SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't come on here anymore, but I wanted to add something to maybe give hope for those early in their journey or rebuilding/recovery. I used to stalk this forum desperately seeking "something" to make it all make sense, or to reassure me at times. If I'm honest I rarely got it, this forum (and rightly so) is like the emergency roon, it's full of people wounded and hurt in a catastrophic way, what I needed was to hear from those that had worked their way from emergency room to healed and that is hard to find in here. So here is a bit of hope, I am 17 months from discovery and honestly doing well, I now know this isn't something you "get over" it is something that becomes integrated, we still talk about it at times, but without the pain, I rarely have triggers and if I do, I know why and how to process them, I no longer live in fear or what if's. My husband and I have a marriage now that is stronger and more connected than it has ever been, do I wish we got here without him making devastating choices, of course, but we are here and I love the life I have now. Apologies for long post but if you are still reading, is recovery possible YES is a healthy marriage possibly YES is healing possible YES (no matter what the outcome of the marriage)

Your emergency room analogy is a very apt one. I see it the same way. I often think of couples going through this as being in the emergency room triage and generally speaking the betrayed spouse is often the one needing the most care and attention first.

So here is a bit of hope, I am 17 months from discovery and honestly doing well, I now know this isn't something you "get over" it is something that becomes integrated, we still talk about it at times, but without the pain, I rarely have triggers and if I do, I know why and how to process them, I no longer live in fear or what if's.

I'm at 16 months myself and I'm doing fairly well. I agree this isn't something you just "get over," but instead learn to integrate. However this is where we diverge. We still talk about it quite often, and there's definitely still some pain. I still have triggers and I'm still learning how to process them. It's been difficult for me on that end, but there's a possible explanation for that I may share in another thread eventually.

On a positive, like you, I no longer live in fear of the "what ifs."

My husband and I have a marriage now that is stronger and more connected than it has ever been, do I wish we got here without him making devastating choices, of course, but we are here and I love the life I have now.

This does describe my wife and I as well. I do love the life and the marriage we have now, but that dark shadow of the affair still hangs over me and affects me still sometimes. I don't know what all happened with your discovery day, but mine was brutal. It's considered a "hostile discovery." I put up with a lot for that first month before I'd had enough and started calling divorce lawyers right in front of my wife. That really changed the dynamics of what was happening at the time, but it really left some pretty deep scars. I think that's why I'm still struggling somewhat. Tho things have greatly improved between us.

Apologies for long post but if you are still reading, is recovery possible YES is a healthy marriage possibly YES is healing possible YES (no matter what the outcome of the marriage)

This was not an overly long post at all, and I for one really appreciate the update. I might be lagging behind you a bit, but I do believe recovery will be possible and we are reworking our marriage into a healthy one. I'm still working on the healing part, but I do believe it's within my grasp. The average time for recovery is often stated to be 2 to 5 years. I'm still well within that window and things are improving, so I'm very hopeful. Despite the hostile discovery I had, my wife has proven to be a model for reconciliation and her shift has gone a very long way toward my healing. I'm very happy to read about your rapid recovery and I hope things continue down this positive path for you. Thanks for the update!

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:49 PM, Wednesday, August 12th]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad your life is going the way you want it to go.

IMO, the people who are about as far from d-day as I was/am told me I was not alone. I almost always found someone who felt as I did; I was very grateful for their sharing. Their posts told me I wasn't crazy. The old-timers - a year or two or more out from d-day - gave me glimpses of what I might experience in the future. They helped me calm down when I felt a crisis was brewing or had already brewed.

Reading about BSes' experience almost always helped me.

AWESOME post...thank you so much for sharing !!

If I'm honest I rarely got it, this forum (and rightly so) is like the emergency roon, it's full of people wounded and hurt in a catastrophic way, what I needed was to hear from those that had worked their way from emergency room to healed and that is hard to find in here.

When one of the co-founders on this site was still alive...Deeply Scared...there were people who had happily reconciled who were posting more on here . There were also get-togethers where people could meet each other from this site if they wanted to! It has kind of gone by the wayside since she passed away...but there are people like YOU who keep hope ALIVE by posts like this !

I used to feel like you about this site though...I would cling to every piece of HOPE that was posted on here. I read through the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread and kept wondering WHY people who had happily reconciled wouldn't keep writing in here to give the rest of us encouraging words. I told myself that if I ever made it to being happily reconciled that I would pay it forward so I could give others who were so new and RAW to this some words of encouragement.

I understand now though why happily reconciled people don't always post as much on here. I have seen people tear into them at times...letting them know that they couldn't possibly be HAPPILY reconciled...they were just delusional. HAPPY reconciliation is NOT possible!! It is also hard to be on this site when you aren't IN infidelity anymore. Also...positive posts don't get the same amount of replies as negative posts. It doesn't take long before the positive posts get moved off of the first page...and never replied to again.

BUT...THIS post could live on in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the TOP of this Forum . All you need to do is copy YOUR post and then paste it into that thread . People will see the HOPE you have stated in YOUR reconciliation...and it will HELP them to see that it isn't always "full of people wounded and hurt in a catastrophic way" on here .

Thank you !!!

Nice update!

My husband and I have a marriage now that is stronger and more connected than it has ever been, do I wish we got here without him making devastating choices, of course, but we are here and I love the life I have now. Apologies for long post but if you are still reading, is recovery possible YES is a healthy marriage possibly YES is healing possible YES (no matter what the outcome of the marriage)

It isn’t the trauma any of us signed up for, but it can be overcome.

I prefer to think of the M now as in spite of what happened rather than because of it. Although, I’m not sure the distinction matters anymore if the M has evolved for the better.