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I usually am on the R forum. But, I need a OW to weigh in. I’m 7 years post DDay. We did the hard work and have reaped the rewards. I’m grateful for where we are, just not why.

My question is…..we’re in a small community. Mine was a double betrayal. I’ve made it abundantly clear that OW will never again be a friend of mine. She is worthy of friendship, just not from me. I do my best to look through her when our paths do cross. And they cross a lot.

Over the last 7 years, she’s shown up volunteering at my races. We were all triathletes. Volunteering at training sessions in open water swimming. That’s sort of fine. I know she has friends there too. What really bothers me, is it feels like she’s following me around. Sitting close to me, it seems almost that she wants to eavesdrop….or talk to me….or something. I don’t know. Or we’ll run into each other at the supermarket, and it feels like she’s following me around.

It feels intrusive and stalker-y. It ebbs and flows. I know her well enough to know that I’m not worried about my safety. Though, I did consult and attorney who advised me that this isn’t technically stalking.

My question for the OW out there….is WHY? Why bother? Is it to intentionally make me jump into flight or fight?? Is she thinking we’ll be friends? Maybe sorry? She did apologize, but it was clearly aimed at letting me know that my husband also cheated. "I’m sorry I didn’t refuse his advances". Is she looking for some sign of forgiveness? Whether I have or have not forgiven her will be something I do for me. She’s reached out to me a couple of times. My response is always, don’t talk to me.

She’s trying to go back to where you were as friends. She’s trying to normalize being in your orbit. I saw someone recently explain forgiveness, "it doesn’t mean forgetting so you can do this to me again. It means I want you to eat, just not at my table".

My question for the OW out there….is WHY? Why bother? Is it to intentionally make me jump into flight or fight?? Is she thinking we’ll be friends? Maybe sorry?

My personal guess:
- She is feeling shame
- You attend the same circles, she might fear other know what kind of woman she is
- You are a mirror forever reflecting her sordid actions

If she can be forgiven by you, she will feel better with herself.
Obviously is not for your benefit, because she must know how much her closeness hurts you.

She’s trying to go back to where you were as friends. She’s trying to normalize being in your orbit. I saw someone recently explain forgiveness, "it doesn’t mean forgetting so you can do this to me again. It means I want you to eat, just not at my table".

Well put. Not sure if it's forgiveness but I share the feeling.

Let me post an alternative theory for her actions. I’m not an OW. But I vividly recall the posts by the OBS describing the OW's actions after her Dday. She was remarkably unremorseful. She tried to shift responsibility away from herself anyway she could. She came across as spoiled and entitled. She blamed her depression. She blamed her heavy work schedule in the ER. She blamed her unhappy M and her BH for being a SAHD. Even though it was her idea he stay st home with children.

I have no idea if she ever found remorse for her actions. But I would not be surprised if she keeps appearing in your orbit, because she does not believe she has anything to be ashamed of. After all the A wasn't her fault. It was the circumdtances don't you know. With that attitude why would she feel the need to avoid you?

Just a thought. I could be all wrong. Maybe she stopped being selfish and entitled after her D. I doubt it though

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:15 PM, Tuesday, February 10th]

Hasn't the OW engaged in similar behavior ever since the affair was found out? If I remember correctly, there were stories of her putting her equipment next to yours at triathlon training and purposely trying to sit next to you and mutual friends or trying to engage with your WH. I'd say this is for the same reasoning, but I have no idea what that is. Maybe it's to try to disconcert you and establish dominance or something in order to make you uncomfortable and her to feel better somehow? It's definitely odd.

This isn't your imagination, by the way. The OW is doing this on purpose for whatever her reason is. I just wanted to add that because the police told you it's not their definition of stalking. It does exist. It's been going on for years. You know that.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 8:03 PM, Tuesday, February 10th]

Not an OW, but I don’t think she is seeking forgiveness, normalcy, renewal of friendship, etc.

She can likely predict where you will be because of your shared events and history. There is no reason for you to give up your sports passion-just because of her and your H-but I venture a guess if you and your H moved on to something else…she would too.

She feels a need to intrude on your life and make herself relevant.

Sad. Pathetic. Lonely.

Yeah….she didn’t physically abuse engage in this earlier on. And, yes, she hasn’t really taken any responsibility for the A with her BS. Perhaps I need a reminder just not to be surprised that she’s trying maybe to alleviate her shame. (Guilt is ok, shame just makes things worse. OBS was a really nice guy. I’m grateful to him for sharing the evidence he found. Last I heard he was dating a really nice lady.

