SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out that my wife of 2 years (together for 7) cheated on me with a coworker (who lives elsewhere) multiple times while at a company conference.

For context, we’ve been struggling with intimacy issues and found ourselves going months between sex, not a lot of desire in the relationship. I struggle with depression and was on ssri’s for the last year and a half to help with things. I did genuinely feel better. It caused me to be emotionally flat and less desiring of her. She would bring this up when things got bad and I would try to make changes (planning sex, more dates, more physical contact). But we would fall back into the same patterns. I was also still trying to build a better exercise habit which has been difficult for me. All to say, it’s been many cycles of this.

I finally made the decision to wean off my meds (just completed this in June so the effects are still here), go to the gym more, and play a more active role in working on my emotional and physical connection with my wife. But it was too late.

She had a massive discussion with me early July where she said she was contemplating if we ever had a connection at all. She was thinking about whether she wanted to be with me. She felt I didn’t care about her, didn’t love her. I saw this as a swift kick in the butt and really set my mind to things. I talked about my plan and tried to set some time based goals to keep me motivated and accountable. I asked for some time so I could show I can be better. But she had already cheated a month before and was pulling away from me. I cuddled her more, planned surprises, tried to initiate sex. But she felt disgusted by what she’d done and turned me down every time.

Finally DDay in August where she shared she had cheated but gave no other details other than it happened and was over. She was expecting me to kick her out of the house and end things. But I love her with all my heart and was willing to work through it.

The next day we were texting and I was feeling like I could move past it. She asked why I loved her and wanted to be with her. I said all the things I’ve always said about her. I admire her creativity and passion for what she spends her time on. She takes care of herself and her friends. She’s taught me things that I want for me and she’s just so impressive to me. I ended by saying look it was one time and it’s over and we can work through it if we both choose to. But then I wondered (my anxiety kicked in), "Was it only one time?" No. It was multiple times and it was months ago and I had met the person. I had a face and a name that has been in my head since then.

I’m so unbelievably angry at my WW and at the AP an older married man with kids. I got all this news at work and had to go to my car so I could scream at the top of my lungs and punch something.

I don’t know how to feel because it’s all so fresh. She is the person I pictured my life with. Dreams of kids? She’s there. A house we could call our own? She’s there. Everything good in life, I picture her there with me. But now she isn’t sure she can be married to anyone. Not sure if she can be monogamous.

And now I’m left here and I don’t know where I am.

Then the next day I found out she lied about a lot more. It was both a EA and PA that lasted for 5 months. I texted the AP’s wife and she confirmed that they aligned work trips to be together. I found screenshots of messages between them, pictures she took for him. Disgusting.

And yet, I’m here wondering if it could be worked through. I know we haven’t been married long but we built something. I’m working on finding healthy separation for some time so we can both go to IC and begin to process. But I’m caught in the cycle of will it work or are we done.

Look, let us get the obvious out of the way first: yes, technically speaking, couples have survived worse than this and dragged their marriages back from the brink. You could spend the next five years of your life undergoing excruciating couples therapy, dissecting every text message, installing tracker apps on her phone, and analysing the exact tone of voice she uses when she says she is running late from the office. It is theoretically possible to rebuild a marriage after something like this, but the real question you need to ask yourself is why on earth you would actually want to sentence yourself to that kind of self-inflicted misery.

Right now, you are clinging to a version of your wife that simply does not exist. The woman in your head, the one who features in all your future plans about the house and the kids and the quiet afternoons, is a lovely ghost. The actual flesh-and-blood woman currently occupying your life spent five months orchestrating an entire double life with an older married bloke. She did not just slip up once in a drunken haze at a hotel bar; she deliberately aligned business trips, took photos for him, conducted a full emotional and physical affair, and then sat across from you in July watching you blame your SSRIs and scramble to plan dates and buy her presents to fix a marriage she was actively dismantling.

She let you take the blame for the dead bedroom while she was getting her needs met elsewhere, and then she trickle-truthed you until you had to go full private investigator with the other man’s wife just to get a shred of honest information. That level of calculated deceit takes a serious amount of effort. Trust is not a mirror you can just superglue back together and pretend the cracks add character. Every time she gets a notification on her phone, every time her train is delayed, and every time she has to travel for work, your stomach is going to drop into your boots. You will end up becoming a hyper-vigilant warden in your own home, and that is a soul-destroying way to live.

Love is a fantastic thing, but it is also completely overrated when it exists in a vacuum without respect, loyalty, or basic human decency. You can love someone with every fibre of your being and still recognise that they are utterly toxic for your health and peace of mind. You spent a year fighting through the mental fog of depression, weaning off medication, and trying to be a better partner, only to find out she was stabbing you in the back the entire time and then claiming she was not sure she was made for monogamy anyway.

