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I was here 21 years ago, hung around for a couple of years, and thought I had come to terms with everything. But now I'm triggering again and falling apart. My WH has become good friends with a single female neighbor and they text a lot, mostly about things he's helping her with like lawnmowers and cars and home maintenance. I don't know if this is what has started all my mind games again. I wish I had divorced my WH 20 years ago. I can't stop thinking about his multiple affairs and flirtations during our 50 years of marriage. I think I still love him, but sometimes I hate him! I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm 69 years old now, too old and sick to leave. What is wrong with me?? Will I ever get over this?

My WH has become good friends with a single female neighbor and they text a lot

No wonder you're triggered! There's no expiration date on trauma or triggers, unfortunately.

Have you tried talking to him about this? If he's truly remorseful, he should recognize that he's eroding boundaries and that your pain is valid. Also, is there no one else this neighbor can go to for help? I don't blame you for being suspicious. I would too in your shoes.

I have talked to him about the situation, and of course, he says "She's just a friend"! This has been going on for 14 months, sometimes 50-60 texts per day. We live on a little country road and he has to pass her house to get anywhere, so it's really convenient to stop on his way out or on his way home from anywhere. It has gotten to the point now where she will text him just to say, "Boy, you are keeping the roads hot today", or "Have you mowed yet or are you going to wait until after the rain?", just anything she can think of to send a text! He sees nothing wrong with it!

Nothing wrong with you at all. There is something wrong with your husband. He needs external validation because of something lacking in him. A lot of times ws do not believe it from their spouse because they believe themselves they are not great and the spouse has been around to know it too. So we tend to seek it in people we do not know and pretend to be someone we re not to keep impressing them to keep getting the attention.

Honestly, I would say "listen, you cheated on me before, and I will not go through this again. I am your wife, this situation feels and looks like at least an emotional affair, and at this point our marriage isn’t sustainable if this continues."

If he is your husband it’s not unreasonable to ask him to show you where his loyalties lie. If he won’t get out of this situation when he knows it hurts you, it’s certifiably at least an emotional affair.

You are 100 percent with your rights to be upset about this. I wouldn’t put up with it a minute longer.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:17 PM, Friday, June 6th]

There's nothing wrong with you. I would have alarm Bells going off as well. The words, "She's just a friend!" make me wince.

Now, I'm not saying that anything is going on for sure, but given your history I really don't blame you for questioning this at all, and he should understand.

But now I'm rehashing the affair from 21 years ago, and the affair from 44 years ago, and all the suspected affairs throughout our 50+ years together. I'm reliving everything and I really can't stop blaming myself for not leaving 21 years ago. If I had left back then, I could have had a chance at a new life. Now I'm sick and old and I need his help to live, and he knows that. Sometimes I want to attack him with a baseball bat! I can't stop the flashbacks and the replays. I just keep thinking "If only I'd had enough courage to leave the first time, or the second time". Some days I just want out!!

I'm so sorry. I'm going through some crap right now, too, but my situation is still pretty fresh. Needless to say I know what you're going through with rehashing, flashbacks, and replays. I really do. This situation is a major trigger for you, as it would be for anyone. There's nothing wrong with you. These situations are so hard and it's not fair at all.

I will tell you that affairs are traumatic events. Each time the same trauma happens it compounds it. So of course seeing what is happening right in front of your face, and having your feelings completely disregarded, is an emotionally unsafe feeling that you are looking to have validated.

His lack of that validation means that you go into a mode of fight or flight more quickly because that trauma is still stored in your body. There is a great book called "the body keeps score" and it gets far deeper and better at explaining it than I ever could.

If he is taking advantage of his dependence on him while having an emotional affair right in front of your face, then he has not grown or learned anything.

I still would consider saying to him something to the effect that I said, and if he dismisses it he is in the middle of an addictive behavior. Which has been caused because he is having an affair. It’s normal that this would be triggering you in past responses. If you have to follow through, it may be scary and seem Impossible but you can figure it out. If he is caring for you due to health issues, you are entitled to half of the marital assets, there are programs that may be able to help if care can not be bought. You also may qualify for SSI or other things.

I am not sure what it means to you when you say you need him to live. But if you were in a better position 21 years ago, it’s natural to wish you did it when you were younger and things would have been less complicated

Is therapy an option for you? I think it might be helpful to sort this out with talk therpy. But I do not think there is anything wrong with you at all. Your husband is not protecting you here- you will be forced to protect yourself.

I would also advise that sometimes when confronted they will work harder to hide it as well. Listen to your gut.