SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We understandably hear a lot about our addiction to External Validation

It struck me this morning that coming on here to post as a Wayward is maybe feeding the Beast?

Instead of feeding the Attention Beast we could be helping clean up our elderly neighbour's front garden for them.

At the same time self judgment on how we choose to spend our time seems to keep us trapped as well.

What are your thoughts on this?

What's the poster’s intention? What is their outcome?

Posting here when you’re doing the work is about exposing your patterns, getting reality checks, learning accountability, and building the internal skills you didn’t have before. That’s not feeding the Beast. That’s starving it.

I see this is your first post and you just signed up, so I’m curious what’s underneath the question for you. Are you worried that if you start posting here, it might pull you into the same patterns you’re trying to break the highs, the attention loops, the external validation stuff?

If that’s the concern, name it plainly. Because the only way to break a pattern is to look at it directly, not dance around it. Posting here isn’t the issue. How you use the space is what matters.

Yeah, I'm new here but I'm not new to Infidelity or Relationship forums in general.

I'm trying to break the attention seeking / self absorption loops.

The forums seem to reinforce it. But I like to dabble and lurk and sometimes post to 'tests my thinking'.

Ultimately there is also a fair amount of self flagellation around. I have indulged in that myself and now see it as not getting me further towards my ultimate goal which is to be cool and chill with the world and whatever it throws at me.

The thought just struck me this morning - forums have a double edged sword because they can further my existing issues. Until now I believed they were 100% helpful especially 'well frequented' one like this one.

Ultimately there are many good behavioural coaches out there but it costs a lot of money to have individual tailored therapy on your sucky behaviours. I'm too mean/stingy to spend the thousands required so I frequent the free forums and post a bit. I listen to the coaches on free podcasts, as so much of what they say is applicable to anyone.

I miss a bit having my weak spots mirrored to me.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 11:44 AM, Friday, June 26th]

What kind of things are you reading here that you're perceiving as validation?

"I feel your pain" etc

Or even just a response.

I find the attention can get addictive.

So just feeding the unpleasant habits I had that were partly responsible for being shitty.

I KNOW what it takes to not be shitty. Explain your feelings and thoughts with I think and I feel. Don't hide shit from your partner if you know they would be upset by it. Show up reliably. Be generous. Express appreciation. Etc.

I find when you have a Clingier relating style, let's say connection hungry, it's easy to get into social media back and forth to fulfill it.

OK, so that's better than chatting to some affair partner. But isn't it just feeding the same type of "who will listen to needy old me?" BS. You're catching me at it now

Does anyone else think this is problematic for them? Or is it just me.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 2:04 PM, Friday, June 26th]

Sometimes it's hard to be alone with heavy feelings. It can ease the loneliness of it to know that other people are going through the same.

A recent theme I've noticed here is that BS are expressing exhaustion from trying to hear and understand their WS reasons and side of things, and support them through their journeys toward changing. (Which like, maybe should have been obvious to me, but unfortunately was not. I'm glad they're speaking up.)

Do you have platonic friends IRL you could talk with? Our spouses are not meant to fill every role and be our only source of support and social interaction (a hard lesson I'm learning myself.) That's too much responsibility to pin on one person. Humans are meant to have a social network over which they can spread the... I don't want to say "burden," because I don't like the connotation that normal emotional/psychological/social needs are "burdensome..." but I guess what I means is that we're meant to spread the "emotional labor" required of supporting us across that social network, so that it doesn't overwhelm any one person, while also providing that support back in ways that don't overwhelm us... Online forums can sometimes be used as a convenient substitute, though definitely not a perfect one.

But only you know why you go on them, and whether that's healthy for you, and it's good that you're introspecting about it.

Personally I have struggled with addiction to social media, and I used to go online seeking arguments with people over topics I felt passionate about, I think just to feel that adrenaline rush. But what also came along with it was cortisol spikes and hours wasted, and I was neglecting real life. I still struggle with it sometimes, but for the most part, I've gotten off of almost all social media, and I'm learning when it's best to walk away and seek a healthier form of stimulation. Changing your habits is all about identifying them, recognizing them in the moments, pausing and figuring out what you need, and finding a better way to meet that need.

Posting here doesn’t automatically reinforce attention seeking unless that’s the intention behind it. SI isn’t built to give anyone a "hit", honestly, it’s the opposite. Nothing has made me more uncomfortable than posting here while trying to get my shit together.

IMHO what you’re describing isn’t really about forums themselves. It’s about how you use them. Any space, talking to your IC, your mama, your friends, can turn into an attention loop if the goal is to soothe discomfort instead of build skills.