Found out 2 weeks ago

I found out 2 weeks ago my wife of almost 30years had an affair 14 years ago. She worked at our church and it was with the so called pastor. It was kissing,touching and oral like it really makes a difference. It lasted 5 months. I found out by asking if she ever cheated last week because she lost a bunch of weight after surgery and is smoking hot. Of course I was reading about it and in one article it said a certain percentage of people cheat after weight loss surgery. So I asked and at first she said just a kiss and I said was that all. And then she came clean. It took me a few times asking who. And finally she told me. She told me she had an inappropriate dream about him and went in to tell him she couldn't work there anymore. He reassured her it was normal and not to worry. In my mind that was an opportunity for him to start a plan. So she went on working and they started to flirt and she needed a friend because I at the time was a total dick. I had anger issues not very nice and not pleasant to be around. But I never laid a finger on her or stepped out of marriage. I had multiple chances to but stayed faithful. So one thing led to another. And one day the met in a doorway and kissed. And from then they messed around for 5 months and never had 'sex' but did the touching and oral on each other. After this all came out I was devastated and angry. I gave it a few hours and couldn't take it anymore. I messaged him telling him I know everything and I'm going to message your wife. I did message his wife. After a while I get a phone call from him and his wife. I told him I didn't want to talk to him only his wife. We talked and she just found out when I messaged her and he still said it was only a few times. But eventually he came clean. I was still furious and I told him I was going to beat his ass. His wife begged me not to. I told him we can meet up or I'm coming on Sunday morning. He agreed to meet up. I haven't met him yet. And don't know if I want to. Im not the same hateful person I was 14years ago and neither is she. I have become the husband she has always wanted in those years. We are working on our relationship my wife and I but I needed to vent and ask a few questions. Does it get better? Right now my mind is playing images of them together. Im hurt. Does the anger go away? Would it make me feel better to just beat his ass? Did anyone else start comparing themselves to the person that there spouse cheated with? Like "was he better at certain things was he bigger than me it just stuff like this eats at me" she has been up front and honest and answered all my questions even if they hurt to know. She said I was better and more than him it was mostly i wasn't a friend i wasn't there emotionally. And that hurts and makes me feel it was all my fault. Is it helpful to know all the details of the affair? I asked a few and it stung. We are going to get counseling. But not sure how this all works for being so long ago. Or should I just let it go because it was so long ago. Im just confused and angry

16 comments posted: Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025