SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m married in 2006 and 2012 we had our first child. In 2014 I was working from home and my wife was working from the office when suddenly a phone start to ring in back of me. It was my wife’s phone before she upgraded and messages were coming in on Skype. I checked the messages and that’s what my heart broke. It was her texting another man. I read through the messages and realize that he was living eight hours away and had two children and a wife. I didn’t confront her first because I wanted to dig enough to find the truth. I search phone bills, messaging accounts and emails. I found out that she had joined lava life ( the same site we met on) which is a dating site and was also actively messaging other men on there as well as this other man on Skype that she had met through Facebook. I waited about two months to confront her once I figured out all the information I could dig up and there was nothing left to find when I confronted her. She denied everything at first until I started pulling out evidence.

At first I started with the lava life people she was messaging. It took her 30 minutes to acknowledge that that was happening
then when I asked her if there was anything else, she assured me, there was nothing but then I brought out the love letter that she wrote him, her second secret came to surface.
At a time it was just an emotional affair. It was crushing at the time and quite friendly and while it was crushing I didn’t want to break up the family. I didn’t know how to deal with it, but I really wanted to keep the family together and just moved on.
Fast-forward to may 2025

I was bringing my daughter to the clinic while my other two kids were being taken care of by my dad. My dad called me to ask me when my wife is coming home and told me he couldn’t reach her. At that moment, I checked the find my app and located at a hotel 15 minutes away from my location. That’s why I knew something was up again. I went to the hotel. I waited to see if I could find her but the car stated moving, and I followed it all the way to the corner of the house. She got out of the car about five minutes before I reached her. She made up a whole story about why her phone wasn’t on and was in airplane mode
Once again, I didn’t confront it right away because I needed to dig to find the truth. I saw she was texting on WhatsApp quite a bit and she told me she was texting her cousin, but I knew there was something on that phone and I couldn’t access it because all of the apps and the phone were locked with her face. I searched the Internet for security loopholes to get into the phone and after about two weeks I was able to access WhatsApp and export the full chat as well as get a live feed of all texts going in and out of the phone on a separate computer
it’s been crushing to see these things And read what’s going on behind the scenes. I’ve already seen a D lawyer like I did the first time but this time I know which direction I’ll choose.

I still haven’t confronted her because I wanna get my finances in order before I make any moves but it’s very difficult when she’s constantly texting him right in front of me at the table, in the car, in the bed and even at my dads house.
And they’re having secret meetings every week or two weeks when she has to go into work I’m struggling day by day and she’s very manipulated with her I love youse and being so kind and sweet at home.
I’ve even hired a PI 2x to film her make out session at a mall and also going in and out of a hotel.
the worst part is he’s even married with three children at 59 years old and from what I read on the text, they met on Ashley Madison, which is a website for married people who wanna cheat on our spouses.
she’s even questioning my whereabouts suspicious of me but I’ve been faithful for the last 19 years. I’m taking the next 30 days to get my finances together for my business with my accountant and spend as much time with my children as I can during our 30 day vacation in a house shared with my dad and my sister. I don’t want my kids to lose their summer, that they’ve been looking forward to. Lord grant me strength and patience to get through this summer. I’m still crushed, but I’m remaining focussed and writing a journal so I can remember all the lies and betrayal she’s done since she started talking to him mid April. God knows if there have been other incedents in between.

Maison,

Sorry you had need to find this site. Check out the Healing Library here and the pinned posts at the top of this forum. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180.

the worst part is he’s even married with three children

Once your ducks are in a row please let his betrayed wife know. She deserves to be able to make the same decisions about her life as you do.

God knows if there have been other incedents in between

.

She’s a serial cheater. I would be surprised if these are the only two instances. I doubt she will ever admit to anything you can’t prove.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 5:34 AM, Sunday, July 13th]

There are people who cheat and lie as easily as they breathe. It seems You are married to one.

I hope you realize she cheats because she is a cheater. She lies because she is a liar. Her behavior has nothing to do with you. She would do this whoever she was married to. She is like a bucket with a hole in it. You could pour all the love, all the sex, and she would leak it right out. Whatever is wrong with her she brought with her into your marriage.

