SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After being with my husband (now WS) since college, 32 years, my identity always involved him. It was him and me and we were best friends, so happy. Obviously this changed over the years, but I am now realizing how much I leaned on him. It felt good to have someone to lean on for many reasons. Now that I am on my own, this is so new for me and such a change in my life. I am working on accepting it, but it will take time after being in a committed relationship for so long. I have to start over, move out of my beloved home, get a full time job to support myself (I have recently worked part time as a substitute teacher bc of an autoimmune disease that has kept me from working full time). I have two degrees (undergrad business and masters in education), but I’m lacking current work place experience. I was a full time teacher before I had children. I have a bit of excitement about starting over but this decision was forced on me/unexpected and honestly, I’m scared. Have any of you been in this similar situation and how did you deal with the fear of starting over (particularly for me at age 52)? Some days I feel mighty and confident and like "I got this" and others I am on a ball on my couch ponding "how in the world am I going to be able to do this?!!" I don’t want fear to hold me back.

Iam a bit younger and I was in my 20 when she betrayed me and left me for the AP for few months.
No matter what is your age, the feeling of hopelessness is the same, intense, painful, cruel, crushing and scary for the future, because of the attachment wound.

What happened then it was overcompensating, I challenged myself to compete and win in education, work, seduction. I was having fun in running job interviews for positions I was not interested to entertain with the goal to see if I was capable of impressing so much to be offered leadership positions that were not on the table to begin with. Turns out I could.

I reordered my student life to make up for the time "sacrificed " for the relationship between me and my cheater. I reclaimed a lot of my pride in that short time and proved myself that I can not only survive this, but thrive beyond what a life with her would have offered.

This is likely the energy and excitement that you do feel now, and it is positive.

But careful with the energy, must be channeled into healing your body,life and soul.

There is a risk of pitfalls like dopamine rush, and I walked right into it the moment my body started to resensitize toward the other sex and the need of a relationship.

Which will come in a healthy way, but for me I didn’t heal the trauma wound enough yet (was a matter of weeks) and so I unconsciously moved from the path of self centered healing to the path of external validation from women.

So i basically gathered a harem of girls with who my wounded self didn’t wanted more than superficial, sexual connection because it was still bleeding, and as a result right after the short lived dopamine rush of the conquest I was thrown back into the abyssal void of the pain and loss, because it was nothing like what I had lost, just sex and refrain from connection, and all the misery came back full force.

Then to counter that I dropped them all and choose one girl with who I trauma bonded, it wasn’t love it was desperation and a parody of what I felt I’ve lost.

Haven’t I done that, when my wayward came back shortly after I initiated this relationship, I likely wouldn’t have taken her back, let her influence and lead me to radical changes to my life, career and future, and would have saved me from her further betrayals.

And I wouldn’t have break the heart of this other girl who suffered my hurt projections and really fell for me.

So about your worries, how are you going to do that?

Well you already are. The energy surge you feel is telling. You got rid of your abuser from your life, now it’s a problem between two unworthy pigs rolling in the mud, nothing worthy of your consideration, because they chose that.

Your mind is playing the usual game "at my age…" and I tell you: at your age you live like at your any past age you lived.

Since we are conceived we start to die with every next heartbeat. How many left is not our concern.

What it matters is you, here, now. You live, you feel, you desire.
Focus on it, on your healing and your future journey will take naturally shape. Work, growth and love will follow naturally with your fulfilling feminine energy. And for how painful your betrayal was, the healing process will make you stronger and you’ll be respecting your self so much, you will never settle for such a low quality man once again. You will not even attract them, you attract people who reflect your own self worth.

Higher value healed you, higher value men in your future romantic life if you chose so.

Good luck sister.

I had to start over in my 30’s.

We had relocated, and the job market was awful. I kept a long list of places I had applied to, and the result of applying. I did that because lots of people were helping with suggestions, but the job market was just awful. I ended up applying to over 100 places before I finally got hired. (This was before you could apply anywhere online, so this was in-person, going door to door.)

I started work. About a month into the job, they laid off a bunch of us, including me.

I was back on the street looking for a job.

At this point, I had been working a very part-time job, once a month, just two evenings, for extra money. It was at the local college.

As I drove away from being laid off, I thought about all of the things that every job application asked - and the one thing was "college education". I had no degree, just three semesters.

So I drove to the college. I enrolled. I had no idea what my major was going to be, so I just signed up for several classes.

And then I went to the guy who had me working for those two evenings. I asked him if I could do the work during the day.

I had the best luck that day. He hired me for as many hours as possible under "student" rules. But then he called HR, and had them bill his unit for my tuition. And he worked around my class schedule.

My guardian angels were in full force that day.

It took me about two semesters to figure out my major. I spent 33 years in my career after graduating.

I was scared, I was desperate, but I just kept going. Finally it opened up for me.

