He never asked to come back; he never tried to hoover me in or love bomb me...what was wrong with me that he could give up so easily after 28 years?
This is still likely to happen, in years or months or weeks, but is a common occurrence.
Maybe is more common for betrayed men to see their cheater pop up along the way and probe if they have still a chance with this or that excuse. Sure it does happen with ex girlfriends too sometimes, but with cheating exes In my experience is not a matter of if, just of when.
The reality never holds up to the fantasy, and when they cheated they leaned in into a complete emotional fantasy, what was felt was a performance trying to cover and endless void, not real genuine emotional connection like the one you have in a healthy relationship.
So the moment the cheater "wins " the affair partner the clock starts the countdown. When they get cheated back , realize the truth or even regret what they have done, the mind goes back to what they destroyed.
When they are alone at night, when the only thing keeping them company is their old same, still unfilled void.
It might stop at "what if" or they may muster the courage to try to get in touch with you, that’s depending on how much "courage " or shame this person has in the moment.
But when there’s no audience to watch, no public feeding validation to the void, when you are alone with yourself, the mind lingers.
You did not lose and they didn’t win. But while you moved on without their issues weighing in your life anymore, they still carry it all, because they can’t escape themselves.
Probably reformed waywards can tell you more, or give you a different perspective, especially those who regret but lost their BS forever.
PS
Oh by all means:
Please don’t take this as "hopium" that he will come back, realizing the mistake and begging for another chance, I say it because your nervous system is surely riding on that fantasy as it believes the person who wounded you is the one who can make the pain go away. That is called trauma bonding.
In the contrary, betrayal is abuse, one of the worst possible by all means. You are free from your abuser. You can and probably will completely heal, something that is way harder for reconciling couples.
Wayward who reconcile are a different breed than those who run away with the AP. They might carry the same issues but they find the strength to face the inner ghosts and accept the fallout of the nuke they detonated in their relationship. You ex is not like this, he is broken and weak.
You will find a better man if you so choose.
The day this happen, if this happens, you will see how zero you will care for this guy once you healed. Like he never existed before. Imagine just stepping into a dog’s drop while walking in a park. It smells but once you removed it an the stench fades you are not going to feel anything anymore at all.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:33 PM, Sunday, April 12th]