You deserve someone who sees you struggling with your mental health and pulls you closer, not someone who uses it as an excuse to shop around for a replacement. There are millions of women out there who manage to go to corporate conferences without falling into bed with their colleagues, and who will love you without requiring you to audition for your own marriage while they lie to your face. You built seven years together, and it hurts like hell to write off that investment, but do not throw the next seventy years after it just because you are terrified of starting fresh. Take a deep breath, pack her bags or yours, and fully invest in self improvement. Get to a place where you are happy within yourself, as long as it take. Then when you are ready, give yourself the chance to meet someone who actually deserves the version of you that you worked so hard to rebuild.

You won't feel this now but I believe a fresh start will be good for you in the long run.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:48 AM, Wednesday, August 12th]

Reconciliation can work, this site was founded by a couple who reconciled.

But she has to put in the work. You both have to be in 100%. She’s telling you plainly that fixing herself and what she’s broken isn’t something she’s willing to do. Believe her.

If you’re doing the pick me dance stop at once. Go to the Healing Library here and check out the simplified 180. Consult with a lawyer and see what divorce looks like and file. In short, start moving forward out of infidelity.

If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow then you can consider if reconciliation is something you still want. But don’t try to drag her through it, it absolutely will not work.

Recognize the term "suicide by cop"?
That’s where someone might create a scenario that forces law-enforcement to shoot them. For example – grab someone and press a knife at their throat and wait for the cops, hoping they shoot him to save the persons life.

I’m thinking dump by infidelity here…
Why did your wife come and tell you about the affair and then tell you she expected you to dump her?
She wasn’t expecting a Taser – she was expecting the bullet.

I would seriously question her commitment to the marriage and press for THAT answer before even considering reconciliation.

I would seriously question her commitment to the marriage and press for THAT answer before even considering reconciliation.

Indeed, especially since she’s now saying

she isn’t sure she can be married to anyone. Not sure if she can be monogamous.

I doubt this by the way, this is just a way to make it less terrible in her mind. She isn’t a cheater, she’s just poly.Uh huh. That’s what you would say, I guess, if you didn’t want to grapple with the fact that you had an affair for 20% of your marriage.

What Bigger said. Was going to post much the same.

I was on a SSRI for several years, and it did me no favors. I weaned off a couple of years ago and still deal with some lingering side effects of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction), but my emotional flatness is going away. I'm actually capable of feeling joy and happiness again. We went through the same thing you describe, but for much longer. I experienced emotional numbing and blunting and loss of libido and it did no favors for my marriage. My wife also had an affair with a co worker.

Getting off of sertraline was probably the best thing I could have done, but like you said, it was a little too late and instead of turning toward the marriage and talking to me, my wife made some terrible choices.

That was 16 months ago, and with a little help from low dose tadalafil and a whole lot of talking our sex life and intimacy has not only been rekindled, it's exploded. It's been daily for us for the last 16 months. It's possible to recover from this.

I'm finding out that SSRIs were probably the worst thing I could have been prescribed as research and consultations are pointing toward a diagnosis of ASD level 1 for me. High functioning autism. Which explains SO MUCH about my entire life. It also explains why my "depression" was so medication resistant. I was experiencing autistic burnout. SSRIs are not only usually ineffective for autism, they can often make things worse. Which they did in my case.

I don't know if your situation is the same as mine because you describe the medication as having been helpful for you, but just know that the side effects can take a very long time to recover from. Years even, and in some cases PSSD can be permanent. But they can be mitigated. Just be mindful and aware of that. If you're still having issues with PSSD talk to your provider and they can come up with some solutions for it. If you weren't on it for a long time you can probably bounce back faster than I did. I was taking the max daily dose for several years.

You also need to know that no matter what was going on in your marriage that you're not to blame for your wife's choices. She had many other options and bringing a third party into a marriage will never fix it. This is 100% on her. Do not take any blame, do not rug sweep it, and do not do the pick me dance because it almost never works. She needs to own her choices and decisions if your goal is to reconcile.

Every SIer has a profile. Every profile includes a link to recent posts by the member. Some of the profiles include a lot of info in addition to the link; some don't. In evaluating posts, looking at a profile and recent posts can help a reader understand the mindset of a poster.

You could spend the next five years of your life undergoing excruciating couples therapy, dissecting every text message, installing tracker apps on her phone, and analysing the exact tone of voice she uses when she says she is running late from the office.

This is an image of R that bears little resemblance to reality.

Among other things, if a person in R has questions about what their partner thinks, does, or says, they bring up the issue and get it resolved. R requires addressing issues, all of them. R requires both partners to be active, not passive. R requires both partners to be ready to split if they hit an unresolvable issue.

