SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’ve been feeling like crap for over two years. My self esteem is down. I feel u attractive and sexually inadequate.
I’ve told my wife that I need frequent reassurance and she has step it up a little bit but it’s just not frequent enough and not as strong of a reassurance as I would like.

I’m not sure what to do. If I tell her what to say or how often, it’s won’t work since I had to tell her.

It’s frustrating because it really doesn’t take a hole lot of effort from her. She just needs to say it more frequently and say things that would help me.

Even actions would work.

Like displays of public affection
Intimate sex
Keep her distance from other men
Stop smiling back at men
Tell me things that are truthful about my looks and body

Is there an issue with infidelity? It might help us help you if we know the situation a little better and understand the context and reasons your self esteem and feelings of inadequacy have been nagging at you for the last couple of years.

Sometimes just sitting a spouse down and laying it all out on the table is the right move. If she doesn't know how you're feeling or what you need she can't just read your mind and figure it out. I know this is said a lot, but communication really is the key for a successful relationship. Let her know your love language includes daily affirmations of love through small and simple words and actions.

Words of affirmation are nice, and certainly very important to some people, but...Have you considered not outsourcing your self-esteem to your wife?

I know you want her to want to do these things, and asking her would seemingly remove the "test" of whether she actually wants to do them. But I also think that sometimes spouses use different love languages, and are completely oblivious to how their partner wants to be shown love (and attraction), even if they feel it internally. If you did, for instance, ask her to hold your hand in public, or told her that compliments really help you feel loved and good about yourself, and it wasn't "natural" for her to do that... Would it not be sign that she cares about you if she simply listens to what you tell her and puts in the effort to give you what you need?

And certainly, it's important to communicate your boundaries around what kind of behavior you'll accept from your wife around other men. It's completely up to her whether she abides by them; you don't control her. But you do control how you respond.

After one of our talks about this...we came up with a phrase. I would tell my H two words..."say something"...and my H knew to start saying AND doing something to comfort me. It didn't take long for my H to start picking up on when I was triggering and then he would be able to reassure me without me even saying anything.

My wife and I had the same problem when it came to sex. I said I want spontaneity, creativity, CONSCIOUS EFFORT, etc.

Her: Just tell me what you want.

Me: I am not going to send you a script.

Her: Then how can I know what you want?

Me: Okay. From now on when you want me to spontaneously walk up behind you while you are standing at the kitchen counter making dinner and wrap my arms around you and kiss that spot on the side of the neck and say I love you, just let me know when to do it :/ Or when you want a spontaneous hug, or kiss, or an I love you, just send me a text with the date/time. You'll get what you want, exactly when you want it. I'm SURE it will feel the same as when I did it spontaneously :/

I said after more than two decades together if you haven't figured out what I like/want that tells me you have no interest in doing so

[This message edited by WB1340 at 2:35 PM, Thursday, August 13th]

Assuming you're a BS ...

So I’ve been feeling like crap for over two years. My self esteem is down. I feel u attractive and sexually inadequate.

Gently, the problem is in you, and so is the solution. No amount of external validation will make you fell good or sexually adequate or give you good self-esteem for more than a few seconds.

You are in charge of your meaning. You are in charge of building and maintaining your self esteem. You are in charge of your feeling of sexual adequacy.

Luckily, since you're in charge or yourself, you can do what you need to do. A god IC can help.

*****

Again, assuming you're a BS ....

Your W can't read your mind. I know it's counter-intuitive, but asking for what you want works best. I know 'say something' is more of a command than a request, but W2BH hit on an approach that works for her. My W ( the WS) actually asks me to say specific sentences when I'm not saying what she wants to hear.

The thing with requests is that they can be accepted or rejected. Too many rejections may mean the fit between 2 partners isn't close enough to maintain the relationship.

So ask for what you want.