SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this morning I received an email from one of many of the affair blog/help sites I frequent run by a couple named Doug and Linda who went through the nightmare of an affair. I'm sure at least a few of you are familiar with them. I noticed at least one member here who has many comments at the bottom of many of their articles.

This one was about the importance of a WS taking initiative. All too often it's the BS who is doing all of the work. The BS is the one looking up articles, reading the books, participating on the forums, looking up counselors, etc. The BS is often the one putting in all of the effort to salvage the relationship while the WS is pretty much just along for the ride and cruising on autopilot. A situation I'm sure many of us are familiar with.

I read this article to my wife (as I often do). It's not as if she isn't doing anything. Quite the opposite. She's been bending over backwards to try and do the right things, and quite successfully I might add. However, I do feel like I'm the one who's taking the most initiative in researching this stuff, participating on forums, etc., and passing what I learn onto her. She's then taking these lessons and applying them daily. My only real issue is that I felt like I was doing all of the work to dig into it.

Well, after I read that article to her, to my surprise, she goes to her purse and pulls out a couple of pages of handwritten notes! She's been using her break time at work to look up what she can be doing to fix things. Digging into her "why." She's been working it out with her counselor and reading articles on her own. She handed me 2 pages worth of what exactly she was feeling at the time of her affair. Her thought process, and why she gave herself permission to do what she did, while acknowledging that none of it justified her affair. There was that, and another page of notes with questions and statements she prepared for her counseling sessions.

I was kind of floored, and so pleasantly surprised. She's been doing a lot more behind the scenes than I realized. She actually took some initiative. I think most of you know about my wife's condition. She suffered a tbi when she was an infant that left her with epilepsy. She's not what anyone would consider handicapped, but it did leave her with some cognitive blind spots, and she's not usually one for deep introspection. In other words, her doing this required her to put more effort into it than most people.

Her notes contained a lot of what she was feeling at the time while acknowledging none of it was an excuse for having an affair. There were also many things about how much she loves me, never intended to leave me, and had always considered me her first choice, even when she was in the middle of her affair. She never once considered replacing me or leaving the marriage, and she really does despise AP now.

She had no idea how much it meant to me that she'd been doing these things. I asked her, "Why didn't you show or tell me about this before?" She said, "I was saving it for counseling and wanted to talk with her about it first."

I'm... actually proud of her. This deep introspection is something she would never have done before her affair. I'm really surprised she took it upon herself to do it. She wasn't necessarily going to share those specific notes with me. She was taking them to use in her counseling sessions to work through and later talk to me about it after her counselor helped her get it sorted. Those notes weren't meant for me, which tells me what she wrote is sincere and she really meant it.

If you're a WS and reading this, you taking initiative and putting in the work can absolutely mean the world to your BS. Don't sit on autopilot and let them do all of the work, and if you do the work, share it with your BS! They will appreciate it more than you probably realize. I now see her a little bit differently and in a more positive light. She's putting real and genuine effort into this, and the fact that it's more difficult for her than most just makes it that much more meaningful to me.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:39 PM, Tuesday, February 10th]

Pogre:

My impression reading here is the WS doing anything similar to yours is on the lesser side of the 50% line.

Count yourself lucky!

There are a few posts (past active members) who are wonderful exceptions to the "not doing much" WS.

Two that come to mind - MrsSouthAfrica and Sayuwontletgo

As you have posted your spouse is afflicted with a brain anomaly. As you also post what she did is not her normal moral behavior.

I'm sure that the WS SI Forum is a record of many WS failed in their moral integrity who DO "get it" and come to SI to try and save their marriage.

Curious - do you know if Mrs. Pogre is active on any infidelity blog-sites?

Humankind still doesn't know how a brain thinks. We only can speak to that idea by example. WE DO know that sometimes brains don't work "normal" and then we are tested in dealing with the results.

Example: I had a work friend who had a very expensive foreign sports car. One day driving his Epilepsy "struck" - he doesn't remember the wreck - just woke up in the hospital. Car totaled. Dump truck he rammed? Not so much. Fortunately he was restricted from driving for six months and medical treatment/drugs managed to forestall future Epileptic incidents. However, the cloud of the possibility of such re-occurring is part of his life. He is a very smart software engineer who works for the maker of the F14.

I hope your wife gets the medical help to keep her working properly.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:23 PM, Tuesday, February 10th]

Pogre, I really think you are lucky here.

It is something I would like to see so much.
But doubt is ever going to happen, unless performative, so I am never going to ask.

