Coming up to 5 years - reflections and questions
I'm approaching the 5 year mark since all this began and although I've not been here in a while, I wanted to chat and talk if anyone's around.
Where we are at
WS and I are happy and have been consistently for a while now. The marriage is objectively pretty fantastic and we're in love, committed, best friends.
Me
I struggled so much through this, the pain was so much worse than I'd imagined it ever could be, but I got better in time. He was incredibly patient and loving, albeit it was far from easy but he just kept repeating that he wasn't going anywhere and in time it subsided. I have long stretches now where I don't think about it. I have times where I think about it and it doesn't hurt much. Rarely, but sometimes, I have short periods where I think about it and its agony all over again.
Him
He's a different person to before the A. There really is nothing I don't love about our marriage now and part of me knows the A was part of the reason he became a fantastic husband. He hates what he did and wishes it had never happened, but he's also grateful we are together and is a person who tries every day to be the best possible person he can. I feel really proud to be his wife.
That's all the good news. But there are things I wonder.
Is it bad that there's parts of his behaviour he was never able to explain? All he has is "I wasn't in my right mind".
Is it bad that our R was a total shit show for a long time and that he caused me lots of additional damage by not waking up to it sooner?
Is it bad that we almost never talk about it?
Is it normal that there are certain parts of it that haunt me?
It is normal to feel grief like you lost something important even if you can't easily explain what it is?
I am not sure "normal" is the right word, but I read these forums for so long and the WSs here seem so switched on.
My WSs focus wasn't much on deep self analysis, but more on loving me as much as possible, demonstrating it in every way, and changing himself so the behaviour and characteristics that contributed to this were permanently killed off.
He decided he didn't want to be a person like that, so he stopped being it. And he's much happier and our marriage is much deeper and stronger.
I'd love to know what people think.
7 comments posted: Sunday, July 20th, 2025
What do BSs really want?
I know I'm crazy posting lately but I think I'm at a crux of deciding to stay or give up and the insights from you all really help me with ny thoughts.
My WS has realised I'm about ready to leave and frustratingly done more to help me feel better in the last two weeks than he did in the 18 months before that.
I find myself just feeling deflated that he didn't do it earlier. Although I think maybe he couldn't have.
He keeps asking me what I want from him and my problem is that I have no idea.
There's a post on here about what all WSs need to know, and what I wish is that he'd done ALL of that right after Dday instead of everything being a nobody battle.
Blocking the AP
Reading HTHYSHFRA and acting on it
Selflessly providing support
He really wasn't any good at doing any of it. Then we just spiralled into a situation of him drowning in self loathing and feeling like a bad person / like I didn't love him anymore.
Now he's STARTING to get it, aand we've finally had conversations that have helped a lot, but it feels in a sense too late. But there's also still so much love there.
He's asking me what I want and I don't know how to answer.
For those who had a really bad start to R, what does it take to repair all the damage? Especially if your spouse (or you as the WS) took a long time to even begin?
The idea of reading those books or going to MC now just feels exhausting.
53 comments posted: Tuesday, October 11th, 2022
I've asked for a divorce
I've been furiously on the boards the last couple of weeks whilst the marriage circled the drains.
We are on our dream vacation together. I cried for three days solid before we left on the plane, because I didn't want to go. I think I knew it was over.
After arriving we fought. The usual stuff. Me having needs, him getting defensive, contempt, screaming. I ended up checking into a different hotel.
Now we are staying in a beachside villa and I've spent the day alone whilst he furiously texted me that he missed me, he's sorry, and please can we go back to "us" because all the instability is killing him.
He's done none of the work.
None.
He broke no contact with AP dozens of times. He screwed her twice during R after fights with me. He refused counselling. He refused to read books and act on them.
When he was finally done, he quit his job and moved to be with me. Then did nothing but complain about the way he had to downgrade his life from the great time he was having during the affair.
I know how bad it is.
He's made me food every day. He tells me I'm pretty. He says he loves me constantly. He'd stay up all night if I was sick or crying.
So it was enough for a long time to make me forget the R was not real R. That he hadn't gotten it.
So I've asked for a divorce now. Which will be easy. 50/50 split of assets. No home. No kids. No shared life really.
I'm feeling all sorts of things right now.
Anger is gone and instead there's a lot of grief for me. For the suffering and losses I've incurred. For how bring traumatised made me screw up my thesis I'd worked a decade for.
I'm sad for the dreams I had, and for how easily he tossed those aside to get a bit of... what? Drunken sex? Attention? Ego boost?
I'll never know really because he didn't go to IC in order to get those whys.
I can't think that I'll regret this decision. I feel calm inside that it's the right one.
There's just a lot of sadness that this is the life I got because of his shitty choices.
I was so young, so innocent, so full of optimism and so selfless through all of this.
I have what's been taken from me.
I wonder what the road is now?
20 comments posted: Monday, October 10th, 2022
Two years out, deep grief
I'm two years out. Probably a year into "real" reconciliation.
Over time, I've not healed. We have not healed.
He never did "the work".
He wants old us back. He grieves that. He cries and says he wishes I would look at him like I used to.
He never did "the work" though. He still says he hasn't got a full explanation for some of it.
There are good days and bad days but mostly I feel like we are both just sad people now.
13 comments posted: Wednesday, September 28th, 2022
