SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am at a crossroads and looking for advice. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. I have a 19 year old son from a previous marriage and he and I have 2 elementary age children together.

In 2016, I had a strange feeling because he was acting strange and I uncovered proof that he had been seeing high end escorts (he’d only admit to the 2 I discovered)- no clue really for how long but he supposedly also cheated on his ex wife and that’s why they divorced. Of course I was CRUSHED- my oldest finally had a stable home and dad figure and I had a toddler- so he did put in work and we went to counseling and worked through it. The trust has never been 100% there but he’s made decent effort to stay accountable to me.

The last year or so has just felt…off. Less prioritizing family time and being home and more time playing golf, poker, hanging with the fellas etc. My gut has been screaming but honestly, it was torture obsessing over his whereabouts after the cheating was discovered and I can hardly bear to do that again. But I deserve better and I know this.

The other day I was waiting for him in the cqr and his phone was plugged up and several Reddit notifications came through. I thought hmm and picked up his phone and looked in the recently visited topics or whatever and lo and behold….. definitely a major porn addiction with some hardcore genres but also a few super sketchy local hookup groups too. I took photos and have acted normal ever since. I’m crushed- and I love him! My life do too but fool me once… fool me twice. The trust will never ever come back and I’ve got 2 attorney consults lined up and an in discovery mode. He will deny and gaslight when confronted so I’d like to have some concrete proof and am trying to figure out how to best do that! I did search his phone the other night and found literally nothing- I suspect there is a burner phone or he’s very good at deleting/hiding and does a lot of his stuff on his computer- which I don’t have the password to.

Just looking for advice, stories of solidarity, ways to track his whereabouts etc - I’m planning to put a tracker on his car and would love to figure out a way to get his password or somehow hack into his computer. Help!

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trmommy, so sorry to hear this. Doing a deep dive in financials is prudent, but not so sure about the rest. Please don't neglect taking care of yourself if you decide to muck through ALL his stuff. Playing marriage PI can make you sick, literally. My palms would sweat and heart would pound out of my chest each time I sat in front of the laptop to dig. Think this conditioned Pavlovian physical response added to my diagnosed PTSD symptoms. Became a difficult to break physical feedback loop tied to all kinds of infidelity triggers. If needed, please talk to your doctor about ways and temp meds to manage stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc. Exercise, meditation, long walks could help when overwhelmed. And get tested for STDs including HPV pelvic exam while you're in the Dr's office!

If you can afford it, how about hiring a techie forensic PI and/or forensic accountant to help dig and avoid trauma? Don't just focus on his whereabouts and communications. Follow the money! Following the money could tell you everything you need to know. Look for large cash withdrawals. Go through checking, credit and Venmo type records with a skeptical eye. Porn/sex providers are well versed on how to make charges appear innocuous. Home shopping sites are also worth a look see for strange purchases, unusual gift card purchases. Also suggest running credit checks on him and any joint credit for hidden debt or credit cards used to pay for his extracurricular sex life. Look closely at any savings accounts. Just in case. Over the years, $$ spent on porn, sex workers etc. can add up to a shocking sum, so go as far back as you can. Hope there's nothing to find, but better safe than sorry. If there is marital $$ squandering, going after dissipation of marital funds or using unearthed info as leverage during D could be worth every penny spent on forensics. Protect yourself and the kids!

Keeping your cards close to your chest until the information is ferreted out = wise. Repeat offenders are lying and cheating pros - and they can be adept at covering their communication tracks and hiding debt and money trails - even after discovery. The element of surprise will be on your side while excavating his hidden sexual basement.

This really stinks. So sorry you have to get all PI on your partner. Again, please don't neglect self-care. Aside from the $$ concerns - which you should definitely dig into - wondering what more you need to know. Yes, he's gonna gaslight - but Is amassing more proof of his sordid double life just to confront really worth the pain and effort? Especially the second time around? Unless you live in a fault state of course = talk to your lawyer. You already know enough to act, and you've been through the trauma of sleuthing before. Going down that rabbit hole again could feel like a recurring nightmare. Your call of course.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:47 AM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

Talk to a lawyer and see if additional proof will change anything.

Best wishes

So sorry that you're going through this again. The pictures that you took of his phone aren't concrete proof enough? In many states, infidelity doesn't affect divorce outcomes so maybe check with the attorney if you need more proof. Otherwise, a forensic accountant and/or tech phone recovery service to recover the info from his phone.

Good luck.

I am so sorry for you.

Here’s my two cents worth of opinion.

You don’t need proof. Or any additional proof. It appears as though this latest incident is the last straw and you plan to D.

You don’t need to confront him and try to get him to admit anything. That’s a waste of time and energy. But what you do need is the strength to say that you recognize he has an addiction to porn and has been unable to maintain a monogamous relationship/ marriage so unfortunately it’s your decision to D.

There is no point trying to nail him or discuss this with him. And trying for additional proof isn’t needed. You have enough. You’ve seen enough. You’ve been down this road before. You have given him every chance possible to be trustworthy and honest, make better choices etc.

Find yourself a good counselor while you go through this difficult time. Prepare yourself once you tell him you will D him for the fall-out.

One thing I learned at dday2 of affair 2 - I don’t have to engage with a liar and cheater. My H would try to have a conversation (still trying to put some of the blame on me for his decision to cheat) and I would just walk out of the room. I wasn’t going to listen to his excuses or whatever he was trying to tell me b/c I planned to D him so therefore, there was NO reason to have a conversation.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:34 AM, Wednesday, July 23rd]