SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello SI,
It's been 10 years after D-Day; things are not great between BW and I. Which is to be expected after betrayal, this is still my fault, not hers. I went on a business trip recently. This trip was different, there was a female co-worker who was traveling with us. I remembered my promise after D-day, no traveling with women, specifically by myself. I travel with guys 99% of the time, so business trips are normally no problem. This trip was supposed to be me, one other guy, and the female co-worker. The guy had to back out of the trip due to a death in the family. This potentially left me alone with the female co-worker on a business trip. I informed my BW and then immediately invited another male co-worker, who had nothing to do with the project. It cost my project about $5000, but keeps the promise I made intact. It would seem unprofessional to kick the female co-worker off the trip since they worked hard and provided input, and I had to attend since I was presenting at the meeting.

The trip was uneventful, I had to ride in the car one morning with said female co-worker, since then other guy had to run an errand. I was driving, female co-worker complained about my driving, and I said please drive with so&so tomorrow morning then. I used to get along professionally with said female co-worker, now I find her annoying after going on a trip together. I will not travel again with said female for the foreseeable future.

This post is mostly for wayward husbands; 10 years out, do you still monitor yourself and limit interactions with women? Could this be viewed as positive reconciliation post, or was this post better served in the wayward forum?

I still read, mostly lurk in SI these days.
Thank you for your time.
2tu.

I'm not clear what your position is at this company or if this a business you own, but I assume that (since you have can include someone on the trip who had nothing to do with the project) that you're in some high-level position of authority.

The reason that I bring this up is that, not only would it have been unprofessional to kick this woman off the trip, it could've been seen (at least in the US) as hindering her professional development/ability to advance because she's a woman. You also need to take into account that being rude with her (ie, telling her to ride with someone else because she said your driving made her nervous) or refusing to travel with her could be construed the same way. You really need to be careful.

I know at my company, there was a discussion about whether we wanted to include women in a client-facing role in a company that was based in the Middle East and the response from HR and our legal team was that we couldn't just exclude women from important accounts because the client might be bigoted against women.

Now as for your main question, even if you had never cheated on your wife, you still need to be mindful of your boundaries and avoid situations that might compromise you. But the reality is that you can't outright avoid half of the population for the rest of your life. If your wife doesn't feel secure enough in your relationship 10 years post Dday, then that's a whole other problem.

More importantly, you shouldn't put rules in place for yourself or make promises to your wife that are unrealistic. That's just setting yourself up for failure.

How does your wife feel about this?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:43 PM, Friday, June 20th]

Bluerthanblue,

The female coworker worked very hard and absolutely deserves to be recognized for her efforts. That’s why she’s on the trip. I’m not trying to exclude half the population. This is the first time in over nine years where there’s actually a female coworker. I went on a trip where it potentially could’ve just made me and her. I’ve been lucky.

I spoke with my BW and told her about it and she said OK. I reminded her of my promise to always mention if I was traveling with a female coworker so I was just keeping my promise.

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by 2timesunfaithful at 12:01 PM, Sunday, June 22nd]

What I notice about your post is you describing all the things you did to mitigate the situation. I am wondering if you had asked your BS first about how SHE would want it all handled. You used the word, "informed". I am wondering how much she felt invited to participate in the solution.

Affairs are all about power dynamics. You made a choice in the past, something that profoundly affected her life without her knowledge or agreement. You took away her agency.

Now years later a situation came up again. It was the perfect opportunity to switch that dynamic and give her the gift of control. I hope you took that opportunity.

"A problem came up and I fixed it and now I'm telling you about it" is not going to give a BS the warm fuzzies. It's going to put them right back into how it felt to learn that something once happened behind our back. We are not relieved. We are reminded -- of that time we got an unpleasant surprise that turned our life upside-down.

If you "solved" your situation without including BS first, I can absolutely see a clear source of tension.

If this doesn't apply, please reject. It may help another reader one day.

You may or should consider attending a driving school

Getting ticked off at someone who chastised you for your "driving skill" is an indicator you are less than perfect in your execution of operating a motor vehicle.