SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Consider Bigger’s advice to not let your spouse know very, very strongly. It’s literally the best tool in your toolbox to determine if she has been lying about no contact.

I didn't tell her at first, but disclosed a few days later to her that I did. I did go through her phone afterwards to see if there was any communication, and there was nothing that I saw. And I haven't heard anything from OW or AP since I told her.

I decided to tell my wife and she was a little surprised but relieved and concerned he was going to attempt to reach out but assured me he hasn't. I'm inclined to believe there truly hasn't been any contact since February 15th, I have no other reason or even suspicions or doubts anymore. She is blocked on every social media page that he has including the secret apps. When i found out about the affair and she tipped him off on February 15th; him thinking I was going to reach out to his girlfriend then (I didn't even know his last name or her name) truly ended it. And that's when he lashed out and blocked her on everything.

I found his email address and we sent a NC letter outlining your message; crickets on the response. But it's out there.

From here, I think I can start really working on myself and our reconciliation. To address you question about the why behind the affair; that's a big topic of conversation over the past few days. Validation and instant gratification were the two things that immediately came up. It makes sense to me, in a way, because I do put myself back in my own shoes in September/October before the affair started. I was working a lot and in a pretty stressful period; then shuttling the 3 kids around to various practices and coaching them, etc. All of the problems we had (stressing about finances, day to day of kids development, problems in school with friends or teachers, etc) none of that existed when it was just her and him talking/texting/sexting. And he showered her with praise about how beautiful she was constantly and his only focus was how beautiful she was and exchanging nudes; he didn't have "real" life problems to deal with with her. None of this is an excuse by any means; it's the ultimate selfish route, but it's a least a reason and that's what I've been trying to understand.

I truly believe the emotional affair would've been a physical affair had distance not been an issue and we chatted through that as well. She says she doesn't think so, but she doesn't know for sure and I'm tired of playing the what if game in my head so I'm just going to move past that.

She's started reading some of the books recommended and was appalled by her behavior post infidelity. I was trying to explain to her what I was going through when I was having panic attacks, or flooding of emotions, or being shutdown and the books explained it a little more eloquently than I could. At one point, very early on post discovery, she asked me to stop being so mopey. After reading the books she referenced back to that moment about what an all time "bitch" comment that was.

I think she finally gets it and the destruction she's caused and how the family is held on by a thread, but at least it's still holding on but she needs to put the work in to solidifying it.

Now if only these 'effin mental movies, what if scenarios, and panic attacks will just go away. IC has been very helpful.

A positive update. Time will help with the mind movies. Some have gone to EMDR therapy to deal with the problem. Check the Healing Library for articles dealing with mind movies. Your WW’s discussion of her "reason" is an explanation of how the A happened in her mind. But it does not explain what in her makeup allowed her to be susceptible to the AP’s advances. IC may help her get to the core weakness. The stresses you describe in your M are common to most marriages. Every day millions of married people go through life feeling stressed, disconnected, ignored or unloved, but even when confronted by temptation to cheat, never do so. It’s not the daily stresses that caused her to cheat but something broken inside of her. She needs to address this brokenness if she wants to earn your trust moving forward. Good luck.

Your wife is starting to sound like my wife when she really started "getting it." The books helped open her eyes, too. I think you're seeing some positive signs. There reached a point where the subtle and not so subtle signs of deception and secretiveness just disappeared with my wife, and I started feeling like she really did understand just how bad her words and actions were. I could tell when she was really all in on fixing the damage she'd done. There was a noticeable shift in her demeanor and actions. She's been on that same path for almost a year now, and despite having our 1 year antiversary on top of us and messing with my head right now I'm really beginning to feel like we're going to make it. It sounds like your wife is taking those first tentative steps in that direction .

The mental images and mind movies suck. They do subside after a while, but I'm still hit with them occasionally and it's brutal, but it does get better with time.

Yeah, she made a comment in one of our many conversations where she truly didn't think about the pain it would cause and only selfishly thought about the rush she was getting. Is that just the right things to say and remorse kicking in, maybe, but for weeks/months I never saw true remorse like I've seen this past week.

There's been a lot of encouraging words said to me throughout this thread, but Pogre I just want you to know I keep revisiting your first comment. I was in a bit of a downward spiral when I initially posted and no one in my inner circle ever experienced infidelity, but your first reply resonated and I keep going back to that and rereading it. You may be a complete stranger, but you should know I appreciate it and I keep revisiting it. I didn't know what to expect posting in some anonymous forum, but it's been incredibly helpful. I hope no one I know will ever experience infidelity, but when it inevitably happens I'm obligated to help wherever I can; or at least point them here.

Yeah, she made a comment in one of our many conversations where she truly didn't think about the pain it would cause and only selfishly thought about the rush she was getting.

Yup. Once again, she sounds like my wife. She's said very similar comments to me.

Is that just the right things to say and remorse kicking in, maybe, but for weeks/months I never saw true remorse like I've seen this past week.

