My BH does not want to know

Hello. After a 14 year on and off again affair, I believe I have finally gotten my head out of my ass. I had confessed once before at the 2 year mark, and BH forgave me. I did NC for a year or so but then the backsliding started about 6 moths later. Sometimes an emotional affair. Sometimes more. Most of it on our phones and not in person, but I know it does not matter. It is still wrong. There have been periods of weeks, months or even years in between depending on the break. The triggers range from all of my own undealt with BS and cowardice, to my BH's addictions (which justify NOTHING on my part but do serve as a trigger.)

After my BH found a suspicious text a month ago, I decided to go back to the one therapist who had started to help me to get to the root of my behavior. I successfully began NC right then and there. It has been about a month. Blocked everywhere. Seeing my therapist. Leaning on friends. Journaling. Trying to unpack why and how I allowed this into our life, and what I can do moving forward to repair what I can and to live as a decent person. I do know it starts with honesty and courage and no excuses on my part.

Here is the dilemma I am wrestling with right now: My BH does not know that *I know he saw my phone. He is acting like nothing happened. My instinct is to bust it all open and talk but I don't know if this is the right thing to do because he is so avoidant about it, and obviously my instincts and impulses have failed me in the past or we would not be going through this problem I caused in the first place.

I could just come right out and say "I believe you saw my phone, and I would like to talk about what you saw." But is this cruel? Am I making it about what I want and need instead of what is right for him? He does not want to talk about it and says he does not know what I am talking about when I begin to talk about it. He says he trusts me. He says "Everything is fine." But is is clearly not. So we are playing this game. He wants no specifics. Maybe he just wants to move forward or deny it all to himself, but the hurt in his eyes makes it clear that he is struggling. He is survival mode. Rightfully, he does not trust me and could possibly be afraid I will just lie, which is worse for him than slogging through it. I don't know. I am just guessing here.

If I maintain NC, if I continue to work in therapy, and if I focus my marriage and on be the wife I should have been all along is this enough, or is this also selfish? Those things are what I am choosing to do regardless of whether we talk about things in detail. That is the only thing I am sure of right now now. In the mean time, it feels like there is this boulder between us, but when I go to even broach the subject he just shuts down. Has anyone been through this? What is the right thing to do?

2 comments posted: Saturday, July 26th, 2025