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Lately I've been having a lot of reminders and triggers of last year, and of all the really shitty things she did during her affair that I now know about, and reminders of the poor ways she treated me in the last year while i was suffering intensely.

I'm also noticing character flaws that I glossed over in the past. Generally I'm struggling to feel positive about things.

I keep wanting to come up with ways for her to prove she is really going to stay and not betray me again.

I keep thinking about how she loudly communicated how little our relationship meant to her by having an affair. And that there must be a way for her to do the opposite. A way for her to loudly communicate how much our relationship now means to her, and that she has changed.

Maybe I'm just venting. I don't know. This whole process is really frustrating and hard on the ego since I loudly communicated to her I would be done if she had an affair, and I stayed.

I keep wanting to come up with ways for her to prove she is really going to stay and not betray me again.

Hello- just want to share my thoughts about this. The reality is if she does what is asked she is just being compliant. There is a place for compliance on some things after dday. On this one, I think it’s her job to do the proving, else it will not ever be received the same way. Rebuilding your faith in her live is her responsibility in this, just my opinion.

This whole process is really frustrating and hard on the ego since I loudly communicated to her I would be done if she had an affair, and I stayed.

Both my wife and I declared early and often we would be out if one of us cheated.

I know it was a major factor in my wife holding on to her A confession for over a decade — she didn’t want the M to be over though, so she held on as long as she could. The secret was causing distance.

No proof of love here, but we do show intention toward each other every day.

In my early angry days after dday, I told her words had lost their meaning, all of her new promises rang hollow.

I told her to show me, don’t tell me.

The showing me was being consistent every day, answering all my 5 billion tough questions, showing empathy for the pain she caused, reaching out and being vulnerable despite not knowing if our R would be successful, etc.

I don’t have proof these days, but I feel it. Nine plus years of being more polite, more kind, more nice to each other than we ever did before seems to set things for the road back.

No relationship is bulletproof, and yet, since we survived the horror show of her choices, neither of us want to deal with that again.

I also noticed her flaws more after dday, and I also recognized more of mine as well along the way. People either learn and grow from bad choices and bad situations or they don’t.

How is your wife showing you she has changed for the better?

Oldwounds

Ways she is showing she has changed:

She protects our relationship from friends who cross boundaries or aren't very supportive of her choice to try and reconcile.

She is still going to therapy.

She has given me several heart felt apologies for her choice to have an affair and said things that show empathy for how her actions affected me.

She keeps me informed about her plans each day and is not showing any signs of hiding anything.

She is making plans for the future with us together.

Her language reflects that she is choosing us.

My IC says based on what I have told him she is making progress - if a bit slow at times. He urges me to be patient. Says slow change is usually more permanent than fast change.

A way for her to loudly communicate how much our relationship now means to her, and that she has changed.

Oh... the irony. I've read from at least a few WS that they were looking for a way to do just that.

Love doesn't work that way. One grand jeasture is only as loud as the recipient's ears are attuned. A partner believes they've out-done themselves, gone to great lengths ot demonstrate their affection while the other partner sees something very different.

Love is a verb. It's action over time. It's the countless little things that add up to "proof." It's a lifetime of daily choices. It's seeking to understand rather than to be understood. And so on and so forth.

What many WS fail to realize, for all manner of reasons, is that infidelity pretty much wipes out the past. All of it. Nothing else matters, only your betrayals.

Step-back and detach from your WW. Focus on you, your recovery and healing. I encourage every BS to fully consider divorce, to get used to the idea, educated yourself by meeting with a lawyer, make plans.

Let go.

Watch and observe what your WW does with the opportunity, the gift, you have given to her. A chance to demonstrate that she is all in. No matter how much you want reconciliation, no matter how hard you try, she might not be willing or able to do what she's needs to do.

If she truly loves you she'll show it. If not, not. It's up to you to pay attention. In the meantime, focus on you, your recovery and healing. (I already mentioned that, didn't I?).

We all suddenly "see" our WS in a new light, to say the least. And that light is us, the betrayed, shining a big fucking spot light on "who the fuck are you and what did you do with my wife?!"

They've betrayed us and they've betrayed themselves, laying bare aspects of their character we didn't know where there. I'm sure you're seeing your WW in new ways.

It's crazy-making shit, isn't it?

Brother, after infidelity there are no easy choices. Reconciliation, divorce, limbo... doesn't matter. What matters is doing our best to get out of infidelity, to recover and heal, to be at peace with ourselves.

Focus on you.