That's the million dollar question. Time will tell, but I think these early signs are good. There are so many WS's out there who don't even reach a stage of realization of the damage and harm they'd done. They don't care.

There's been a lot of encouraging words said to me throughout this thread, but Pogre I just want you to know I keep revisiting your first comment. I was in a bit of a downward spiral when I initially posted and no one in my inner circle ever experienced infidelity, but your first reply resonated and I keep going back to that and rereading it. You may be a complete stranger, but you should know I appreciate it and I keep revisiting it. I didn't know what to expect posting in some anonymous forum, but it's been incredibly helpful. I hope no one I know will ever experience infidelity, but when it inevitably happens I'm obligated to help wherever I can; or at least point them here.

When I read your story it really resonated with me as well. Your wife sounds very, very similar to mine, and your story really aligns in many ways with mine. When I discovered what my wife had been up to and confronted her, she at least admitted she was in an affair, but lied, minimized details and events, obfuscated and said and did some pretty horrible things.

That went on for a month before I started calling lawyers in front of her, the dam broke and she came clean about everything. Her words and actions after I found out are what almost destroyed us, not so much the affair itself. It was the worst month of my 55 years of life.

I was in your shoes a year ago. I know the pain and confusion you were feeling all too well, and I wanted to let you know you weren't alone, that there were some positive signs, and that with the right person and attitude it's possible to salvage a broken relationship.

I was so lost and confused when I found this place and the feedback and support I got was invaluable. I had instinctively done some of the "right" things, but also made some mistakes. I got some much needed help here, and want to pay it forward so I've stuck around. It makes me very happy to know that I was able to resonate with you and if it helped in any way it makes me feel like my time here is not wasted. So thanks for the positive feedback.

Right now, just keep an eye on her. Pay attention to what she says, but don't put too much into it. Her actions are what counts. If her actions align with her words then she's on the right path. It's going to take a long time before you can even start to feel like you can trust her again, but if she remains consistent it'll slowly start coming back. I still don't have my guard down, but I'm no longer hyper vigilant. The mental images and mind movies are still happening but aren't hitting me as often. Things are slowly improving, but it takes longer than anyone wants it to. It's definitely not a sprint. It's a marathon.

One thing that's come from this is that our communication has improved so much. We talk about everything now. Nothing is off the table and she confides in me about everything. We spend entire afternoons now just talking sometimes. No TV, no devices and no distractions. Intimacy has gone through the roof. It's daily now, and has been for the last year. We should have had this a long time ago. There have been many improvements in our relationship. What really grinds my gears is that we could have had it without the heartbreak and betrayal.

I don’t know if this will help you, but I had no intention of reconciling with my husband after D-Day2 of affair 2 and he was planning to divorce me to be with the other woman.

There was a three week window before I was going to file for a divorce, given that it was the holiday season. Somehow, in those three weeks, I saw changes that my husband was making to start to try to make amends.

At the point that I was going to actually start the divorce process it was my counselor who suggested that maybe there was some hope and it would be an opportunity to wait another 30 days to see if the changes were going to be permanent. It was also an opportunity to see if he was really committed to the marriage.

I can honestly say that we are 12 years past the year from hell and I have not had any reason to suspect my husband of being the lying cheating jerk he was. He has not gone back to his ego driven himself like he was during his affair.

I may be one of the lucky ones. I recognize that I also needed to make some changes. For instance, I stop being a doormat and started holding him accountable for everything.

Maybe there is hope and overtime you will see the cheating spouse has really changed. It will only work if two people are committed to reconciliation, but please don’t feel as though you are locked in to a decision.

As the betrayed, you always have the option of changing your mind if you really feel as though an affair is just a dealbreaker or the attempt at reconciliation was just one of those false hopes and the cheater actually did not commit. For some cheaters, they cannot maintain monogamy and putting the marriage first for a long period of time.

I hope this helps. You understand what you are facing. Reconciliation is a long recovery process. But if you start to see early warning, signs that the cheater just can’t commit, I think it’s best to end the marriage, than prolong the pain.

I think you two are on a good path.
And great you found a voice in Porge. It’s always good to have someone that’s walked a comparable path and can possibly offer you some guidance.

I want to leave you with a couple of pointers:
As per my first post on your situation: Definitions matter. There was a sexual factor in this affair, as per the explicit content shared. No doubt a lot "better" than discovering more traditional sexual intimacy, but it’s always best to work towards reconciliation from the truth. Rather than maybe saying (in a couple of years) "Thank God this wasn’t sexual" then it might be "Thank God this didn’t go beyond online sex".
This matters in so many ways, not least to understand how close to the edge she pushed the marriage.
Not saying this to make reconciliation harder, but turning a blind eye to this is a bit like ignoring a stone in your shoe while trying to run a marathon. All in all it’s a minor factor, but can make that run more difficult compared to simply dealing with it now.

