfect husband except for the first affair and now second. Everything else is was great and I believe that’s why I chose reconciliation the first time. Now, second time around he’s apologetic, remorseful and wants to reconcile like we did 10 years ago, he is doing as I say and ask and we are being cordial when kids are home. He told me today actually, take my time and not to worry about finances, which i never did, I guess just reassured me he wouldn’t cut me off. He said he continue to provide and keep the home peaceful for our kids, whether I decide to reconcile or divorce. His concern seems to be our kids well being first and hopes for reconciliation 2nd.
But I don’t feel or see reconciliation. Now with only a few days to process, I am questioning, how long do I take to decide? I’m impatient person lol I like things resolved and don’t like being uneasy. I know I should take my time, plan and be sure before saying something. But should I give myself a deadline to have a decision by? How long did you take to decide?
24 comments posted: Tuesday, January 27th, 2026
Back again
Back again,
Husband had 1 night stand in 2016 while I was pregnant with our 2nd and last child. I caught him, he admitted and cut ties immediately. Ended up reconciling in what I believed was the right way to recovery. Joint professional counseling, church counseling, retreats, books etc. A few days ago, 10 years post affair #1, I asked to see his phone because of red flags I’d been noticing and my gut feeling. He didn’t allow it at first but then said ok. Discovered text messages with female, he text things like I miss you a lot, I wish I was with you etc. As of now he’s claiming it’s a texting relationship with a female he met at the gym. So far no admission to sex or face to face meeting, since that gym closed last summer. But admitted to sexting and wanting to have sex with her but it hadnt come to fulfillment.
I am currently disappointed, probably some shock, not surprised though and still don’t believe I’m getting full story. I don’t feel distraught like the first affair. I didn’t cry much, all I could think of was our 2 kids (under 13years) and how a separation/divorce will affect them. He’s apologizing and asking for forgiveness…etc. I honestly feel like he’s not my husband and I’m seeing him like a person who just lost everything like a loser. Again, these last few days, I haven’t thought about him, his feelings or even cared if he’s still talking to her. I’m thinking about how I can protect my kids. I’m sure my feelings will be changing as I process or he may release more info on this affair, but I don’t care. I just feel like I don’t want him anymore. I’m just taking my time to think as I am a overthinker! Thanks for reading
18 comments posted: Tuesday, January 27th, 2026
Boundary crossed
Married 15 years with kids, I’ve been clear about boundaries in marriage, one of which was no exchange of cell phone to female coworkers or have female coworker friends. He does have some female coworkers in his phone, who I personally know and it’s supervises that he may need to call if he’s calling off etc.
Went through his phone, didn’t recognize name, in text messages,
women asked how are you guys doing?
He replied, better, it was hard time she was always nagging and in a bad mood and I just didn’t know what was going on.
She replied, yeah I’ve gone through the same with my husband, good you guys are better.
He replied, thank you.
No other messages
Confronted him, he said it was a coworker who he confided in a few months ago when he and I were going through a rough patch that last 1.5months of arguments. I explained how I felt betrayed, upset and many other feelings that not only did he hide this communication with her, he crossed a specific boundary, and was basically trash talking about me in a difficult time in our marriage.
He apologized and said he knew it was wrong so messages were deleted, but really needed to vent. There was no other relationship with her, and it was mostly about the hard path we went through, not many other conversations with this female.
I’m turned off, feel disrespected, told him he lost his trust, he has poor decision making and that this is not what I want to be going through at this point in our lives. I don’t need betrayal and unease, he’s continuing to apologize and assure me nothing happens aside from those texts and how he doesn’t want to loose me or break up the family. He’s also giving me time as I said I needed time to process this.
3 comments posted: Thursday, February 27th, 2025
