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Without giving too many details, I’m the WP. We’re talking things out, and I’m in therapy and getting help from the VA now. I’m absolutely wracked with guilt over what I’ve done and how I handled things, I’m just in a position where I find myself looking for ways to prove to my partner A) how much I truly regret what I’ve done. B) show my partner that I want full openness and transparency. C) show her that I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for her to be ready.

All you can do is demonstrate all of those things. Over amd over and over and over again. For a long time. Recovering from an affair is t a sprint, it's a marathon, and on average takes 2 to 5 years for a BS to really start healing. True reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

It's going to take time. Lots of time and consistent behaviors. Transparency, honesty, and remorse. There's no shortcut or grand gesture that's going to do it. Radical honesty on all fronts. No little white lies or stretching the truth about anything.

Truth tempered with compassion. There are ways to be honest and transparent without bludgeoning someone with the truth. If she asks questions about your affair, tell her the truth. Gently. Even, or especially, if it makes you look bad. If you think "this might be the last straw if I tell her," you might be right, but it will be so much worse if she finds out on her own later and you haven't told her. Do not trickle truth. That tactic can kill any chance you have.

Have you written a timeline of events?

Without giving too many details, I’m the WP. We’re talking things out, and I’m in therapy and getting help from the VA now. I’m absolutely wracked with guilt over what I’ve done and how I handled things, I’m just in a position where I find myself looking for ways to prove to my partner A) how much I truly regret what I’ve done. B) show my partner that I want full openness and transparency. C) show her that I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for her to be ready.

I would like to help you in this friend, but I really don't have direct experience on when regret feels sincere.

I can only see shame, not accountability and guilt.

I suppose if I could see something along the lines:

- Disgust and hate towards her OMs, visceral, to the level that she'd be happy to know they are destroyed.

- Genuine disgust and guilt about herself and her behaviors (not just shame of having been caught, that's selfish self indulgent feeling, is not empathic). Truly hating the person she was (because she was as low as her OMen, if not worse) that was capable to DO THAT, wanting to kill that part of herself for ever like you put down a parasite. It need to be a complete destruction of that identity, disintegration, not a sprite of it left.

- True regret, no minimization, accountability.

- Empathy, understanding what she did. That what she did over and over again is the worst, most horrific and deeply evil thing you can do to your partner, there is nothing worst than this. And it is also in the echelon of the most horrific things you could ever do to a human being, period.

- Drive to make it right, genuine.

- Understanding she burned all that was, all that is and all that could have been in our future forever.

- Will to rebuild something new.

- Understanding than no matter what, whatever might be between us, will be forever tainted by the vomit of what she did, she will carry the bolts for as long as she lives.

And this needs to be felt, not spoken, words are not enough, energy matters, and I will always finding hard to believe a single word from a liar, a woman who can do this is never to be trusted. Trust will be the hardest thing of all to ever rebuild.

I know it's hard, I do not envy your shoes, because without true regret you will never reconnect.

I guess it will have to be felt, perceived, it cannot be projected.

Your partner needs to feel that you are remorseful and feel real guilt with every fiber of her being, otherwise a BS wounds will never allow you to connect again.

I think I am saying it is a matter of feelings more than anything else.

If your feelings are sincere and deeply true I believe it might be possible that there is a chance.

But I have not seen it happen yet, so I do not know if it isn't just a speculation.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 1:30 PM, Monday, February 9th]

Please take this as gentle. I empathize with your pain even though my own personal pain is from the betrayed standpoint.

A) how much I truly regret what I’ve done.

Say it. Say it every day. Say it when your partner doesn't ask for it. Say it a year from now when you've been having some "normal" days with no big emotions. Keep saying it. But don't just focus on your regret. Focus on your partner's pain. Apologize for what you did to them. Not just regretting your actions, but regretting what they have to now endure in their heart and mind 24/7.

B) show my partner that I want full openness and transparency.

Nothing secret. Ever again. Examine your life for "secret" areas (even if they have nothing to do with the A). Expose them and share them. No hesitation to answer a question. No deep sighs when your partner asks a question. I know this is hard, especially when the question may have been asked 10 times already.

C) show her that I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for her to be ready.

Prepare yourself for the endurance this will take. If your partner had been in a catastrophic car accident with multiple severe injuries that took years of physical therapy and surgeries to recover from, you would probably patiently endure all of it with them. This will be similar on an emotional and relational scale.

NoStoneUnthrown,

Here's my advice (in order of importance)

1. I think you should really give some serious thought as to whether you actually want to save this relationship and have the endurance to do so. As others have said, and assuming that Reconciliation is something your BS want to pursue, you are facing an uphill battle. Even if your relationship recovers, your relationship has been irrevocably changed and you will never get the benefit of the doubt from your partner never again. If you aren't fully committed to Reconciliation or are fixated on having the relationship you had before (rather than building a new relationship), then do yourself and your partner a favor and tap out now.

2. Stop cheating and cut off contact completely with AP. One would think that would be obvious, but you would be surprised how many cheaters can't even get that far. The AP doesn't exist for you anymore. If you work together, quit. Send AP a no contact letter (the shorter and curter the better) and then block AP from all means of contact. If AP tries to reach out or you run into her, let your partner know immediately. If you miss your AP, do not project your grief on to your partner. Suffer in silence and talk to your therapist.

3. Stop lying. Answer your partner's questions completely and hold nothing back. If there's any information that you know your partner would want to know, you tell her, no matter how ugly or embarrassing. "I don't know" or "I don't remember" is never an acceptable answer to the question. If you genuinely don't know, then your response should be "I'm going to find out." If you can corroborate your responses with evidence (text messages, emails, witnesses, etc) that would be ideal.

4. Be proactive. Do not rely on your partner for guidance about what you should and shouldn't be doing. Read the books ("How to help your spouse heal from an affair" is supposed to be a good one), get therapy, and don't be afraid to try things and fail. It's better to do something that doesn't work than to do nothing because you're paralyzed by fear.

5. If you're married, offer your partner a generous postnuptial agreement so that, if she chooses, she can start her life over in the best circumstances possible. If you're not married but are cohabitating, then offer to give her what she would be entitled to if you were married. If you're truly sorry, then you will have no problem putting your money where your mouth is.

6. Be prepared for her to fluctuate wildly between hating your guts and wanting your comfort and affection. If she pulls away, give her the space that she needs and don't rely on her for reassurance. If she's very needy and wants you close, make yourself physically and emotionally available.

7. Accept that your days of privacy are over. She should have free access to all your devices whenever she wants. Don't expect that you will have the same on her end, however.

Lastly, the only way you're ever going to going to rebuild her trust and repair your relationship is through consistently transparent and trustworthy behavior over time. There are no magic words to say or special buttons to push that you can just make this go away.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:43 PM, Monday, February 9th]

Consistency. Openness. No messaging apps. All passwords known. No secret email accounts. If you are going to the grocery store let her know. If you get to the grocery store and they don't have what you want text her that you're going to another store because the store didn't have what you want. If you say you're going to be home at 5:00 p.m., be home. If you know you're going to be late, text her immediately with a reason why.

Ask her what she wants what she needs and do it without question

Spend your free time at home. Spend your free time with her.

Check in with her throughout the day even if it's just to send a ❤️

I suggest your wife finds an IC to help her heal from the pain and damage you have caused. Skip the MC for now.

Be tolerant of her ups and downs because she is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for an incredibly long time. Sit there and listen regardless of what she says

If your affair was with a work colleague find a new job

I could go on but this will get you started