If R is or becomes misery for a couple, the best thing to do is for the couple to meet and decide to change what they're doing - that is, stop the misery 1) by doing the work necessary for R or 2) by switching to D.

People who successfully R take responsibility for themselves, figure out what they want (D, R, or take time to gather more info), rebuild themselves, almost always through IC, consciously build a new M that serves both partners ... in short by commitment, honesty, work, daily ( sometimes more than daily) recommitment to one's partner, to keep working, and to one's M.

Read the Positive Reconciliation Stories, a thread that's pinned at the top of this page. That thread is from people who have had successes in R. The posts provide some indicators that you can apply to yourself and your WS - lots of similarities probably means R may be a good choice for you and your WS, lots of differences probably means R is not for you.

The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. That may look daunting, but remember: most of us start feeling a bit better 6-12 months from the last hurt (new information can set a BS's healing back). Then there's a slow rebuild of the ability to feel joy.

If you don't start feeling better over time, you probably need to change what you're doing.

*****

HurtingDreamer, some of what you write says R is possible; some says R may not be very likely. More info may help us provide guidance one way or another.

You'll find 2 types of guidance on SI. The first aims to help you decide what you want and figure out what's possible for you. The second tells you what to do. My reco is to rely more on the 1st type than the 2nd.

If both you and your W want to build a new M and if you both do the necessary work and if both of you are willing to be patient, R is possible. Not easy. Not guaranteed. Possible.

IMO, my reco is to dig deep inside and stay away from R unless you really think you want to spend the rest of your life with your W. You may not, and if that's the case, you can save yourself time and effort by choosing D now.

If you think you might want to R, look at your WS.

Has/will she become honest?
Does/will she answer your questions fully, or do you think she holds back the full story?
Does/will she take responsibility for her A or does she blame you for it?
Has/will she stopped minimizing?
Will she do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner?
Does she want to R?

If she won't commit fully to R, my reco is to put aside your own desire. R takes 2. You can't do it yourself.

*****

You're at a stage that is bad for all of us. It gets worse for some of us as the reality of being betrayed sets in. You have to navigate this period one way or another. You have a basic choice between stuffing your anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. and feeling it.

If you stuff your feelings, you're at risk of the pain festering and coming out years or decades from now. But there are safe and unsafe ways to feel the pain. A good IC can help you learn how to process thoughts and feelings safely.

IMO, we have to process the pain that comes with being betrayed no matter what we choose to do with the shattered relationship. Neither R nor D mitigates the pain of being betrayed.

*****

Keep in mind that your W has failed. You haven't. The A came out of her issues with herself, not from issues with your or your M.

Also, above all, have faith in yourself to heal. You've got the power you need.

I’m not going to point the finger and say that she’s been cheating on you with this guy your entire time together.

Only you can decide what you can live with and accept as part of your marital history.

Was this OM (other man) lurking in the background hoping for a chance? Who knows. But if you believe that your wife may have had feelings for him for a very long time, it might be a dealbreaker.

It doesn’t matter what "issues" you may have had.

Cheating is a choice. It’s a reflection of the person who chose to cheat, not the betrayed.

Just as an FYI the reconciliation process is harder than a D sometimes. Not overlooking messy D, but R takes 2 committed people to make it work.

Do you think your wife is committed to R?

I feel like this thread has gone a bit off-track.
There is no doubt in my mind that reconciliation is possible. There are numerous examples of couples that have dealt with infidelity and found a healthy path forwards, and found some form of "forgiveness" for the infidelity. Forgiveness and forgetting have nothing in common other than the first letter in both words.

What I firmly believe in though is that to reconcile certain basics are required. Some from the start, but some might become necessary milestones on the path of reconciliation.
One of the basic requirements necessary at the start is that BOTH parties need to WANT to reconcile. This is what I question in this situation. I’m wondering if the wife wants to divorce but doesn’t have the guts to call it. Therefore she has an affair, and then comes along and tells you about it in the hope YOU pull the trigger.
I also find her words (as per you) ambiguous.

Why did she share about the affair?
Why did she expect you to leave?
Why isn’t she committed to the marriage?

What I suggest is the following:
Ask her what she wants. "Don’t know isn’t really an answer". Let her know that ending the marriage is OK. It’s not necessarily what YOU want, but even less do you want to keep her forced in a marriage she doesn’t want.
You can tell her that you think reconciliation is possible, but that you realize it’s a lot of work, and if she isn’t committed to it then it’s best for BOTH of you to accept that and move your separate ways.
You can be clear it’s not your ideal solution, but it definitely beats emotionally forcing her to be where she doesn’t want to be.

IF she commits to the marriage. IF she tells you she wants to work on things…
Then and only then do you have a shot at reconciling.