Every bit of that is good news.

And the article and you are right. I can’t remember a situation where the BS had to drag their WS through R concluding with a good outcome.

I’ve always said, if the WS isn’t metaphorically on their hands and knees begging you stay and work with them, you’re better off just forgetting it and moving on.
One exception I will grant to this is for people with young kids. Sometimes it’s worth the hell in staying with an unrepentant WS if they believe their WS will bring more trash around their kids if the BS leaves.
That’s all situational dependent though.

My impression reading here is the WS doing anything similar to yours is on the lesser side of the 50% line.

Count yourself lucky!

You know, I do. Tho I don't tend to say that as there really isn't anything "lucky" about being a betrayed spouse. However, it happened, and I am glad that she's doing what she's been doing to make amends for it. Reading some of the stories here, I do feel lucky in that regard. She's just not a typical WW, or person in general. I do know that she fiercely loves me tho.

There are a few posts (past active members) who are wonderful exceptions to the "not doing much" WS.

Two that come to mind - MrsSouthAfrica and Sayuwontletgo

I did actually stumble across MrsSouthAfrica's thread and read it a while back. I've done many deep dives and read many, many stories. I know what I have in my wife and I feel very strongly we have something worth salvaging.

As you have posted your spouse is afflicted with a brain anomaly. As you also post what she did is not her normal moral behavior.

She is, and it is not her normal moral behavior. She had been put on a new anti seizure medication with a bad reputation for screwing people up and changing personalities. It doesn't let her off the hook, but there was a dramatic change in her behavior and personality. I have a thread about it in general titled something like "Dr wants to increase wife's medication" or something like that. It got ugly for a few months.

Curious - do you know if Mrs. Pogre is active on any infidelity blog-sites?

No, but she has been doing searches and reading articles and blog posts. She doesn't really participate in them tho. Just not her style.

Example: I had a work friend who had a very expensive foreign sports car. One day driving his Epilepsy "struck" - he doesn't remember the wreck - just woke up in the hospital. Car totaled. Dump truck he rammed? Not so much. Fortunately he was restricted from driving for six months and medical treatment/drugs managed to forestall future Epileptic incidents. However, the cloud of the possibility of such re-occurring is part of his life. He is a very smart software engineer who works for the maker of the F14.

This one hits close to home. When my wife started having seizures again, she got into a pretty bad accident. She had gone 25 years without an episode and they returned out of nowhere. She was doing about 50 mph, had an absence seizure, and blew right through a red light, hitting another vehicle. Thank god no one was hurt, but both vehicles were totaled. It was pretty nasty.

She got into a fender bender in a parking lot a couple of years later. Another absence seizure. She took out a couple of shrubs and a donation box, too, driving right up over a couple of curbs. This was about a year and a half ago and she hasn't driven since, much to her chagrin and a few nasty arguments later. She was put on that new med, I put my foot down on the driving, and that's where things started getting really ugly between us. Part of her justification for the affair was revenge for that and other things, but the no driving really pushed her over the edge. Between that and the new med she got kind of vicious.

She started confiding in prince charming, who is also epileptic but still drives despite the danger. Of course he totally sympathized with her about her evil, controlling, mean husband not wanting her to drive... you guys know the rest.

In our state it's 3 months of no driving after a seizure, which is insane to me. I think it should be at least a year, if not 2 years. There's no known cure for epilepsy. It can be controlled by meds, and even go into "remission," but can come back anytime without warning. My wife went 25 years without a seizure. They slowly increased to about 3 or 4 a year over the last 20 years. Her Dr and I both agree she shouldn't be driving and she was furious about it. No doubt influenced by keppra, her new med. I refused to budge tho. I'm not losing my wife because it's inconvenient for her to not drive. So yeah, that one hits close to home with me.

Then I almost lost her anyway... sigh.

I hope your wife gets the medical help to keep her working properly.

Thanks man. She has a very good neurologist and regular checkups to see if anything new happens and to check her med levels, kidneys and liver since one of them can be toxic if it gets too high. I go to all of her appointments with her.

That new med? She seems to be doing better. She's had 2 seizures in the last year and a half. The 2nd one around Halloween, and other than that she's been doing great. Once she finished titrating she went right back to her old self and is pretty devastated over the damage her actions caused. She's been doing everything she can to make up for it, and I'm not concerned about it happening again. She sure put me in an emotional blender tho, but she knows it and I can tell she's deeply remorseful about it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:43 PM, Tuesday, February 10th]