Hang in there. You can do this.

I was 50 when he walked out after 25 years, so I fully understand the fear and discomfort.
One thing that helped was that I realized that he FELT safe and like a safety net, but in reality I was really doing a lot if not most of the heavy lifting in the relationship. Sure he was handy, but I did all the other things. And I was competent. And it was all an illusion of safety since he had been having an LTA. I had been on my own, just didn’t know it. Kinda like when dad has let go of the bike without the training wheels and you are riding on your own but you THINK dad is still there. So trust that you can do this because you really have been doing it all along.

I was working full time but got laid off/fired after DDAY because I was a basket case and my boss was a jerk. I was scared, and since I was not technically married to my WS, I had no right to any spousal support or money. I took a job that I know would be kinda easy for me but have medical insurance and just enough to pay the bills. I spent a couple years there healing and get my feet under me, then I decided to get my masters at night and that propelled me into a fabulous job where I still am. My WS would not have supported me getting my masters despite me supporting him through higher education, so it felt great to do and really boosted my confidence.

The net- the road is wide open. Work with your lawyer to know your budget and then find a simple place to live. You can rent for a bit ( i rented for 2 years while I decided if I wanted to stay in the area or move back east). Just take the next step. Place to live. Job. As you heal, you will see what path you want to take and you will have the energy for it. If you can do IC, even via BetterHelp or an online one, do it. It helps to have someone in your corner helping you emotionally navigate all this.

I promise life is good now. I love my job, I love my house, I love my 2 cats (XWS would only allow me to have one cat at a time and 2 is much better for them). My friend group has expanded exponentially and are fabulous. It took a bit of time and more than a few tears, but I am really happy.

Also, there’s a post pinned to the top of the Separation /Divorce forum about fear vs reality. I found that helpful and highly recommend you read it. Lots of good folks in that forum to help cheer you on and offer advice/perspective as you navigate the net chapter.

You got this. Growth happens in the uncomfortable spaces - you are going to grow into the most beautiful next phase of your life.

Lotus6065

When I was just out of puberty, joined Boy Scouts (that was back when it WAS BOY scouts) and did so for comradery and outdoor activities - mostly hikes and camping.

One weekend a hike was planned (always voluntary participation) of 30 miles. Yay - chance to get away from house (parents were alley cats) and do something not around drinking and smoking.

YIKES! I find out the 30 miles is TWO DAYS! 10 first day and 20 the second. AW HXXX I think - I'll give it a go.
So I did. I just made up my mind that I had to try in order to test myself. After all, over 20 members of the troop has signed up.

How do you start a 30 mile hike?

ONE STEP AFTER ANOTHER! Simple eh? When doing that first step, just thinking about staying upright and moving.

So why tell you this?

You have involuntarily been forced onto a hike - unknown as yet how far but YOU ARE ON A HIKE! So, start walking!
Find things to do. Try dating (worse that can happen is you end up with wacko or a dullard) and realize it will be a learning experience. Think also of the possibility of having a date with another man whose spouse "did him in." But don't talk to much about the common experience until some time after the bond develops - if it does.

Take up a hobby. Join an interest group. Glass making stuff? Watercolor painting class? How about a Chess club. (OK that one tongue-in-cheek) Think of teaching again? Perhaps take a college course to bolster you resume'

Possible to take up a hobby that really takes concentration? For me, I spent a year making furniture. (Still have all my digits too!) And dated, just dinner and a movie and no further entanglements. Just company and a chance to see a decent movie after a nice dinner somewhere.

You can move forward towards that nirvana of (but keep the passions!) a better life.

One step at a time . . .

I found myself on my own right after I turned 54. Had become empty nesters just a couple of months before, so not only was WXH gone but the kids were gone as well. The house felt extremely empty and quiet.

I quickly discovered that life on my own was just like BearlyBreathing said: I'd been on my own for a while and just didn't realize it. So there were a lot of things about starting over that came more easily than I'd expected, because I'd already been carrying that load but now didn't have to negotiate with a spouse.

One thing that helped me was focusing on getting to know myself again. What were the things that I'd stopped doing or put aside over the years that I could now reclaim? A simple one was listening to the news on the radio in the morning while getting ready. I'd always gotten up for work before H and so always tried to shower and dress quietly, while he was still sleeping. Without him there, I could listen to the news every morning, and I soon felt more informed about the world than I had been in years! Another was to get back into more serious cooking. When H and the kids were around, I was just trying to get food on the table between kids' activities and homework so we could eat as a family. Then it was just me, and I discovered I was perfectly happy spending two hours cooking every now and then after work to seriously cook from scratch and make something I really enjoyed, even if it meant having a late dinner. There were a lot of small things like this, and if you cobble enough of them together, you build yourself a new life.

As the saying goes, I lost a spouse but found myself. And you'll figure it out too - you've got this!