LookingforHonesty (original poster new member #87140) posted at 3:32 PM on Sunday, April 12th, 2026
1st Wife- I only meant staying in the area so I can be close to my adult kids. I agree about kids living through a mess like this.
Sisoon- thanks for the traits of a good R candidate, they are very useful. She has started IC, we’ve done a few MC sessions (but may suspend-too early), she’s opened all devices and is transparent about where she’s going, etc. But, she’s still lying, minimizing and shifting blame.
I can’t control the outcome. For the time being, I’m just staying a little detached, taking care of myself and waiting to see if there’s any hope for her.
"doing the work is easier than living with the pain." That’s a great tag line for a therapist’s advert.
Frank- she’s well medically, she’s better emotionally, I think. No decision on the other wife yet. It feels like revenge and I’m not sure there’s much upside to it.
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 6:24 PM on Sunday, April 12th, 2026
It feels like revenge and I’m not sure there’s much upside to it.
Would you have been angry with someone, like one of your wife’s AP’s OBS coming to you and letting you know what your wife has done? Would you have looked at them and thought to yourself: "How petty. They’re just looking for revenge. I would have been much better off not knowing." ?
Or would you have been grateful to be clued in on what’s actually happened in your marriage, totally unknown to you, but something that immensely impacts not only your marriage, but also your body health and potentially even your life (STD’s) ?
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 7:20 PM on Sunday, April 12th, 2026
Have you been clear to your wife – as in outlined at a MC session – what you need to see a future in this marriage?
Keep in mind that this is a woman who thought killing herself was a great idea not too long ago. Although it’s a self-imposed trauma, then she is traumatized by the discovery of her past actions. Expecting full logic and sensibility might not be the right thing to do.
However – if she is told directly:
I am still not clear on if I am willing to remain in this marriage or not. What is 100% clear is that I need the following to be clear to possibly see a future together:
Accountability, timeline… (and whatever else is left that you need).
About telling OMW as "revenge"…
If you are already determined to divorce (as you seem to be based on your wording) and are going to be honest to your kids about the reason, do you then intend to keep OM name a secret? How do you figure out that will work?
PS not surprisingly I am 100% in agreement with Sisson. You can distance yourself from your wife, but you will take your traumas with you and need to deal with them. Is it harder with your wife around? Maybe… but lot’s of respected posters on this site have managed it.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
OhItsYou ( member #84125) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, April 12th, 2026
My situation didn’t involve kids of any age, but my experience was once I decided divorce was the way forward, a whole hell of a lot of the mind movies and stress just melted away. I still had somewhat of a hard time reconciling with myself that this was going to be my life going forward, not much past the divorce did I have any clue if she was alive or dead and didn’t really care either way.
Life got immeasurably better once the decree was signed.
That’s just me though.
