SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone

I am new here and wanted to introduce myself and share a brief summary of my situation.

I have been married for 28 years and with my husband for 29. We have two children and have built a full life together. Over the years we have supported each other through health issues, parenting and difficult family dynamics.

Recently I discovered that early in our marriage during these difficult times, before we had children, my husband was unfaithful multiple times. This included seeing sex workers on four occasions in this country, and two back to back brothel visits during a stag trip in Amsterdam. Six altogether.

He also had an inappropriate emotional involvement at that time with a married work colleague who was unhappy in her relationship and confided in my husband about her lack of intimacy at home. I had a strong suspicion about this at the time but was reassured it was platonic.

He even introduced me to her, and she was openly unpleasant towards me. At one point she lent him a copy of the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" and suggested he watch it with me, which in hindsight feels inappropriate given what was going on. We also met socially as couples, which now feels deeply uncomfortable.

I have since learned they kissed on two occasions and met for secret drinks repeatedly.

All of this was hidden from me for 24 years.

The discovery has been extremely difficult. I went through shock, anger, disgust and constant mental replay, which I know many of you will understand. I now feel I finally have the details I need for my own clarity and I am no longer asking questions about the past.

At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward, and I have been clear that rebuilding requires trust, honesty, transparency and accountability. I am focusing on how he shows up now rather than continuing to dissect what has already happened, as I have already spent months dealing with nightmares and intrusive thoughts.

I am not in a place of making any final decisions yet. I am taking the next few weeks to observe behaviour, stay grounded and see whether this relationship aligns with my standards going forward.

I would appreciate hearing from others who are further along in this process, especially around rebuilding trust and managing the emotional waves.

Thank you

ButterflyInProgress

Hey butterfly , sorry you joined the club but welcome, you will leave it stronger even if now you can’t see it yet.

Know nothing of this is about you or your fault in any way, you weren’t ever even given a choice here.

Betrayal is one of the deepest traumas there is, right on the top echelon, so you be prepared for the ride on the roller coaster from hell. That too will pass.

Finding out decades after means absolutely nothing, the nerve system doesn’t comprehend time, it’s exactly like it happens now, so care for it, don’t allow the excuse of past to damage your chances of healing.

You need to process your emotions to begin putting order in the chaos, talking in such a space is helpful because above it all, you need to be heard, your nerve system desperately begs for it.

You have been heard.

You will meet a lot of empathy and insight here from BS like you and reformed WS that can help to navigate your personal odyssey.

I must raise you a red flag 🚩 in case you are not yet aware of it

At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward

That’s not guilt, it’s shame, very different.

Shame is selfish and completely ignores your wounds and healing. It is saying " I feel uncomfortable to see how my behavior destroyed you in your most intimate self and identity. Please move on and let’s pretend this never happened because I don’t like to confront what I did. Suffer in silence and do not bother me or I will feel bad for myself"

There is nothing for you in this. Is still the full fledged cheater pattern. Don’t accept it at any point, this should be an iron boundary.

Guilt is empathy, shame is still cheating pattern. You will learn the difference, red flag raised to help you protecting your self.

Thank you Backfromthestorm, that really resonated… I am trying to stay grounded and observe behaviour over time...

How did you discover these infidelities?

If your H has been faithful for 24 years, what caused your H to change?

Does your H understand this may have been 24 years ago for him, but it's right now for you?

Have you checked out https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/ ?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Have faith in yourself to heal.

Thank you sisoon, I appreciate your response.

He disclosed this to me himself as he said he could no longer live with what he described as his past and the guilt around it.

There was also something more recent that triggered my instincts, as someone he interacted with gave me a very similar feeling to his previous work colleague, which brought everything to the surface.

I had no prior knowledge about the sex workers at all- that was the bigger shock

From what I can see, this behaviour was limited to a period early in our relationship before we had children. I am still processing whether that reflects a phase or something deeper, so I am observing behaviour now rather than drawing conclusions.

Yes, I have explained clearly to him that while this was years ago for him, it is very current for me. He does understand that in principle, although I think he is still struggling with the emotional weight of it.

Thank you for the link, I will take a look.

Personal view you may see if it resonates in your case or make any sense.

You mentioned the sex workers shocked you.

I am a guy in my teens I have been with sex workers, prostitutes or escorts, a few times. It was stressful and not as pleasant as you fantasize sex with a woman should be, you mostly cave to peer pressure and the idea this will give you confidence, almost every guy I know has been through this at some point, but I know exactly only one person who actually enjoys sex workers and he is a compartmentalizer.

After that initial immature experiences they lost any attraction to me, I even had a friend (not close but she told a bit about her side of the coin)in the business, stripper - sex worker and is one of the few women I have actually never wanted to get physical with.

From my experience the guys I know have been through similar phases, go to when young and stupidly insecure, find it disappointing and forget about it when they find out the real thing.

Not that I think what about sex workers, it’s a choice and likely even helpful for some people when they are lonely or have other problems.

It’s just fine, their choice.
If a man is in a relationship and sleeps with a sex workers, it’s fucked up in my judgement.
There are issues unaddressed and big ones in my opinion.

As I said the only guy I know who still does that today, so a man, no longer an insecure teenager, is a compartmentalizer. He has a woman even if is a situation ship for him (for her I doubt is still but don’t know her much) is going on for years. He’s not the kind of player who seduces girls, he is your average guy, but when he feels like he goes to sex workers without batting an eye. No guilt no shame, in a complete different life box than his woman. Ask him he will tell you exactly that.

Maybe your husband was having a similar character flaw or compartmentalization traits, and with time something changed within him and he couldn’t keep it separated and hence secret anymore ?

Just a thought.

No excuses for the choice in my eyes though, he was not single, he was with you. That’s fucked up

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing that perspective. The idea of compartmentalisation does resonate to an extent, and it is something I am reflecting on. I agree that regardless of context, the fact it happened within a relationship is the key issue for me. At the moment

I am focusing on observing behaviour now rather than trying to fully explain the past.

You give me the feeling of a strong woman, even if you are obviously experiencing relational shock that might impact and dissociate, which is natural by the way, do not worry, I get the feeling you have more clarity I had when in your shoes.

Yes you are absolutely right, behavior observation and iron boundaries are the most important thing for you right now.

WS will go through a process even when they are genuinely wanting to amend and reconcile the issues and old patterns don’t break like nothing.

Lies, trickle truths and minimization are just some of the coping mechanisms that can take hold. Especially if he is like you say, a compartmentalizer.

It needs work and commitment to heal unresolved issues of that magnitude. The WS heals the WS. You, the BS, heal yourself.

And you can only heal when you put yourself first and protect your peace from further destruction.

Time will tell you how you will feel and if there is a chance, and will from your side, to reconciliation.

That is the last step by the way, it can only begin when you are both healed enough. Anything before that will end in a false R.

Keep coming here and sharing whenever you need to let out your emotions out.

They will change and drive you crazy sometimes, never repress them in , here theirs is people who can understand what is like, it will help.

Not trying to understand the past is good right now, that need will show up later and demands satisfaction, worry about when it comes naturally, because we will never fully grasp the why of the past, the WS alone has usually difficulties into explaining themselves.

Above all it doesn’t matter, all that matters is just you, your feelings, right now.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:52 PM, Sunday, April 12th]

Thank you, I really appreciate this. The point about observation, boundaries and focusing on my own healing resonates a lot.

I agree that time and consistent behaviour will show what is real, so I am staying grounded in that.