Second pointer:
Nothing you did or did not do as a husband – work too much, ignore her, not do the chores… whatever… justifies her actions. They might explain why she reached some point where she decided to enter this affair, but not justify. If she had issues she needed to address them within the marriage – and you needed to be attentive to her complaints.
Why is understanding this important? Well… if there was a situation in your marriage you were unaware of and that explains why she had to have an affair then what could you do to prevent it? Like… you forget to take out the trash, or compare her meatloaf to your moms and that would "explain" why she can hit on the guy next door?

As part of reconciliation then maybe decide NOW that at any time either of you can call a "meeting" where they can outline an issue as "serious". When that is done, you both need to understand that for the other the issue warranted this meeting, and it needs to be resolved. Even if the other isn’t 100% in agreement.
For example: Imagine you spent every Saturday from 8 to 4 playing golf with your buddies, or stopped at a bar every Friday after work. You might not see this as an issue, but she might. Meeting – you need to find a compromise that fits better with family life, family needs and her needs.

Third:
Think of reconciliation as an ongoing eternal process.
I like to think of it like living a healthy lifestyle. The affair is where you wake up in ER after a cardiac arrest. You are told by the medical staff that your stressful lifestyle, your two-packs-per-day smoking habit, your hamburger and fries lunch and your evenings on the couch is what got your health to the stage your arteries clogged up.
For the first couple of years after you get out of ER you might be hitting the gym twice per week, in between your twice weekly five-mile jogs, your yoga and meditation sessions, eating salmon and chicken, hypnosis for the smoking and whatever. It’s intense and planned.
At some point you can ease off. But chances are you will still exercise. Maybe not the same intensity, but it’s become a part of your daily life.

To me that’s reconciliation. It’s most intense NOW and the next 2-3 years. But at some point you and your wife will have a system of trust. You will have communication. You will have ongoing understanding of expectations and goals and all that. Just like the exercise – at some point then you can ease off, but you never allow yourself back to the old habits.

As per my first post on your situation: Definitions matter. There was a sexual factor in this affair, as per the explicit content shared. No doubt a lot "better" than discovering more traditional sexual intimacy, but it’s always best to work towards reconciliation from the truth. Rather than maybe saying (in a couple of years) "Thank God this wasn’t sexual" then it might be "Thank God this didn’t go beyond online sex".
This matters in so many ways, not least to understand how close to the edge she pushed the marriage.
Not saying this to make reconciliation harder, but turning a blind eye to this is a bit like ignoring a stone in your shoe while trying to run a marathon. All in all it’s a minor factor, but can make that run more difficult compared to simply dealing with it now.

This is so true. To be honest it took awhile for her to use the "A" word around this. She didn't think of it as an affair because there was no physical component. Rather, earlier on anyway (when caught) she acknowledged it was an inappropriate relationship outside of the marriage. Although I still called it an emotional affair in my earlier message, I've changed the verbiage when talking to her about it and just call it an affair. And since she has acknowledged it indeed was an affair and the sexual component behind it. Which is a little weird because she assures me she wasn't sexually attracted to him (I may be bias but he really was no Brad Pitt...and i've seen a lot of him) , she just got butterflies and a high when he was responding/groveling to her pictures.

Nothing you did or did not do as a husband – work too much, ignore her, not do the chores… whatever… justifies her actions. They might explain why she reached some point where she decided to enter this affair, but not justify. If she had issues she needed to address them within the marriage – and you needed to be attentive to her complaints.
Why is understanding this important? Well… if there was a situation in your marriage you were unaware of and that explains why she had to have an affair then what could you do to prevent it? Like… you forget to take out the trash, or compare her meatloaf to your moms and that would "explain" why she can hit on the guy next door?

Deep down I know I'm not responsible for this, but the intrusive thoughts creep in. Did she get a haircut in October I didn't notice? Did she want to cuddle and watch a movie one night and I went to bed instead? Little stuff like that I play back, but it's more to improve myself going forward. I don't blame myself for the affair and she gets "mad" at me when I acknowledge shortcomings prior because this affair was more about her than us. It's just re-channeling those self deprecating thoughts to improving the marriage going forward.

Thank you Bigger, much like Pogre your advice has been very well received

@The1stwife

Thank you, that was very helpful. That's what I was looking for when I initially posted. Before I found this site, the general online consensus (well Reddit if we count that cesspool as a viable source) was forget about reconciliation your marriage is ruined. I appreciate you retelling your story.

My guard is still very high and while we are doing much better even only a few months out she and I both know we have years of baby steps to get better. I referenced a girls trip at a music festival in an earlier post and just this morning she said "I can't believe I was even considering going to that, let's sell the ticket and do a family trip." She is hyper focused on reconciliation and I appreciate it, but I still am on high alert about everything.

We should have had this a long time ago. There have been many improvements in our relationship. What really grinds my gears is that we could have had it without the heartbreak and betrayal.

Holy hell does this resonate Pogre (and thanks for the other part of your message). This one really resonates/stings as I have said almost word for word the same thing.

We're spending nights together now without devices just talking. A lot of times about the A but a lot of times just kids, the goals they scored in soccer, how our days were, etc. Our marriage is weirdly better now than it was before if it wasn't for this looming mental paralysis from the affair we're working through.