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Has anyone else’s spouse or partner developed PTSD or complex PTSD as a result of your affair.

Looking back, I believe my husband likely had undiagnosed PTSD long before my affair. After disclosure, I learned about significant childhood trauma that he had never shared with me, and he also went through cancer and treatment, which I believe added another layer of trauma. Then my infidelity introduced betrayal trauma on top of everything else. He’s since been diagnosed with C-PTSD.

I’m trying to better understand what life is like for someone living with C-PTSD and what my role should be as a spouse. At times, he becomes overwhelmed by his emotions. Things that seem small to me can trigger very intense reactions for him. Things like slamming his fist on the table because he feels the food took too long at a restaurant, extreme road rage. When he’s dysregulated, he can become very angry, say hurtful things, or expect me to remain calm while he struggles to control his own emotions. He often expects me to try to calm him. Once he’s regulated he sometimes sees things differently.

I know he’s carrying years of unresolved trauma, along with the trauma of cancer and the betrayal trauma from my affair and the damage I have caused. I love him, and I truly want to understand how to support him while also learning what a healthy response from me should look like during those difficult moments.

For those of you whose spouse has PTSD or C-PTSD:

* How do you cope with the emotional highs and lows?
* How do you respond when they’re triggered or dysregulated
* How do you support them without completely losing yourself?
* Where do you draw the line between understanding that PTSD is real and still expecting accountability for hurtful behavior?
* Has therapy helped, and if so, what approaches have made the biggest difference?

I’m not looking for judgment—either toward him or toward me. I’m genuinely trying to learn from people who have lived through something similar because this can feel like a very lonely journey and I am struggling.

I wanted to at least respond here, partly so you know you have been heard and also perhaps if it bumps back to the top it might get a little more attention.

I remember a few BS’s who have said they were diagnosed but I can’t thi k of a we who said their bs was diagnosed. We may not have enough variety of ws here to be able to help.

I think you are asking excellent questions as it sounds like you want to take accountability while maintaining reasonable boundaries. It does sound hard and lonely.

I will say some of this still can resonate with some ws here—-many bs might exhibit these behaviors without the ptsd diagnosis. I certainly remember the emotional roller coaster of the first year.

Some things that helped manage that:

Coming to an agreement with him on some of these things. What do you need when you are flooding , what do you think is the best way we can deescalate? Do you need space or do you reassurance, to have held, hold hands, etc?

My guess is he may not know some of the answers but making some agreements make the outcomes a shared responsibility. Maybe look together at breathing exercises and things that can help him regulate and make it something you can do together.

I don’t think I have given an adequate answer as this was not my circumstances but I thought maybe I could get the ball rolling for you. Generally though, the more you can approach this as a couple while ensuring that both people have a voice of what they need has been a guiding post for many who are going through that roller coaster.

I hope now that he has the diagnosis he is working with someone professional who might be able to help him begin to heal, and perhaps that professional can help the two of you establish the kind of framework I am so poorly describing.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:32 PM, Tuesday, August 11th]

I just reviewed your other posts. I didn’t catch you all were in year three or that he has pressured a lot towards swinging or nonmonogamist relationships.

From your questions you seem to understand you need to put up some boundaries and I do think that is the proper instinct. It sounds like you have really kept buckled in.

I do hope now that there is a diagnosis that there is a treatment plan. But if this is more of an abusive relationship, I just hope you don’t feel
Obligated to stick it out because you cheated or because he is having these issues. You deserve emotional and physical safety. I realize you feel guilt and ashamed for exacerbating these issues but what was he like before all this?

Hikingout

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Before this he had anger issues but since the betrayal trauma it has gotten much worse. I truly want to figure out how to help him or just at least how to better understand his behavior. I talked with my therapist today and she said going forward this will be one of the things we work on, supporting him through his ptsd.