SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been a minute at since I posted, but things are going generally okay. We are doing some couple sessions focused on how to communicate. Seems odd for a couple in their early 50s who have been married for 32 years, but this is a muscle we have never used in our marriage.

Wondering if other waywards have battled insomnia and/or nightmares (specifically about the infidelity). I do not think they are necessarily related other than when I wake from a nightmare and my cortisol is spiked making falling back asleep difficult. I am very reluctant to try any sleep aids other than magnesium and melatonin.

I find that I often think about the infidelity when I cannot sleep and this creates a vicious cycle and also probably triggers some nightmares when I finally get brief periods of sleep.

Looking for any suggestions as this is starting to take it's toll on both my physical and mental health.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 1:33 PM, Sunday, April 12th]

Hi FVL,

I am incredibly saddened to hear about your nightmares and insomnia.

This is something I struggled with for over 10 years before I confessed my A. Every night I was plagued with severely anxious thoughts about my A, and at times I had full blown panic attacks.

A few tips that helped me:
- create a bedtime routine that tells your body "I am safe, I am going to sleep peacefully". Maybe drink some tea, journal, meditate, avoid noisy or negative distractions like TV/phones
- it helped me to have a positive distraction as I fell asleep. This could be white noise, or sometimes I would listen to The Sleepy Bookshelf podcast (a woman reading classic novels as bedtime stories to help you drift off to sleep).
- thought challenges: as you’re laying in bed trying to sleep, focus on certain thought challenges. An example is: name 5 things you’re grateful for or 5 good things that happened that day. Or think back to a location of a happy childhood memory and walk through that location in detail. Visit each room, try to remember everything you can down to the furniture, sounds, textures, etc.

However, for longer term, I think you should work with an IC on possibly reprocessing your memories and traumas. Maybe EMDR or brain spotting. This helped me quite a bit with flashbacks.

Also, utilize mantras. Intentionally write down some mantras to repeat when you have flashbacks. Things like "I am safe. I have come clean and I am living in integrity. I am doing everything I can to heal. I am committed to being a good husband and supporting my wife through R."

Good luck, I wish you both the best