Skills I am trying to Master
I listed these out as a reminder list for me.
Obviously this is all a work in progress!
I'm curious to know if there is anything substantial missing from you guys opinions. Help Me Complete / Curate the List
Here it is so far.
1. **Time Outs**
Call Time Outs when you and your relationship partner are triggered during communications. Only continue if at least one of you can stay calm and use good skills.
a) Clingers or those in Clinging Mode must learn to self soothe when lonely and be able to SWITCH fast to other sources of connection
b) Avoiders or those in Avoiding Mode must learn to take and even better CALL Time Outs when they are feeling overwhelmed AND learn to say Wnen they will come back, and actually come back.
2. **Thought Empathy and Inquiry. - MIRRORING**
ALL Communication must follow the principle of Senders SEND - Receivers MIRROR -CHECK and PULL. Mirroring back their words, checking you understood and asking for More. Keep speed of conversation to that of the Slower Person.
3. **Disarming, Feeling Empathy and Inquiry - VALIDATING**
As much Communication as possible should start by confirming the other person's view. Assume from the outset that they have a valid point - 'Good Point' or 'You're right' and add in an imagination of how they might be feeling right now 'I can imagine you're feeling very angry with me right now because I lied to you so many times' and a check 'Would you please tell me how you're feeling?'
4. **I FEEL** and **I WOULD LIKE**
Express your feelings openly and often. I feel + immediately feeling word = angry, overwhelmed, sad, awkward.... GET IN TUNE WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
Spend time daily tuning in to your body's signals.
(DON'T say I feel 'THAT' or 'LIKE' )
5. Express OPINIONS as 'I THINK' or 'I BELIEVE'
Express your opinions with the Caveat of 'I think' / 'I believe'. Never state categorical truths that leave out room for the other person's view.
6. NO LYING BY OMISSION AND NO MORE AVOIDING HEARING PAINFUL STUFF.
Use Tools (1-5) to Share your deepest secrets with your partner!! MAKE IT SAFE.
Ask permission to be share difficult or painful 'stuff' - but make sure you persist!
Make it safe for OP to talk - keep your emotions under control.
7. Appreciation and Admiration
As much Communication as possible should include what you admire about the other person. Show gratitude for even small things on a DAILY basis.
Discuss Happy Moments from the common past.
8. TAKE TURNS DOING WHAT YOU WANT
**Self Care** comes in this category - get yourself a hobby but take turns to keep the household responsibilities too. Make sure BOTH people would vote FAIR on what is planned. Your activities as a couple and as individuals need TWO 'FAIR' votes to avoid building up resentment!
9. Learn effective Cognitive Techniques such as CBT to master depression & anxiety.
Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings, describe them and view them as necessary and constructive.
Identify what you might need to soothe yourself (eg sleep, rest)
Cry as and when needed to let go.
Make Self Compassion part of the self talk
10. Hold Hands often. While talking gently or quietly sitting side by side. Initiate affection. If you need a top up "hug" and it's not going to throw tension on the situation, ask for one directly.
11. Make genuine and preferential specific apologies when communication breaks down or for past hurts you committed. Accept Apologies gracefully.
\----------------
[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 5:22 AM, Saturday, June 27th]