Make sure you are getting enough nutrition. There are protein drinks that you can use if food is too iffy. Contact your dr if you need help with anxiety and sleeping. Do not try to tough this out because what you are going through is extremely stressful which can break down your immune system.

The strangest thing is that I read her text threads to him and she’s also constantly lying to him and creating some sort of alternate reality inventing that she has friends coming over and that she’s cooking food that never existed to make it seem like her life is different than what it is in order to get validation from him. I just see him egging her on in the conversations and manipulating her, but it’s not in my best interest to save her as she’s already lost to me. I’m gonna have to figure out a way to decline all her sexual advances if any for the next 30 days giving away what I know and losing my advantage.

Cough a lot and tell her you feel like you might have the flu. Drag that out.

If she is lying to her AP there is something seriously wrong with her. You might want to do some research just for your own information, but I think using an attorney and getting out as soon as you can is the best way to handle this.

It's understandable that you're going through a tough time, and while it's never easy to face betrayal, I truly admire your determination and resolve. It's clear you've thought things through, have a plan, and are proactively working towards your goals. That structured approach is incredibly powerful.

The pain of betrayal takes time and space to heal, but by taking control and being proactive, you're doing things in a way that will ultimately serve you best. People who get stuck in difficult ruts often do so because of indecision or passivity, and you are clearly the opposite of that.

So, truly, congratulations on your strength and forward momentum!

If there's any specific advice you need along the way, please don't hesitate to reach out. We're here to support you.

Please ensure you inform the other spouse when your ducks are firmly in a row.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:59 AM, Sunday, July 13th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry infidelity has touched your life. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some posts that aren't pinned that are very helpful and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site.

Please be sure to take care of yourself and your children at this time.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) for you and your children may be helpful. Infidelity is trauma, and isn't easy.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:15 AM, Saturday, July 19th]

I’ve been monitoring the messages and her 3 month boyfriend if on vacation with his family in Florida

She has now hoped back on Ashley Madison and started chatting with another bloke last night

He asked her if she wanted to stay married or if she was looking for a way out

Her response was
That’s a good question
I might be looking for a way out if I find the right person

That’s so messed up

Well it sounds like your marriage is over.

At least you have full clarity now though.

321,

You posted earlier about the lies your WW was telling her APs (cooking, etc.).

Her texts on AM are just as likely to be lies, saying what she thinks will move things along.

But I think filing for divorce is the only way forward.

Best wishes.

He asked her if she wanted to stay married or if she was looking for a way out

Her response was

That’s a good question

I might be looking for a way out if I find the right person

And I’m certain her response to you will be "it’s not what it looks like" when you confront her.

And I hope your response is "it’s exactly what it looks like" and remind her she’s a serial cheater.

I’m sorry for you. You deserve better than this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:08 PM, Saturday, July 19th]

It's going to be a long 30 days.

I made it to the vacation house with the kids and my parents are here. My anxiety is through the roof every time I see her pick up that phone and start typing. There’s less of it than usual because that clown is also on vacation driving to Florida with his family but still they find time for updates and sexting. I’m stuck in the room with her. Feels like the movie sleeping with the enemy. My plan is on track. 30 f’n days. I’ll go back home for work a couple time this month. I’m surviving but moral and mood is total shit. The only saving grace is being with my kids who actually mean it when they say I love you. That’s who I’m here for. The have been looking forward to this for months and I won’t let her poor decision ruin what they deserve. God grant me patience and serenity. Thank you all for your encouragement and support.

Enjoy your time with the kids. If your wayward comments on you being distracted or distant with her, work related stress covers a lot of ground.

Hello Maison, I don't post much, I mainly lurk, but I wanted to give you some ideas about your situation that might be useful (I hope). It sounds like you're being amazingly strong about putting together your evidence for divorce - which is what I hope your conclusion is. Divorce should be at the end of most affairs as most of them seem to do it again, and we never really get over it anyway. Most of us don't, even many years later, but I'm concerned about how your planning your confrontation and I wanted to give you some ideas.