Forgiveness for me in this case is benign indifference. Rather than being consumed by anger and hatred. It isn’t exactly that I want her to eat. I just don’t care if she eats or not. Before all this she was a random stranger. Forgiveness is for me. And for me, sometimes she is a random stranger who I haven’t a thought for. I don’t think I’ve forgiven her yet. I did forgive my H, but he worked so hard to make amends. Perhaps I’m not allowing her to make amends….because what I’ve seen from her thus far seems just disingenuous. Though, I hope she does eat, have friends etc. If nothing else, for the sake of her children. They deserve a healthier version of their mom. I just don’t want to care anymore.

I try hard to just carry on and not let her presence prevent me from doing what I want to do, even if it super distressing at the time. Sometimes, I just have to bail. I literally have to rehearse what I might say in potential encounters because my anxiety spikes so high I can barely breathe. I think I’m fearful that she’s going to give me new news. I KNOW in a past encounter she wanted me to be sure that she was certain that my FWH missed her. He called post DDay to say that he would…..though, he’s told me that he misses the friendship that we had between her, her husband and us - though….I’m not naive enough to believe that there isn’t a small part of him that wonders "what if. He HAS expressed often that he is very grateful that I gave him a second chance and his actions have been in line with that.

I wish I could get an OW to chime in. I promise not to bite. My best friend was a cheater….she honestly was able to be friends with one of the betrayed in her situation. Although, they were all single at the time, no marriages involved. Not that this makes it ok. My best friend echos what you’ve posted. She’s just trying to make herself feel better and is the victim in this situation.

But she was not a random stranger. She was a friend. She and her husband were friends, and she trained with you and more often your WH, right? He misses her friendship.

You are strong. I could not handle this personally, with either my WH or OW/ex-friend. You seem to want to persist in spite of that. This is a situation where I would choose to remove myself. I understand if you don't. You will always have to deal with this. That's ok.

If I were you and dealing with it, I would choose not to put myself in her mind and think about why she does what she does. Personally, I think it's very odd though. I can't imagine wanting to do what she does and what she gains from it.

She WAS a random stranger before we met them. Which was only about 9 years ago. He says he doesn’t miss her friendship anymore. Maybe, again, I’m naive. But, I think what my husband misses most is that they ruined what could have been a nice friend couple to have.

I AM strong. This is HARD. I often think I continued competing just out of spite. I didn’t want either of them to have the satisfaction of my quitting. Continuing taught me that I can do pretty much anything….except maybe go back in time and make some different choices around our boundaries with them.
It is such a small community, that even if I had quit the sport…..I was still running into her at the allergist or supermarket or anywhere else. We can’t move. Our business is here. And in middle age, this isn’t the kind of thing we could start over somewhere else. No where would ever be 100% safe.

I think wanting to hear from an OW who might have a similar experience is because I want to try to understand. Maybe that is too tall an order. I know that people are more multidimensional than that.

I'm not an OW. I have no way of knowing. There is a competitive element to this - with both of you.

It's a double betrayal by your admission. You don't want her to claim the space. She doesn't want you to claim it. I had a short period of triathlon experience. In my experience, it's an event about endurance. You might be good at swimming or cycling and just have to stick it out through the rest. If this is your chosen battle, you have to endure and not let the rest get in your head. It's easy for me to say. There's no way I could do it, in terms of an affair. I admire your mental strength though.

AGAIN - not an an OW! Maybe this is not something most OWs do. I would think most of them probably avoid BS out of embarrassment, shame, fear of being attacked, at least verbally, so her behavior is odd. As another poster said, I don't know how you've dealt with it either, I'd have given her a good kick in the ass. You seem much nicer than me, LOL. So I have a bizarre (perhaps) suggestion for you.....things don't change until we change them. Since you can't move and you don't want to quit your sport - have you tried talking to her? I mean, as difficult as it may seem, have a conversation - Hi, how are you? what are you doing these days? It's not about being friendly as that ain't gonna happen, but maybe if you actually talk to her, you might be able to figure her out and the mystery might be solved. And depending on how it goes, you could either tell her how you feel - look, I just don't want to be involved with you because of what you did, or maybe something like.....let's give each other space. I don't think you should have to suffer through this over and over. It's like being haunted. So call the ghost's bluff. Talk to her and see what she says. What's the worst that could happen? I think it might relieve some of your discomfort, perhaps explain the mystery, establish your dominance, and maybe make her give you more distance. If you have to be in the same space, maybe you could agree to some guidelines. If not....well, she's an asshole. Give her a kick in the butt.

I don’t think you need to hear from another cheating spouse. Because in my opinion the OW you are dealing with is nuts!!!

Most people would have Respect and common decency to let the marriage they almost destroyed start to recover and back off.

Instead she keeps trying to insert herself, be where you are AND try to get close. I get the shine small town thing but I’m sorry, you run into her far too often. There’s just no way it’s accidental or a coincidence.

Honestly I’d find a new club. That’s not "letting her win". That’s removing yourself from her drama and not allowing her to be relevant.