SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We don't know how or when it happened, but a routine doctor's visit with an EKG and a followup second test are showing that WS had a "silent heart attack" at some point. He is 53 and hasn't been in great health for the past few years. He started drinking alcohol daily about 6 months into his LTA and didn't slow down for about 2 years, until close to dday1. He dealt with sleep apnea for many years until he finally got a CPAP about 1.5 years ago. He's been dealing with high BP for even longer and is taking meds for that.

I've been seriously thinking of asking him for a divorce next month, after some school and family stuff are out of the way. Now I'm having second thoughts. He won't be able to see a cardiologist or get a stress test until mid-July, and even then, it's not like they'll be able to deal with blockages (the most likely culprit) right away.

Both WS and I are only children. He has no family nearby other than his mom, who isn't mobile due to a broken hip. I'm starting to wonder if it would be wrong of me to create more stress in his life with a divorce. At the very least, I have to be his support if he has to go in for surgery. But the other side of the coin is that he keeps looking to me for emotional and physical comfort, and I don't even like hugs and kisses anymore. I don't love him, and he knows it. He is constantly giving me "sad puppy" eyes. I'm sure that creates its own stress.

Is it healthier to end the marriage now so we can both move on, or is it better to wait until his health is less precarious?

I don't mean to sound cold, but there's never going to be a perfect time to file, and it's likely to get worse from here. He has a history of heart problems, a history of poor health choices, and very little incentive to change his ways if he gets the idea that illness is the key to keeping you around. Age is also going to take its toll. If you feel ambiguous about leaving him now, how will you leave if he has a stroke and needs constant care?

Your WH killed your marriage quite deliberately, with no concern about the impact on your physical and mental health while he was doing it. This divorce, and any sad but predictable negative consequences to him that may arise from it, are on him, not you. It's time to put yourself first.

Are you willing to give up your separate apartment during the week and move back in with him to be his caregiver?

If he's upset because you're not giving him the affection and emotional comfort that he wants as a wife now, how much more distress is it going to cause him if you're resentful because you can't leave him?

My sister-in-law's husband had a number of affairs over the years. They were this close to getting a divorce, but she just couldn't quite do it.

Then, about 7 years ago, he had a stroke at age 58. It left him physically handicapped, unable to speak without slurring, and with some mental issues.

Now she spends her days changing his diapers and is tethered to him until he dies, which will be who knows when. He drinks like a fish and makes her life miserable.

This could very likely be you.

I'm starting to wonder if it would be wrong of me to create more stress in his life with a divorce.

Buy him a meditation app.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 3:17 AM, Friday, June 6th]

As someone whose SAWH's repeat infidelities over 12-20 years, coupled with his cluelessness about what it would take to fix the M, eventually wore my heart out to the point where I am now facing cardiac surgery and a fistful of heart drugs, may I just say: this isn't your responsibility?

My advice is to "Get the heck out ASAP, as his chickens are coming home to roost and your future isn't going to look too good for you, if you and he buy into the idea that you should be his caregiver!" What?! (Heck, I wish someone would have been MY 'caregiver' all along, instead of continuing to dish out the garbage that led to my years of stress and HBP!)

No. Sympathy. Save Thyself!

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:34 AM, Friday, June 6th]

He has made choices that led him to where he is. Don’t let him drag you down with him.

Get free of his chaos and drama. Take care of you.

Wow, y'all. Unanimous vote here. Message received. :)

It's hard not to feel bad for him because the lack of family support is not his fault (that's his mom's doing-she isolated herself and him long ago and moved far away from everyone). I get that I could be signing myself up for worse, though I will never be his nursemaid because I can't physically do it. I plan to enter assisted living as soon as I hit 55. He can do the same if necessary. The most I can do is drive him around.

I was wondering about postponing the D because I'm afraid it might do more damage to his heart. Presumably after he sees the cardiologist, we'll know more, but that's at least a couple months out, and I'm also trying to be considerate of our teen's school schedule. I'm hoping she can have summer break to get through the worst impact of the news. I'm probably over thinking this and trying to control the outcome, eh?

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 6:12 AM, Friday, June 6th]

Posting as medical professional.
Do NOT hold off on healing yourself due to his issues.
Next stress test if abnormal will lead to cardiac cath with possible intervention there which is an outpatient procedure. Stents and so forth typically are safe and creates immediate fix to any narrowed vessels.
My H actually just had a 3rd stent to a widowmaker lesion that first happened 2 weeks after his 40th bday. He has been extremely lucky with no severe damage. His heart disease is not typical plaques the first event was triggered by what is called a plaque eruption from lifiting too heavy of an item.
But I would encourage you to start planning and let things fall as they may. You can be a support but also make yourself a priority.

I sympathize with your H, and I understand your reluctance to add to his stress.

My vote, too, is 'split - the sooner, the better.' He has dug his hole, and he is not digging himself out of it. He needs to care more about himself than you do. You are not responsible for the damage his infidelity has done to him, and you can't cure him of the damage he's done to himself. In fact, D may be the best thing you can do for him - it may wake him up enough to make himself healthier.

While I cannot put myself in your exact position of being a potential caregiver-I do agree that you have every right to take care of yourself first, he wasn’t concerned at all about your health when he was cheating, etc. etc.

The strength to live separately a few months ago seems to be working well for you, I would not take the steps backward.