SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

icangetpastthis and others,

I hope you are doing well.

I'm going to say why I think this is an escalation with an abusive person and not a pitiful joker or a lazy person who is simply coasting. First, I should say that I've never been in a partner relationship with an abusive person. Maybe I don't know enough to determine anything. Also, I fully understand that abusive domestic relationships are not exclusively male on female violence. And again, I don't think Bigger meant anything other than a joke or any harmful intention.

Why is he even here then? He should have left years ago. Would I stay with him all these years if I didn't love him? No. I would not. I would have worked out a plan, told him before or after I left - and then LEFT.

This makes sense to me. It probably makes sense to many or most people in relationships. It's a healthy attitude, I think. Ok, but that's not your WX. What's up with him? Is he lazy and taking advantage?

While it does go on I have to live with him - he won't leave. Even though he was awarded a large sum from my account in the divorce proceedings. My WX shows me in words, looks, actions every day that he doesn't care about me. I don't understand how this can be happening after my whole adult life being in love with him and working so hard every day to benefit him and our children. Why is this happening to me. Why can't I change it. Why does it take so long.

There's this. Again, you could argue he's taking advantage and merely lazy.

The escalation (which I won't quote) is that he's NOW, at the time he's forced to move out, increasingly angry and jealous and accusatory toward you.

He's accused you of dating. Why should he care? What does that mean? He's losing control of you. He feels entitled to what you provide, even as his former wife. He feels entitled to living there in that house and to the care for the house and him you have provided. Another person coming involved would interrupt that for him.

He's accusing you of hiding money in the divorce. That's theft. You have had a settlement and been divorced for a while. He seemed ok with that. He's accusing YOU, and accusing you NOW, of theft. He's not angry at the judge, or the courts, or your attorneys, or his attorneys. He's not angry at society. He's angry at you. He's directly accusing you of stealing from him. He feels entitled to you.

I am reminded of Scooby or ScoobyDoo? here several years ago. Her husband came on and claimed that she was his and we could all go to hell if we thought differently. It ended with violence.

There's a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men?" by Lundy Bancroft. You have mentioned that your husband alienated other family with his anger and controlling tendencies. The author person has a long history of working with domestic abusers.

Again, I'm not saying that only men are abusive. But yeah, I guess I am aware that my husband weighs 100 lb+ more than me, and that he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to do so. I don't feel like

a poor, defenseless woman

; but yes, I am aware of the difference between us.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 9:25 PM, Monday, April 13th]

@Bigger

Note to self: Never make a light-hearted suggestion – even if prefaced and ended with a note about it being a bit of fun… grin

Brother, it was really funny and is good to put some light hearted fun in the gloomy moments.

I am real ass when writing here, sound too serious because we miss the personal touch, but I think everyone got and appreciated your post

Besides that, I would totally pay to see her pull that off and just see the look on his face. You know just how hard that would hit the guy, he’s not going to recover anytime soon.

But only if we stand both there as her bodyguards in case he loses it and starts some shit!

Again, I'm not saying that only men are abusive. But yeah, I guess I am aware that my husband weighs 100 lb+ more than me, and that he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to do so. I don't feel like

Kitchen, both can be abusive, cheating is already a way worse abuse. Physical abuse can get you killed or seriously injured, as we all know, while my wayward few instances of physical violence have hurt way less than the betrayals, and are inexcusable too, they stem from the same roots.

If they cheated and never resolved their issues, there is no guarantee they would not snap.

And while it is unpleasant being a big guy hit by a smaller woman, I would hate to see the opposite. So yes not being defenseless is also not putting yourself in danger way in the first place.

That’s strength, not just muscle

BackfromtheStorm,

My brother in infidelity, I am sorry for the pain that your wife has put you through. I truly am. But bro...

cheating is already a way worse abuse.

I hope you are not saying that getting beat up or killed by your partner is better than having them cheat on you. I would rather be me than the woman in Hawaii whose husband is on trial for trying to kill her with a rock and a syringe full of something while hiking. She cheated apparently. I would rather be me than the woman missing in the Bahamas. Anyone who has ever been sailing or on a dinghy in that part of the Abacos knows her husband killed her.

I'm aware that English isn't your first language and willing to give you a break. Maybe that is how you actually do feel. I believe that is enough of the internet for me for a while.