SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm pathetic aren't I?

Not at all, in any way.

You’re dealing with the fallout of something you neither expected or asked for.

I still appreciate the car wreck metaphor my IC offered up. If you were blindsided in a car wreck, that’s none of your fault, you are still going to spend months and years recovering from the physical injuries. Infidelity is the emotional trauma equivalent of the blind sided car wreck. In that sense, you are simply assessing ALL options, as you should, and you’re trying to heal a tiny bit each day at the SAME time.

Two years into my R, I looked at my wife and told her love or loyalty or whatever it was I clinging to wasn’t going to be enough to save the M. The weird thing is, after I decided I didn’t need my M, that’s when I tried to see what it would look like if I chose to stay.

Infidelity is always a dealbreaker, every time.

It’s what we decide we want and need after the deal is broken.

I picked a new deal and got what I wanted. However, in another thread in the forum, titled ‘when you know, you know’ regarding another member moving on from M. It’s a healthy step and not a failure.

If you are done, there is zero shame in that.

I think the key for me was knowing for sure I wouldn’t have any regrets, regardless of my choice.

I generally don’t ever suggest people stay or go, because only you know you and your situation best.

I can say, since you mentioned the potential of future resentment — as in, if you will only ever resent him for his poor choices (and again, none of that is on you) — then it really sounds like you are moving toward being done.

I think resentment eventually kills any relationship and especially after infidelity.

The only way I see R working is if the WS owns their choices, owns their self-repair AND the BS is able to still see and focus on the good in the person.

And that’s a tall order, since you live with the biggest trigger who caused this trauma.

I also struggled looking at old photos for a while, but then I realized I loved my family the best I could with the information I had at the time.

Ultimately, in response to your first post, I would say your primary mission is to heal. That’s the mission you do not want to fail.

You have no responsibility to save what you did NOT break. Blindsided, emotional car wreck of infidelity is on the person who wrecked it.

Find the best way to heal, and that’s your path forward.

The rest of life will work itself out around what will offer you the greatest chance to be happier.

First off you are not emotionally immature if you decide not to reconcile. It just means that the acts of your WS caused too much damage and oftentimes it is too little too late even if they do change their behavior. Even if my xWS had been remorseful or not a raving narcissist, what he did over the term of our M was too much for me to overcome and was a complete dealbreaker. I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never love him or respect him again and I was hanging onto a M that I wasn't going to put more work into. I knew I no longer wanted to be with my xWS and when you know you know. There is no shame in that. He caused the situation, you do not own any part of this. Not even a D if that's what you decide. A divorce is just a business decision to end a M and it's done when you feel done and that is ok.

BSR - how did you manage the guilt? I have been so triggered by our kids birthdays, fathers day and looking at photos knowing he was betraying me then and in the years following by lying.

At first the guilt was debilitating. I was raised in an environment where you either deflected responsibility for your transgressions or hated yourself for your failures. My father would throw dramatic temper tantrums directed at himself if he lost his keys. Woe betide you if there was a way for him to blame *you* for the lost keys. I developed a strong ability to rewrite history and shut down if my narrative was challenged. I don't mean "shut down" as in I became sullen and uncommunicative; I mean I'd fall asleep mid-conversation as my subconscious tried to take me out of the path of danger. As you can imagine, that came across as a lack of effort.

As I started to let go of control, and recognized the level of damage that trickle truth was doing to my husband, guilt became useful. It helped me to remain patient and recognize the massive lift my husband was making on his end. Guilt in this phase subsidized my efforts to repay a debt that's not repayable. BTW, I think guilt is different from shame. Shame turns the blade in your own hand, and it's hard to support your spouse if you're bleeding out yourself. Guilt allows you to focus on your partner instead of wallowing in self hate.

Eventually, I moved past the sense of guilt as a dominant factor in how I viewed myself and my marriage. I don't believe it's healthy for either partner to live in that state forever. In some ways, I will never forgive myself, but in others, I have self compassion. I'll also point out that I'm a madhatter, and my BH was the one who cheated first. His infraction was far less dramatic and extensive than mine, but he did literally the same thing I had done: tried to confess, chickened out, and minimized. He was prepared to let me spend my entire college career in a long distance relationship with him, not knowing he had cheated. When I made my initial confession, he came fully clean in the belief that my greater offense cancelled out his. It doesn't really work that way, though. Eventually, I needed my time in the betrayed spouse role, with him supporting my right to understand and process.

BSR - my WH has literally fallen asleep when I've spoke to him! It has set my rage on fire! He says he gets all panicky and needs to escape and whilst he can talk about it calmly if I bring up stuff that shames him he has to get out the room it's like it just has to run which just makes me furious! I never thought falling asleep was a kind of coping strategy

I thought it was just me until one time I posted about it, and another WW wrote back in passionate relief that someone else had had the same experience. It's like being drugged. The cornered brain just turns down the lights.