Be prepared for any kind of reaction here, you may have one that seems typical of her that you expect, but that may not happen. You have to be prepared for all kinds of reactions. It could go down like this:
1. She says nothing, maybe walks out
2. She admits it and says, so what, or I love him, or I want a divorce, or I've dropped it.
3. She denies it entirely, says you're wrong, you're misinterpreting things, she gaslights you.
4. She gets angry and starts fighting back, verbally or physically.
5. She gets hysterical, starts weeping, begging, on her knees, swearing on the kids' heads, etc. She'll end it, etc.
6. She says she loves you but not in love and wants a divorce.
7. She accuses you of stuff, blames you, maybe she even accuses you of attacking her, or she's "afraid" of you. (I know someone that happened to and no he never did anything to her.)

Or some combination of these or other things. She might react like she did the first time you busted her, or she may react different. My point is you have to consider all kinds of things and be prepared. You need to move forward and you need to protect yourself. I would have at minimum voice activated recorders on you and just tell her you're recording the whole thing for accuracy and both of your safety. I'd also check with your lawyer about recording. I'd tell her you were recording anyway, and maybe record it visually too with a camera placed somewhere, but check with your lawyer about what's legal. BUT DO RECORD THE CONFRONTATION because you'll want to remember this and you need to protect yourself from her legally. She's an excellent liar - one of the main reasons recon doesn't work because....when can you believe her.

You might also run these scenarios through in your head or maybe if there is someone you can absolutely trust who will not tell her, maybe play them out in some safe place she won't see or hear. I think she's probably got some idea in the back of her mind that something's up because she's asking you about YOU cheating....that's her frame of reference....but it must seem to her that something's a bit off. Not enough for her to stop her own behavior, but enough to be a bit wary of you. Running through scenarios with someone you really trust who'll keep their mouth shut may help you get through this.

Also, be sure that you keep anything you do well hidden from her and very secure. Your phone (maybe use a burner phone at this point to talk to your lawyer, etc), evidence, computer - whatever....try to be very secure about what you've got and don't let her see anything. You do have to try to behave as normally as you can with her, except for sex, of course, but you're doing an amazing job. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Lastly, talk to your lawyer about what happens after confrontation. Who leaves the house, who stays, in house separation (which I don't advise if you can avoid it - talk about stress!). You want to know what your rights are immediately after and going forward. You don't want to be seen as "abandoning the house" but you also don't want to be forced out. Be sure you know how to handle the aftermath of the confrontation. Who's gonna live where, how do you both deal with belongings, who do you tell, and what do you say to the kids.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you're doing an amazing job - I'd just focus some more on the confrontation - it will help reassure you to be able to handle all kinds of scenarios and it will give you the best outcome. DO REMEMBER TO RECORD IT ALL THOUGH because you want to have proof of what was said/done on both sides. Going forward you should record ALL your interactions with her, both for documentation and protection. As I say, I have seen it before with a good guy being accused by his WW of her being "afraid" of him, etc, and he never did anything to her - but she did steal hundreds of thousands of dollars from him on top of cheating. They didn't divorce, I guess he doesn't want to split up the property which is considerable, but she's living in another state now and I guess what she stole is what he thinks the settlement is. BUT DO RECORD AND DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. And don't let her intimidate or blame you - you're in the right here. GOOD LUCK!

Just a quick general comment about reconciling. Not everybody who stays together....reconciles. Like my friend with the wife who took hundreds of thousands of dollars and bailed to another state - they're not divorced and may well never divorce because he wants to keep his property together (large farm) and I don't know that she cares, she's developed her own life now elsewhere. People sometimes stay together physically for various reasons, usually money and kids, but that doesn't mean they've reconciled, or attempted to put a real relationship back together. I don't think that generally works anyway, most people never really trust them again, but there are different possible outcomes and living together is not the same as reconciling. For you (and most people) divorce is the cleanest and best way and I'm glad you're pursuing it. I think once you're through with this horrible period and you get to the other side, you will feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted. You can live a genuine life on your own terms, which is priceless to me. When you live with a cheater, even a supposedly reformed one, you never know when the other shoe is gonna drop.