SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I've pretty comprehensively outlined my stance. I stand by what I've said that's what you're asking. I've read over the post several times and think it's a logically sound argument that represents my thoughts.

Affair fog is merely a sanitised metaphor. It's not real in any true sense of the word.

To illustrate this, consider the experiences of individuals who have endured war, abuse, or even the infidelity itself. They often describe a feeling of being "underwater"—a state of mental cloudiness, confusion, or detachment. Victims of abuse, for instance, could theoretically start saying, "I wasn't thinking clearly; I was underwater at the time," to describe their state during traumatic events.

My argument is that we should call this feeling what it truly is: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We already have a precise, unambiguous term for such a state. Using "PTSD" leaves no room for hidden meanings or agendas, unlike the metaphorical "affair fog." It doesn't santize anything. It's doesn't allude to loss of agency or free wil.

Similarly, if you were in a state of limerence, say that. If you were experiencing cognitive dissonance, state that. I'm in no way denying the complex feelings you had while betraying your partner. I'm merely saying affair fog isn't real.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:31 PM, Monday, July 21st]

** member to member **

In my experience, 'fog' has been used in these pages as an excuse and as a description.

It's been used as an excuse by new BSes who think they want R and by WSes who haven't become remorseful.

It's been used as a shorthand description by some remorseful WSes while healing, former WSes, and healing or healed BSes.

Personally, I am comfortable describing my W while in her A as 'in a fog'. Nevertheless, I had no trouble holding her to my requirements for R. Of course, that may be because she never tried to minimize her A.

I find it convenient to read and write 'fog' rather than describe it every time. I appreciate the people who use the term and who read it as it's intended.

Context is usually sufficient to tell what a poster intends when they post about affair fog. I need to read more from Searchingforsun to know how she uses the term, but I think BSR and Pippin are pretty clear.

While I can accept that cheating is a result of PTSD for many WSes, the term has the same failing that 'fog' does - it can be a shorthand description, and it can be an excuse. Frankly, IMO 'fog' is a lot clearer description of the WS's state of mind than 'PTSD'.

Besides, if you use 'fog', you can use 'fogged up', too. That usually stays within the boundaries of polite conversation.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:45 PM, Monday, July 21st]

That's a fair opinion, and I have no issues with "fog" being used as shorthand. I'm personally uncomfortable with it for the reasons I've outlined, but in the context of it being shorthand, it doesn't really bother me.

However, where I feel I have to speak up is when some members appear to be arguing that it's "real" in any sense outside of a metaphorical shorthand to explain more complex psychological phenomena.

Ultimately, it's a little pedantic, I've ran out of things to say on the matter.

I think of it like the time period where the WS is still in the A mindset, and they're experiencing distorted thinking and emotional confusion.

I've read so much on it and some WSs think of it as part of limerance and blindness to see beyond that but my fWS never experienced limerance.

He didn't love and certainly in a lot of ways didn't even like the AP, but his head was in some kind of fog for sure.

He romanticised the A as a great friendship, even though this woman was ostensibly a psycho.

He lost all moral clarity surrounding that - such as feeling entitled to miss his "friend" or to offer her comfort

He lost all integrity, and lied to me about NC and more.

He was completely irrational. This person was quite literally doing things like threatening him or trying to destroy his career and he couldn't see it fully.

He was very much addicted to what the A gave him. I think this is different for every WS but in my fWS it was the belief in being adored, so amazing someone would try to kill for him, a sense of "coolness" and this kind of love bombing that was completely unnatural.

It took him about 4 months to move past that once AP was no longer physically present, and then I think another year to truly see how nuts he was.

I do see that "fog" as a real thing but rather than being an excuse I just think it's the place WSs end up after a series of decisions turns then into a shit person.

I saw it as addiction, not so much to the A, but more like when people let themselves slide to rock bottom and they're not a person of integrity anymore.

Having an A and sustaining one takes a lot of bad, selfish and destructive choices and the shock of dday isn't always enough to snap them out of it.

I think the answer to "how long" is up to you, because in that destructive, selfish mindset I think they will keep going as long as you let them.

The "fog" is I think also contagious because the blindsided and traumatised BS is in so much shock and pain that they also can't act rationally or often fully act in ways that are best for them.

I second the advice of the 180 for you. If you can get yourself out of the fog, you will start to find your anger and your self worth. Many of us make the mistake you're making to deferring degrees.

My fWS and I are very happily reconciled and I am so happy I stayed but I also deeply regret that I didn't tell him to go f himself much earlier.