Of course, it's extremely challenging because there are always opportunists who will read something like that and add it to their bag of tricks and lies. The same is true of my memory. I had to fight against a subconscious that desperately wanted to protect me by "helping" me block out things I didn't want to confront or admit. There have been a few WS here whose claims of poor memory had a ring of authenticity, but I'm as aware as anyone that it can be awfully convenient to forget incriminating details.

Oldwounds - I think to be honest I just want a break to heal but feel pressure to fix the marriage. My counsellor regularly tells me to make sure I nurture the marriage and don't get complacent and that my husband may reach his limit with me if I keep shaming him (I don't call him names but can't help talking about his lack of morals and the damage he has done to our family).
I'm finding it exhausting trying to be affectionate with him, finish my dissertation, look after the kids, go counselling, manage life and deal with the grief.
I'm at breaking point.
However, I am still worried I will regret ending things ..my husband was stupid, immature, selfish and a bad husband BUT he has good qualities too and has been kind, generous, supportive and my placement of safety for many years. It just seems he wasn't emotionally mature enough for marriage and kids and is now he is in his 40s but the damage is done.

I’m sorry you are struggling. BTDT.

I don’t know if this will help you.

What would you tell your daughter or BFF in this situation?

Divorce is NOT a sign of failure IMO. In fact it’s the opposite. It takes courage and strength to admit this marriage no longer works and walk away. It takes courage to foresee a future that is better than where you are right now.

I often say I only recommend Reconciliation IF you will be happy and love the cheater. You can love someone but not be happy in the marriage - and I’d not suggest Reconciliation.

You get one life. And you deserve to be happy and live a life that gives you joy and contentment. Peace. Fulfillment.

It’s ok to divorce or Reconcile or separate. You don’t have to decide now. But just know if you attempt Reconciliation it is not a permanent solution. You can change your mind at any time.

Ist wife...I just hate this uncertainty and I fear divorce and fear staying and feeling this way forever. My childhood trauma led to overthinking and OCD and I particularly focus on morality and get caught in thought loops...I'm exploring EMDR to see if this can help as I keep trying to 'think my way out of feeling'.

As far as your husband is concerned, your childhood trauma and fear is a feature, not a bug. I think he picked you because disorder was "normal" for you and that you needed love and reassurance so badly that you would put up with pretty much anything to keep your relationship and family intact.

You mention that you didn’t feel loved until 5 years ago. You also said that you’ve struggled with anxiety.

You think this means that there is a problem with you. There isn’t! You didn’t feel loved because you weren’t loved. You didn’t feel secure because you weren’t safe in your relationship.

You just didn’t know why.

Blue - I think he did love me in the beginning but within 2 years we had a miscarriage, moved house, got engaged and had twins and the 23 year old girl he fell in love become a mum and life got difficult very quickly. We didn't ever even have a holiday alone before we had kids and the kids came on our honeymoon. I think he then struggled with the sudden change in his life. He didn't want a third baby, I did but as a conflict avoidance he just went ahead and I got pregnant with our third and that was the trigger to revert bad to his cheating behaviour and it just so happened his ex AP moved to an army base nearby and it was easy to pick up where he left on.
During the affair he didn't treat me well but then I didn't treat him well either. He was slack and forgetful and I felt I had to parent him too. This clearly caused resentment for both of us.
I think we both fell out of love with each other then...I know for certain I started noticing other men but never acted on it.
I used to say he only married me because I was pregnant and remind him he didn't want our third baby. Both things were true and I felt unloved.
I don't know when he fell back in love with me. I started to get some self esteem, started studying, volunteering, socialising...his affair had ended and he seemed more attentive and happy. Money got easier and we started taking holidays. Life was hard but good.
I'm just angry that when we were poor, when I was sick, when our relationship was worse...he broke our vows.
Since the affair he has supported me through other hard times including more illness, stress, family difficulties and he actually started to open up and even cried a couple of times when he dealt with traumatic incidents which is something he has never done before.
Our relationship seemed better than ever, we have a beautiful home, our kids are settled and thriving, we have joint hobbies and new careers and then the AP dropped this bomb in my life and now I don't know up from down, I dont know who my husband is or was and I don't know if I'll ever be whole again

Love isn't measured by how someone feels about you and treats you when times are good; it's how you are loved and treated when times are really challenging or just mediocre. Love is an action, a choice that people make every day; it's not just a feeling.

He was cheating on you during good times and bad times. He cheated on his exes when he and they were young and childless, and had no cares in the world. He had no reason to resent his best friend, either, but that didn't stop him from sleeping with his wife.

You were in the same marriage as him but you never betrayed him.

Don't make excuses for him and don't sell yourself short.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:48 PM, Wednesday, July 2nd]

If one does not reconcile, I would hardly call that a personal failure given that one was not the one who cheated, was one? It takes heroic-level effort for a partner who has cheated and betrayed to become a safe partner. Many betraying partners do not do the work needed to become safe partners.

Some do. And I respect that greatly.

I am very sorry this happened to you.

Infidelity is a deal breaker. The wayward spouse breaks his vows. For a lot of folks, it's perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce, no questions asked, do not pass Go, do not collect $200... straight to jail.

Offering a WS the opportunity to reconcile is a gift. The bulk of the work falls squarely on his shoulders. The WS must own and fix his shit, changing from wayward to safe. Some are capable. Some are not. It's not always easy to determine, especially in the first few months or years.

Your part, as a BS, is to recover, heal, and then make the best choices for your self.

Do not put any undue pressure on yourself, as I once did. Step-back and detach, watch and observe what your WH does with this gift you've offered. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:38 AM, Tuesday, July 8th]

I don't have a lot of relevant advice here, as I feel most of what needs to be said has already been covered in the comments. Of course, this doesn't make you a failure.

What I wanted to share is an interesting observation about the self-imposed standards we set for ourselves. You would feel like a failure if you don't reconcile, whereas I would feel like a huge failure if I were to ever reconcile.

I would feel like a failure if I were to reconcile because it would contradict how I have lived my entire life; it would crush my core principles. I would feel as though I was choosing the warmer, more comfortable path of staying with a partner I love, rather than the correct approach of diving headfirst into the dating pool and looking for a truly faithful and moral partner. I've discussed this at length before, but it can be summarized as believing that I'm worth more than staying with a cheater. What benefit is there in staying with someone of such low moral worth? The hope that they might someday achieve the baseline moral standard worthy of a relationship?

The thing is, we are both wrong. Reconciling or divorcing is not inherently a victory or failure. The aim in life is to live in accordance with your own morals and principles, or at least as best as you can. The key difference in our two positions is that your standard is, at most, only 50 percent within your control. You could be the perfect partner during reconciliation. You could do everything right. But if your partner remains a bad person, you can't control that. If he hasn't done enough to win you back, make you trust him, or make you happy, you can't control that either. So, the only difference in our two positions is that your standard is, at least partially, out of your control.

However, I still cannot understand HOW…

Infidelity sure is a mind-f***, right? You thought you lived in one world, and then found out you lived in another.

One thing that can help you in your current turmoil is to start practicing acceptance. To truly, deeply accept that it happened, and to stop fighting against the idea that it happened.

You keep asking the HOW question which Lord knows we all have. How could he have done this? Well, the reason he could do it is because he is that type of person who is capable of doing it. How do you know he is capable of doing it? You know he can do it because he did it. Accept that.

You see him now as he really is, not as you thought him to be. The problem isn’t in how he can do it, the problem is that you just didn’t know he could do it. You didn’t truly see him, thanks certainly in part to his efforts to hide it, But also your not seeing things. You thought you knew him, you had an idea, and you saw him through that lens. Now you are seeing behind the curtain.

Try this: when you find yourself taking your one millionth trip down the rat hole of wondering how this could’ve happened and how he could’ve done it, pause and say to yourself, "I accept that it happened. He was able to do it because he was the kind of person who can do it. It happened. Reality. Here I am, I certainly wish I wasn’t here, but it happened."

Take a look at my profile and the habits of survivors.

Unhinged

Step-back and detach, watch and observe what your WH does

Super important advice. Try to un-know your husband and see him with fresh eyes. Just watch, without the emotional charge. It takes practice but it is time well spent.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:49 PM, Tuesday, July 8th]

Thanks blue...I think it common to think what could I have done differently, was it my fault? Then I see beautiful celebrities cheated on and realise even looks, money, fame can't stop someone cheating if they want to.

Shehawk...I'm not so worried about him becoming a safe partner as such ..his affair was 13 years ago now and I don't think he will repeat this behaviour, it's more a case of whether I can learn to live with him now I have seen his true colours

Unhinged ..that's exactly what I am doing now. I spoke to my therapist about this on Friday and we worked out I'm scared to be independent and become my own safe person as I don't trust myself and unfortunately don't see my own worth - never have - and obviously this has pretty much confirmed to me I am worthless 😔 my therapist and I are going to work on this so hopefully I can get stronger and heal either way

Dr - I felt like that at first, that stayed would be betraying my own morals but I also believe in forgiveness, s cond chances, for better for worse and redemption.
Like you say though...I can't control what my husband does with the gift of reconciliation and I have spoken at length about this with my therapist and agreed I can only worry about myself and can't keep trying to control his recovery or work...that's in him!

House - great advice, thank you. He is doing the work and changing and I'm starting to slowly accept this happened, he did this, he is that person...he struggles with that as it was 13 years ago now but for me it's new and the lies have still been there the past few years.

I think my biggest problem other than rumination is the morality of it. I believe my husband is a good man overall but he did a bad, immoral thing. My brain therefore wants to categorise him as bad/immoral/even evil. I do the same with myself...for instance when I have messed as a mum (shouted at kids for example) I immediately think I'm a bad mum and I can never be a good mum and what to go back in time and redo my kids childhood and never make a mistake which is obviously not possible!
I do have PMDD, childhood trauma and OCD tendancies and my therapist thinks I might be autistic because of my thought processing.
This worries me as I think it means I'll never get over it but my therapist said we have to work on it as this thinking, dwelling and ruminating will ruin my future with or without my husband